"Fast Food for Thought" from the Stress Doc
Yesterday I had a blast. It only lasted ten-minutes but the ebb and flow
of the audience’s riveted attention and hearty laughter produced a slow to
fade afterglow. I did some serious shtick on “Practicing Safe Stress for
the Holidays” at a holiday gathering for members of Federally Employed
Women (FEW)/Metro Washington Region. Consider this some holiday “fast food for
thought” from the Stress Doc. Hopefully you will find these morsels quick
and easy to consume, tasty and nutritious. The menu lineup:
A. Stress Doc’s Classic Holiday Joke and Poetic Proverbs
B. Holiday Stress Smoke Signals
C. Burnout Spiral and The Vital Lesson of the Four “R”s
D. The Six Strategic “F”s for Mastering Loss and Change
E. Closing “Shrink Rap” ™
Enjoy!
Practicing Safe Stress for the Holidays: Some Serious Shtick or Fast
Food for Thought
A. Stress Doc’s Classic Holiday Joke and Poetic Proverb
While many associate the holidays with Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol,
and its theme of gaining and sharing the holiday spirit, the opening lines
from A Tale of Two Cities may have even more relevance:
It was the best of times, it was the worst of time
It was the season of light, it was the season of darkness...
It was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.
Like Dickens, I too have tried to capture the complexity of the holidays;
if not through a great novel, then with my one classic holiday joke. To
help you negotiate some of that holiday pressure, consider this distinction
between "Holiday Blues" and "Holiday Stress." Now holiday blues is the
feeling of loss or sadness that you have over the holidays when, for whatever
reason, you can't be with those people who have been or are special and
significant. And holiday stress...is when you have to be with some of those
people!
So here are two “poetic proverbs” for survival:
You may think I’m at a loss without having you as boss
Still, when it’s just me, not us or you
Please, don’t tell me what to do!
Do ask or suggest; maybe better…let it rest!
And a “pp” with a humorous edge:
Tenaci-Tea for Two: The Narcissist’s Version
You for me and me for me.
Oh how nurturing you will be.
Forget “to be or not to be”
Just simply think of Me, Me Me!
B. Holiday Stress Smoke Signals
How do you know when you’re experiencing “holiday stress smoke signals?”
Drawing on my “Three ‘B’ Stress Barometer” Exercise, how do your Brain,
Body and Behavior tell you when you’re under more stress or are more tense
than usual?
Snappy, impatient, rise in blood pressure, increased smoking or drinking,
mind-racing or in a fog, etc., etc. These are some of the common
responses to the above question. Here are three of my favorites. Notice how the
first two are double-edged:
1) Sleep Disturbance – “Some mornings, anyone ever feels like just not
getting out of bed? Then, aren’t there folks who know all the best buys on
Ebay or Home Shopping Network at three in the morning?”
2) Eating Disturbance – “Anyone eat a little more under stress to numb
those gnawing anxious feelings?” Many hands quickly go up. “Anyone lose
their appetite or eat less when feeling stressed?” A few hands flutter. My
immediate response: “And we hate those people, don’t we?”
3) TMJ – “Does anyone have problems with muscle tension, back or neck
pain? What about a clenched jaw or TMJ? We know what TMJ really stands
for, don’t we…Too Many Jerks!
C. Burnout Spiral and The Vital Lesson of the Four “R”s
And stress unchecked can spiral…into a state of burnout. In fact, I call
burnout the “erosive spiral”: Burnout is a gradual process by which a
person detaches from work and other significant roles and relationships. The
result is lowered productivity, cynicism, confusion, a feeling of being
drained having nothing more to give. Doesn’t sound like fun!
How to stop this vicious cycle? Grapple with “The Vital Lesson of the
Four ‘R’s”: If no matter what you do or how hard you try, Results, Rewards,
Recognition and Relief are not forthcoming and you can’t say “No” or won’
t “let go”, that is, you can’t step back and get a new perspective; there’
s only one right person, position, or possible outcome because in your
mind you’ve invested so much time, money, and ego…trouble awaits. The
groundwork is being laid for apathy, callousness, and despair!
How to let go?…See right below.
D. The Six Strategic “F”s for Mastering Loss and Change
In today’s uncertain economic and career climate, the ability to grapple
effectively with unemployment, a downsized budget or family lifestyle, to
handle the uncertainty of a company reorganization, or flexibly adapt to
working in new departments or with new work teams is vital. However,
positively engaging with loss and change requires more than just “sucking it up.”
