The Gift Of Forgiveness

How to practice systemic forgiveness

An employee on your team has been repeatedly combative in calls with a client. They are not receptive to the client’s ideas, and generally act negatively on the calls. The project is being watched closely by the senior executives you report to and has implications on your own future. You’re anxious and frustrated by the employee’s poor performance and its reflection on you. You decide to schedule a one-on-one with them. The mood is tense.

The instinct for some would be to take a hardline approach, chewing out the employee for their bad attitude and lack of professionalism. But there is a different way to approach such a situation, and, in addition to generating more goodwill with the employee in question, this approach may lead to more productivity from your team.
 

Systemic forgiveness, an approach I’ve developed and a term I’ve coined based on my research, is an internal system in which, one considers what is possible when forgiveness is applied to the personal and corporate culture. How could innovation increase when employees know failure is not linked to their credibility or value? If you try something, it is possible to fail, but try we must. Just the mention of the word forgiveness elicits strong emotions and often judgment. I have been asked several times by thoughtful western leaders, why should I consider this leadership approach?” At the same time, I have been asked by perplexed eastern leaders concerning why I would even need to teach this because it’s what you are supposed to do. 

We can continue to leave it out of our workplace discussions, but you will interact with, offer, or yearn for forgiveness. It is a part of the human story of how we triumph over hurdles and hurts. 
Simply put, systemic forgiveness pushes you to start with self, and connect with others to transform the systems you encounter. It is a holistic approach that will shift your perspective and your ability to maintain interpersonal relationships. 
  
I use an acronym to relay its main principles: Strategic, Yielding, Simple, Tenacious, Eccentric, Magnanimous, Intriguing, and Creative. 

Systemic forgiveness spurns rigidity and is instead an internal system of interacting with the world in which one leads with empathy and intellectual curiosity. 

Instead of approaching under-performing team members with mental perspectives and questions like, “what’s wrong with you?” it instead relies on mental perspectives and questions like, “what happened to you?” It invites storytelling and curiosity instead of criticism and judgment. 

Sometimes discipline is necessary when the people who work for you violate a boundary of professionalism or perform poorly. But in these cases, remaining curious and leading with questions about whether you can help will generate camaraderie and keep them from walking away from the conversation thinking their career is over. By remaining empathetic and curious, you may walk away from the conversation with new information; perhaps your employee has been repeatedly up late with a sick child or has suffered the loss of a family member. Forgiveness does not eliminate the need for corrective actions or consequences, but it does prevent you from holding on to negative emotions caused by these stressful events. 

The hardline approach has other drawbacks. Leaders who use it can appear rigid, or worse insecure. This can sometimes fail to incite trust in their followers. While they may solve certain problems in the short-term, their lack of empathy with employees can lead to more bad performances down the line.

For a leader who’s not used to leading with forgiveness, this internal change can be daunting. That’s because many leaders ran into cruel bosses themselves as they climbed the ladder; at some point, they were treated without empathy, a common occurrence in certain high-pressure industries. 

How to Practice Systemic Forgiveness 

The first step is self-forgiveness. This can often be the hardest part, as self-forgiveness can feel like a selfish act. Self-forgiveness is, after all, about you. It’s you who gets to let go, who gets to lower their blood pressure, who gets to relieve themselves of the weight they’ve been carrying around in their body. But this first step is crucial, because only in doing it for yourself can you do it for others. It’s sort of like putting your own oxygen mask on in an airplane before doing it for the person next to you.

We also tend to hold others accountable for imperfections we have not yet mastered. Understanding, that all of us are doing our best on any given day goes a long way toward forgiving easily. 

Next, assess your current interactions with others. Determine if you leverage forgiveness. Does “forgiveness” even cross your mind as a leadership term? Think about your last interaction with an employee or boss that was problematic. Assess what forgiveness would look like in this relationship. How does holding onto the offense benefit you, the other person, or your company?

Finally, shift your language, from “what’s wrong with you?” to “what happened to you?” Hold empathy and ask questions. Is there anything you can do to help them? The more you know someone’s story, the more you will leverage intellectual curiosity, and that gives you opportunities to leverage forgiveness. Employees will begin to see you as someone who is trustworthy, compassionate, and able to see beyond their mistakes. This is how you positively impact a system. Forgiving systems are a vital step to consider when thinking of ways to move forward. 

At the start of this new year, consider giving the gift of forgiveness to yourself, others, and ultimately the systems that you participate in or encounter. Very little is taught about this concept outside of spiritual circles, yet it is a basic human need. As a practitioner, I have helped thousands see the value of this concept. It has the potential of changing lives and improving individual and organizational health. It is a gift that may cost you everything and nothing simultaneously, but it is worth consideration. In the immortal words of Bishop Desmond Tutu, “There is no future without forgiveness.” 

Antoinette L. Allen, Ph.D. is the owner and Chief Storyteller at Two Cups of TLC, LLC where she works to help individuals and leaders embrace their authentic self. She is passionate about encouraging cultures of forgiveness and the pursuit of healing. She is skilled at facilitating and speaking on crucial and confrontational topics such as race relations and traumatic events. She is best known for her lively discussions and engaging learning atmosphere created by experiential learning practices and arts-based methodologies. She is the author of the book, Bras, Bootstraps and the Bible: Stories of Resilience.   Connect Antoinette L. Allen