In a seminar I have delivered many times discussing how to communicate diplomatically, most of the participants are required to attend because they are perceived as being "difficult." They either talk too much and are perceived to be a know-it-all, or they talk too little and are perceived as lacking confidence. Some are told they are too direct and are perceived as mean and unapproachable; others are told they are not direct enough and are perceived as weak and ineffectual. Whether they come voluntarily or are sent to the program by a manager, the hope is that they will be "fixed" at the end of the two days.
On the first day, I quickly squash that hope! There is no need to “fix” them because they aren't “broken!” They just lack self-awareness about their communication styles. The participants are relived when I tell them they aren't broken; they think I am validating their belief that the other people in their orbit are broken. They share their frustrations about trying to communicate effectively with bully bosses and sabotaging or uncooperative co-workers. Then, they grow frustrated with me when I tell them the other people aren't broken either. The question we strive to answer throughout the rest of the training is, "What can you do differently to get a different response from the other person?"
One participant said to me, "You just don't believe anyone is mean!" That is simply not true. I believe there are a lot of mean people in the world. But before we judge each other, consider why you are experiencing them as "mean.” Is it their behavior, or is it your perception of their behavior? (Compare this to the child who calls a parent “mean” because she must obey a curfew or is not allowed to engage in some harmful behavior.) What is driving your perceptions and can you envision alternative views from their perspectives? The answer to this question will allow you to create alternative responses.
Assuming for a moment that they actually ARE mean, consider what might be driving their behaviors so that you an respond, rather than react. Communication evokes emotional reactions; however, we want to respond rationally, not emotionally. This does not mean ignore your emotions. Rather, take a beat to incorporate your emotions into a rational response that will deliver the outcome you want. We have all had those moments when we believe it would feel so good to smack an obnoxious co-worker in the back of the head. However, most of us realize that such an action would offer a short-term, feel-good-moment with long- term consequences. Similarly, we ought to think about what the long-term consequences are for what we say.
Before you speak, you ask yourself 3 questions: Is what I am about to say true? Is it kind? And most importantly, is it necessary to achieve the outcome I want? When two of those three elements are satisfied, you are ready to speak.
You cannot compel people to behave the way you want them to behave. You can, however, influence how they behave by shifting your behavior. The next time you are confronted by your bully boss or uncooperative co-worker, consider what you can do differently to give them what they want so that you can get what you want.
