Get To Know Yourself Better
Cultivating your own conversational style allows you to work well with others
Posted on 09-08-2021, Read Time: Min
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Hybrid-work models, alongside the pandemic, are seemingly here to stay. So what have we learned from the last year?
If you want to work well with others in an office that shifts from in-person to digital, then it’s time to get to know yourself better. And the best way to do that, is by striking up a conversation.
New Diggs
Whether you’ve returned to the office or not, chances are you’ve worked with individuals and teams in a remote capacity. While remote work was a necessary adaptation to the virulent virus, many workers—including Zoom’s CEO Eric Yuan—expressed their fatigue from the difficulties of endless virtual meetings.
Now it appears that hybrid-work models—a few days a week on-site and off-site—are the next disruption to workplaces. While hybrid-work sounds like a step in the right direction, it presents even more conversational challenges.
Now it appears that hybrid-work models—a few days a week on-site and off-site—are the next disruption to workplaces. While hybrid-work sounds like a step in the right direction, it presents even more conversational challenges.
Online Versus Offline Personality
It’s no secret that working together in person creates a special, humankind of interplay. People ebb and flow throughout the day—in a shared space—which leads to our normative social rules of engagement.
Take that process online, and some of that connection is lost—even depersonalized. And to the surprise of many, that can change your behavior.
It’s a spectrum of change ranging from good to bad. For example, perhaps video-chat conversations have helped you to think more before speaking—due a lack of side conversations during the long waits in between speaker turns—however you tend to cut people off more—because it’s hard to get a word in edgewise.
It doesn’t stop there. Zoom is only one of a dozen potential applications that workers communicate through. Within each one, people develop conversational norms. For example, Slack allows for rapid communication amongst teams, so that problems can get solved quicker and more seamlessly than via email. On the flip side, the ease of use—that makes the application so convenient—also acts as a source of stress and anxiety when you can’t get away from it.
With all of these moving targets, some of our conversational habits slip by unnoticed. After all, we are human, and not eagle-eyed. But with a little preparation and guidance, you can have a say in how you act, feel, and think on and offline.
Take that process online, and some of that connection is lost—even depersonalized. And to the surprise of many, that can change your behavior.
It’s a spectrum of change ranging from good to bad. For example, perhaps video-chat conversations have helped you to think more before speaking—due a lack of side conversations during the long waits in between speaker turns—however you tend to cut people off more—because it’s hard to get a word in edgewise.
It doesn’t stop there. Zoom is only one of a dozen potential applications that workers communicate through. Within each one, people develop conversational norms. For example, Slack allows for rapid communication amongst teams, so that problems can get solved quicker and more seamlessly than via email. On the flip side, the ease of use—that makes the application so convenient—also acts as a source of stress and anxiety when you can’t get away from it.
With all of these moving targets, some of our conversational habits slip by unnoticed. After all, we are human, and not eagle-eyed. But with a little preparation and guidance, you can have a say in how you act, feel, and think on and offline.
Blind Spots
All humans have blind spots. They help us navigate quickly and efficiently in a world that bombards us with more than enough data to send anyone into overload. Blind spots—especially the unhealthy ones—become roadblocks that prevent us from connecting with others.
You might think that the answer to overcoming these blind spots is to turn inwards. That’s the first step. However, you can’t do it all alone. That’s why they are called blind spots. It takes practice in live conversations to identify the gaps in understanding between yourself and others.
You might think that the answer to overcoming these blind spots is to turn inwards. That’s the first step. However, you can’t do it all alone. That’s why they are called blind spots. It takes practice in live conversations to identify the gaps in understanding between yourself and others.
Conversational Glasses™ Exercise
The easy way to identify blind spots—so that you can decide how you show up in daily conversations—is through the conversational glasses exercise.
Yes, like sunglasses! And with these glasses, you can take control of conversational habits—the first step towards raising your Conversational Intelligence® (C-IQ).
Yes, like sunglasses! And with these glasses, you can take control of conversational habits—the first step towards raising your Conversational Intelligence® (C-IQ).
C-IQ Conversational Glasses™ by Roxanne Panero of The CreatingWE® Institute
How to Make Your Own Conversational Glasses
- Step 1: Pick a frame. Framing a conversation allows you to formulate a plan. Ask yourself, “Do I want to take a deeper look into my online or offline conversational habits?”
- Step 2: Pick a lens. Instead of filtering light, this conversational lens filters behaviors that either open up people to connect, or close them down in fear and anxiety. The Table contains a few examples of healthy, oxytocin-producing behaviors and unhealthy, cortisol-producing behaviors. Oxytocin is a biochemical that helps us open up, connect, and bond for healthy conversations. Cortisol is a hormone that’s necessary for regulating stress, immunity and metabolism. Too much cortisol can negatively impact the quality of our health and conversations. Select one behavior from each list, and then write them down—see the world as the brain sees it—the good and the bad in simultaneity. One of our common blind spots involves filtering the good or the bad, one in exchange for the other.
- Step 3: Try them on! Now that you have framed your mind with a balanced conversational lens, it’s time to strike up a couple of conversations. Ask yourself, “How often am I engaging in healthy behaviors with others?” and “How often am I engaging in unhealthy behaviors with others?” When you find what is working, cultivate those healthy channels of communication. And when you find out what the blind spots are, ask yourself how you can regulate the behavior so that you can focus on building healthier connections!
Author Bio
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Nicklas Balboa is a researcher and Project Manager at The CreatingWE Institute. Since joining The Institute in 2017, Nicklas worked alongside founders Judith E. Glaser & Richard D. Glaser on a myriad of Conversational Intelligence (C-IQ) projects. Nicklas is the Manager of the Institute’s Catalyst Tools and curated the WE-IQ TV Neuroscientist Interviews. He authors a blog on The Neuroscience of Conversations for Psychology Today. Key research interests include cognitive and brain sciences as they relate to interpersonal relationships. |
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