At our youngest daughter's sixth birthday party, a five-year-old boy hit Vanessa on the head. Asked to apologize, he politely refused: "Mr. Clemmer, I don't apologize unless I see teeth marks or blood."

Many managers don't realize the problems they're creating unless they see the teeth marks or blood on those with whom they work. The most insensitive managers are those who lack good feedback systems and refuse to seek input on how to improve their own performance.

Feedback is as critical to learning and improvement as cake is to a six-year-old's birthday party. As painful as I find "corrective feedback" and "suggestions for improvement," they are sources of my best learning and most profound personal changes.

Leaders know that it is hard to see the bigger picture when you're inside the frame. That's why they regularly step back to see themselves, their team, or their organization through the eyes of others. This means dealing with their perceptions as their reality. Effective leaders don't negate the viewpoint of others with comments like "that's just their perception, that's not reality." Leaders know that leadership, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. If people don't think I am providing leadership – even though I may think I am – they will act on that belief and respond accordingly.

If I want to change their perception and action, I need first to be fully aware of what their perception is. Then I can decide to change my behavior, try to change their perception, or both.

An old Yiddish saying teaches, "If one or two people tell you that you're an ass, you can ignore them. But if three or four people tell you you're an ass, you might think about putting on a saddle." Not knowing how those I am trying to lead perceive me is like sailing my ship without the feedback of navigational instruments.

Feedback-impaired managers are usually in favor of performance measurement and accountability – for everyone else.

We first noticed this connection when we were trying to understand why some teams or organizations had rich and powerful flows of performance data and rigorous measurements. But many other organizations that seemed equally determined to improve had very weak performance measurements. It didn't seem to be a knowledge issue. These low measurement organizations knew all about "360 degree" feedback systems, performance gap analysis, data-based tools and techniques, and the like.

But it was a lot of talk. There was little application. Then we noticed how people tip-toed around sensitive issues, especially problems that should have been raised with their immediate managers. We began to take note of the number of conversations we were having about how people tried to gauge a senior manager's mood to see if today was a good day to raise a sensitive issue or flag a problem. We also noticed how many managers claimed that they wanted to build a learning organization, then did little to learn how people in their organization perceived their behavior.

Personal feedback – especially about problems or faulty signals we've sent – can be very painful. But our frequency, sensitivity, and action (or lack of it) on personal performance feedback sets the learning and improvement pace and tone for the rest of our organization.