On some days, it feels like 90% of what the head of HR at a large organization does is have difficult conversations or coach others on how to have them. I say this from deep experience—for 18 years, I was the chief people officer at FranklinCovey.
 

From the thousands of difficult conversations I’ve navigated during my career, I’ve seen what works and what doesn’t. To this day, I often find myself in the position of using phrases that, to me, feel like obvious go-tos, yet watch others write them down verbatim because they recognize they’ve uncovered valuable tools they haven’t used before. We all want the right words to steer through when a conflict is to be resolved or performance is lagging.

It’s in our nature to avoid difficult conversations. Most people, including accomplished senior leaders, are conflict-avoidant. If they can sidestep a difficult conversation, they will. Not because they’re bad at their jobs or want others to fail, but because having to tell someone a hard truth is painful.

Unfortunately, it’s also necessary. There’s no quicker way to turn tension into progress than to address the underlying issues head-on. While phrases can be helpful, it’s best to have the right mindset, since no single phrase will work in all situations, and every conversation is dynamic. What are the best practices? Consider these five key steps to navigating difficult conversations.

1) The other person’s shoes. The first thing to consider when broaching a difficult conversation is what it’s going to feel like for the other person. As best you can, put yourself in that person’s shoes and think of how they’ll feel the moment you say, “Hey, do you have a few minutes? I’ve got some feedback for you.” This will help guide your approach to the message you want to deliver.

In a work setting, people typically understand what is and what isn’t a routine conversation. The moment you approach someone this way, their antennae are going to go up. I coach leaders to understand that, once they establish the ensuing conversation will be outside of the norm, they are putting that person on the defensive, and whatever happens next will likely be met with a strong emotional response.

That’s why it’s so important to prepare your approach and your message. There’s almost nothing you can do to avoid these emotions. Difficult conversations, by their very nature, are going to elicit them. What you can do is mitigate them in a way that allows you to still get your point across.

That means coming up with a conversation planner that covers every issue you want to bring up and practicing how you’re going to respond if/when your points are challenged. It means, especially, finding non-emotional ways to keep your fellow team member engaged.

Preparation also means you won’t run on too long and drag out an already uncomfortable process. Rambling or wandering into topics outside your intended message may sidetrack you from the progress you hope to make.

2) Declare your intent. If your objective is progress, you need to make that clear from the start. And you do that by declaring your intent. You have to set expectations and acknowledge that this will most likely be a difficult conversation but that your only intent is to help your associate improve and succeed.

Remember that declaring your intent won’t magically wipe away any defensiveness. It won’t suddenly make a difficult conversation easy. What it does do, however, is show the person involved that you have their best interests in mind, and that, most importantly, you see a path forward for them that will make both of your lives better. Declaring your intent clearly and sincerely will help you say what you need to say.

Of course, do not be disingenuous: If your intent is to manage someone out of your company, it doesn’t do anyone any favors to paint a rosy picture.

3) Don’t become defensive. Difficult conversations are often avoided because the leaders who need to have them don’t want to make themselves uncomfortable through confrontation or potentially hurting another person’s feelings. No surprise, there’s another side to that.

You can prepare all you want and declare your intent with complete sincerity and still find yourself in an emotional, uncomfortable conversation. If part of the point of a difficult conversation is to challenge someone with a view of themselves they don’t recognize, you should expect that there will be times that challenge will be thrown right back at you.

This has happened to me many times. Each time, I relied on the sage advice of a former leader on how to proceed.

Sometimes you’ll have someone who is just refusing to receive feedback. Whose defense mechanisms are running at full tilt. Who may challenge you with a statement such as, “Well, that’s just your opinion.”

Here was that sage advice I received: They’re right. Nonetheless, when faced with that situation, you can reply, honestly, along these lines: “I appreciate that thought because, as a leader, I’m paid to have an opinion. I respect that we see things differently. My intent is to help you and the organization become more successful. But it’s my job to make judgment calls, so that’s what I’m doing now.”

There are all sorts of ways in which a difficult conversation can go off the rails. (BTW, always make sure a box of tissues is in the room.) Getting defensive just happens to be the quickest way.

4) Practice smart empathy. In difficult conversations, and life in general, I try to avoid ever telling someone I know how they feel. The truth is, I don’t, and saying it can at best ring hollow or even trigger angry feelings in my counterpart.

The circumstances of everyone’s lives are so different, and there’s much you likely don’t know, making it impossible to truly know exactly how someone else feels. Quite likely that phrasing of an attempt at empathy will fall flat.
Empathy is a good instinct—when done well.

Instead of, “I know how you feel,” try this instead: “I’ve been on the other end of conversations like this one.” Which is absolutely true.

You could say something like this, tailored authentically to your own experience: “I’ve been called into the boss’ office to discuss something about myself that I didn’t know was happening. Something that was affecting my performance others could see, but not me. Something that made me feel awkward and embarrassed when it was brought to my attention.”

I may not know how the person with whom I’m having a difficult conversation feels right at that moment. What I can say with certainty, though, is that I’ve been in a similar position before. It didn’t feel good then, but it felt better later because I’d gone through it. And I will use any opportunity to remind people of that.

5) Follow up in writing. Much of what I’ve talked about so far are the mental barriers faced by the target of these difficult conversations. That they will be in a fight-or-flight response, and that things should be kept brief.

Because of all of that, it’s vital to follow up. You need to list, in writing, what issues you brought up, why you brought them up, and the possible path you see going forward if those issues can be addressed.

Tell them you know it was not an easy conversation to have. Tell them, if true, that you have confidence in their ability to move past it. Then tell them you welcome their feedback if you missed some part of the conversation in the summary you’ve provided. Specifically, ask them to review it and let you know if you’ve left anything out.

Don’t say, “Please read this and confirm you agree with all the points I’ve made.” Instead, give them some agency. Allow them to engage with the message of the conversation, because there’s a decent chance some of it went over their head. Or maybe they tuned you out the moment you started to talk as a way of protecting themselves.

Whatever the case, put it in writing. Write it in a way that makes it clear you value their input. And that this team member has some say going forward in how both of you are committed to making progress.

The toughest thing about having difficult conversations is taking action to have one. After that, it doesn’t become easy—but it can be a lot easier if you follow a path already paved by those who’ve done it many times before.

And, if handled successfully, you will hopefully see progress that will provide the payoff for your efforts.
 

Author Bio

Todd Davis is FranklinCovey’s former chief people officer, senior consultant, and content expert on the Navigating Difficult Conversations Course.

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