We have the ability to control our responses. Remember the sequence as Albert Ellis relates; A, the activating event leads to B, thoughts about it which leads to C, feelings and behavior.

The first step is becoming aware of our thoughts. Most of us, most of the time are not hearing what we are saying to ourselves. This requires self awareness and work. Keep in mind it won’t change right away but requires perseverance.

Once we can hear what we are saying, then we have the ability to change those thoughts by disputing and challenging their accuracy, giving us control over our reactions to the activating event. When you begin to react in a way that tells you your buttons have been pushed, ask yourself “What am I so upset about and what am I saying to myself about what that person said/did?”

If I’m single and meet someone I find attractive, I ask them out, they say no way and I feel crushed, what is the internal dialogue leading to that feeling? It may be “If they reject me, there must be something wrong with me, no one will ever want me, I’ll be single forever and that would be terrible.” Once you know that, you have the choice to agree with it and stay upset or to refute it.

This is the most powerful tool you have. To change your response, change what it is you are saying to yourself. So is it necessarily true that if someone I like doesn’t like me back then I am somehow unacceptable or worthless? No, it simply means they have different values, perceptions, or tastes than I do. What they may or may not think does not alter who and what I am. Am I still the same person I was before they rejected me? The answer is, obviously, yes.

The process of refuting that internal dialogue takes practice and willingness to challenge ourselves, sometimes about long held beliefs. When the internal conversation is that something is horrible or terrible, it can be helpful to rephrase it to it’s uncomfortable and/or unfortunate but not the end of the world. We probably won’t die if we don’t get that job, if someone doesn’t like us, or if we’re late to work! To keep it in perspective, ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” Once that’s out in the open, we usually find that while we may prefer things to be different, we may be a little uncomfortable but we can survive just fine.

First know what you are saying about the activating event then seek to question and refute that dialogue with a more realistic statement. Remember, it’s not A, the event that triggers C, your reaction but B, what you think about A that results in C, your response. You always have choices. It’s up to you.

If you would like to talk about this or any other problem or concern, please call Solutions Employee Assistance Program at 1-800-526-3485 or www.solutions-eap.com

George "Bud" Wassell, M.S., LPC, CEAP
Director, Solutions EAP
213 Court Street
Middletown, CT 06457
800-526-3485
fax: 860-704-6221
http://www.solutions-eap.com