Try mastering the Stress Doc’s Six “F”s of Loss and Change; turn potential
danger into personal and professional opportunity:
1) Familiar. Grapple with the anxiety, rage, hopelessness or sadness in
letting go of the familiar role or predictable past. The big question: Who
am I? This role or relationship has been such a big part of my identity.
Remember, sometimes your former niche of success now has you mostly stuck
in the ditch of excess. There's a critical crossroad ahead,
2) Future. Clearly the horizon appears cloudy and threatening, lacking
direction and clarity. What will be expected of me? Who will I now have to
report to or work with? Just because your past or traditional roles and
responsibilities may be receding doesn't mean you can't transfer your
experience and skills into new challenging arenas,
3) Face. Some loss of self-esteem and self-worth is all too common,
especially when our life puzzle has been broken up other than by one's own hand.
Would this scenario be unsettling: "Two months ago you gave our
department a great performance review? Now you’re cutting our budget in a major
way, and no one knows if there will be layoffs." Shame and guilt, rage and
diminished confidence are frequent early traveling partners on an uncertain
and profound transitional journey,
4) Focus. Major change can be scary. Underlying feelings may include
rage, helplessness, hopelessness and humiliation. Sometimes we need a little
rage to break through chains of mind-body-behavior paralysis. Of course,
rage needs to be tempered. Remember, more people shoot themselves in the
foot than go postal! (And, let me say, as a former Stress and Violence
Prevention Consultant with the US Postal Service, I know “Going Postal.”) The
challenge is to grapple with this array of powerful feelings, if need be,
with personal or professional support. You want to temper the rage by
having the courage to embrace those vulnerable emotions; this leads to a
productive, yin-yang state of focused anger. You can’t just willpower your way
through this emotional quicksand or burnout spiral.
Remember,
For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire!
If you can honestly grapple and grieve the first three "F"s, then you are
engaged in a productive brooding and refocusing aggression process. Maybe
I am ready to knock on if not knock down doors again. At minimum, you
will affirm, "I may not like the cards that have been dealt, but how do I make
the best of my reality right now." And you'll likely start hatching a new
perspective with, if not crystal clear targets, then an intuitive, crystal
ball-like enlightenment. Suddenly this Stress Doc mantra starts
resonating: "I don't know where I'm going...I just think I know how to get there!"
5) Feedback. Throughout this process, but especially now, getting solid
feedback is crucial. It’s not easy getting clear, clean, and honest
feedback: many don’t really have a clue how to give it. Or people are fearful you
won’t know how to handle it. You have to work hard to find someone who
will give you the Stress Doc’s version of TLC: "Tender Loving Criticism" and
"Tough Loving Care." You need a “stress buddy” to help sort out the
wheat from the chaff. Before you blow up in a supervisor’s office check in
with your buddy and ask, “Am I seeing this situation objectively or not? What
’s my part in this problem?” In times of rapid or daunting change,
trustworthy feedback helps us remember who we are; that our basic, core self
remains intact despite being shaken by unsettling forces.
6) Faith. Having the courage to grapple with these "F"s now yields a
strength to understand what in your present life rests in your control and what
lies beyond. Of course, there’s always an unpredictable element or moment
in major transition. Life is not a straight line progression. However,
by doing your “head work, heart work and homework,” you are in a much
stronger personal and professional position. You are building cognitive and
emotional muscles; you can have faith in a growing ability to handle whatever
will be thrown at you. Going through this process means you are evolving
the psychological capacity for dealing with ambiguous and unpredictable
twists and turns on life’s journey. As I once penned: Whether the loss is a
key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion, each deserves the
respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and
quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion
like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.
And how do we transform mystical maturation into everyday evolution?
Consider the prescient words of the great scientific/polio pioneer, Dr. Jonas
Salk: Evolution is about getting one more time than you fall down; being
courageous one more time than you are fearful; and trusting just one more
time than you are anxious.
E. Closing “Shrink Rap” ™
I close by putting on my Blues Brothers hat and black sunglasses and
taking out a black tambourine, thereby revealing a secret identity: "I'm
pioneering the field of psychologically humorous rap music and as a therapist
calling it, of course, 'Shrink Rap' ™ Productions." Predictably, there's an
audible groan from the audience. And my response: "Groan now. We'll see
who has the last groan." (However, in my defense, years back, an African
American friend upon hearing the lyrics said, "Oh, so you're into
'Aristocratic Rap.'")
