The same day that the right wing terrorist invaded the Holocaust Museum in Washington, DC and killed a security guard, my girl friend encountered a much more prosaic form of anti-Semitism. And while her experience was not in any way life-threatening, nonetheless her casual if not commonplace encounter merits documentation and its expression deserves confrontation. D. works part-time at a local plant nursery in a semi-rural community about 30 miles east of Cleveland. Most of her co-workers are women ranging in age from the 20s to the 60s. Overall, they work well together. The group was celebrating a colleague’s birthday and slices of cake were being passed around in circular fashion. A young woman, I will call K., with a definite rural upbringing, found herself with a piece of cake noticeably smaller than the previous offering. Suddenly, with a mix of matter of fact and frustration, the aggrieved party announces that, “Hey, I’ve been Jewed down.”
No one made a comment, though later several of the women expressed shock at the blatant prejudicial stereotyping. A couple of the women are Jewish, including my girlfriend. D.’s mother, born in Germany, escaped the Nazi madness at the 11th hour. Some of her family members were not so fortunate and perished at the concentration camps. So there’s added poignancy to her pain.
Later that evening, D. recounted the above events and also noted that the young woman’s mother, a manager in the nursery, is known to make disparaging comments about various ethnic groups. Sure sounds like the proverbial acorn falling near the dis-eased tree. Nonetheless, D. had decided she wanted to say something to K. Talking out loud, D. quickly spoke of how the woman had “made me upset,” had “hurt my feelings” and that she “felt disrespected.”
The Confrontations
I immediately had a visceral reaction. I fairly shouted, “Stop being a victim.” I proceeded to emphasize the importance of letting go of “you made me upset” or “you hurt my feelings” as such phrasing gives way too much power to this callow youth and makes D. seem overly sensitive. Better to say, “I was angry” by the “Jewed down” comment. I encouraged D. to basically convey that, “Your remarks are not only prejudicial, but ignorant and disrespectful as well.”
D. quickly appreciated the difference in approaches, and was ready to discard the victim role. Initially, D. said she wanted K. to really feel “embarrassed.” I had mixed feelings about using that as her motivation. While I could understand D.’s frustration, I reiterated my focus in such a situation: to let the person know he or she has violated my boundary as a human being, and I want the individual to know my anger, to know what I don’t like and why. Yes, I want them to be uncomfortable, maybe even anxious. But embarrass can easily be a code word for "humiliate" which means “to lower,” and synonyms are “to demote” and “to disgrace.” And to my way of thinking, that kind of sentiment is too close to having an intention similar to the initial prejudicial comment.
D. mulled over my remarks. With her basic sensitivity, I knew D. did not wish to push the young woman’s face in the mud. The next day, D. waited till K. was alone, and then said she wanted to talk to her about yesterday’s party. More specifically, “I was angry when you said you’d been ‘Jewed down’ over the piece of cake.” As D. had predicted, the young woman initially got defensive, nervously saying she, “didn’t mean anything by it. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s just an expression all my friends use.” (In some ways, this is the most disheartening revelation. The casual stereotyping, that just slides off the tongue without any forethought: the prejudicial assumption that becomes an unquestioned axiom and everyday expression.)
D. quickly replied, “You didn’t hurt me. I was angry with your show of ignorance and disrespect.” Di told her that she and some others at work are Jewish. D. then asked her if she knew what the expression meant. K. said, “That Jews are cheap; they want to cheat you.”
D. then stated why the comment is so distasteful: “There are cheap individuals in all groups. But don’t label a whole group of people with that kind of prejudice and ignorance. And even if I wasn’t Jewish, it’s just being downright disrespectful…What if I called you a ‘hillbilly?’ Would you like that?”
The Unfinished Close
According to D., the young woman seemed to flinch and acknowledged that she wouldn’t like that. D. realized there was nothing left to say and walked away. (In an ideal world, perhaps D. might have closed the encounter with, “I do appreciate you listening.”) However, she didn’t make a point of avoiding or shunning K. the rest of the day. K. was still a colleague and D. needed to have a working relationship with her.
Upon returning to her work area, several of her colleagues somehow knew that D. had confronted K. and expressed their appreciation. However, what wasn’t discussed earlier or now was why people had not responded immediately to K.’s prejudicial remark. The women being initially startled accounts for some of the silent reaction, that is, the lack of head and heart responses. However, I believe another factor is at play: most of us don’t realize how toxic such comments are to the mind-body and moral and morale- sustaining atmosphere of a group or community. These days, people usually speak up when someone lights up a cigarette in a non-smoking area. We will have come a long way as a society when in similar fashion bystanders or team members set limits on and engage such prejudicial fodder.
Later that evening, D. wondered if she had made an impact with K. We agreed that it was hard to predict. But I supported D.’s comment that, “Maybe she’ll be just a little more uncomfortable when those around her resort to such stereotypes.” Amen and women to that! Thoughts to help us all...Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits and is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
