In An Uncertain World, Acceptance Gives Leaders An Edge

The antidote to resentment

The notion of acceptance as a critical leadership skill may seem strange. Leaders are supposed to set direction, create a vision for the future and inspire others to help create that future. What does acceptance have to do with that?

There are things you can change or influence, and things you cannot. Specifically, you cannot change anything that has already happened. That may seem obvious, yet in my work as a leadership coach and facilitator of culture transformation, I am often struck by how many breakdowns occur in organizations because individuals won't accept what they cannot change. They become stuck in complaining and arguing over what currently is, or what is already past. The cost to organizations is substantial. It is up to leaders to recognize when this is happening and change the dynamic. For leaders to intervene in this toxic dynamic they must begin with themselves — in what I call the Field of Self. It is the first of four fields I have identified that together compose what I call “field leadership” (the other fields are the Interpersonal Field, the Field of Teams and the Enterprise Field.) Field leadership is essential for effective leadership, especially in uncertain and tumultuous times. 
 

I coached Carla, who led the project management group for a professional services company. Carla was a respected leader but could also be strong-willed and close-minded. She struggled particularly with Mohammed, a project manager who reported to her. Mohammed could also be strong-willed and close-minded. His ideas about who to bring onto a project and how to lead the project often conflicted with Carla's and they ended up "agreeing to disagree." That was really code for "we don't know how to find common ground and create alignment." While this enabled them to avoid overt conflict, it left an underlying residue of covert conflict that colored all of their interactions. It also affected team meetings, where others sensed the tension between them. When I interviewed Carla she said that she knew she could be strong-willed but that Mohammed was stubborn, never listened, and wasn't interested in anyone else's point of view. And, she was the boss.

To her credit, Carla was open to self-examination — willing to work on her Field of Self and better understand how she contributed to the difficulties with Mohammed. I asked her to consider what caused Mohammed to behave the way he did. I got the answer I often get when asking someone to consider another’s motives: “I hadn’t really thought about that.” This is how the journey of acceptance often begins, by reflecting on why another person behaves the way they do, putting yourself in their shoes.

Carla was bright and quick but her self-awareness was not well developed. She had worked her way up in male-dominated organizations and had found her power in taking strong stands. In doing so she had also developed a pattern of automatically resisting perspectives that contradicted hers. Resistance can be brittle. Its power is limited to keeping things as they are, blocking learning, change, or adaptation. Real power comes from acceptance, because acceptance opens us up to possibilities. 

It may be surprising to consider that power comes from acceptance. After all, “acceptance” can sound like agreeing or approving, or even giving in. And that can make it seem weak. In Carla's case, she refused to accept that Mohammed had a different point of view. Emotionally she felt she had to make him change. That immediately triggered his resistance and he would become as rigid as Carla. Carla needed to accept that Mohammed had his point of view before progress could be made. 

Resentment — A Toxic State in the Field of Self

When you fail to accept the current state, whatever it is, you are likely to fall into resentment. In fact, I often define resentment as an unwillingness to accept the current state. Resentment leads to complaining but it does not lead to action. Without acceptance, Carla was stuck in resentment, asking herself over and over, "Why is he like that? Why is he so difficult?" In her lack of acceptance she never asked what she could do differently, how she might be contributing to the stalemate.

Resentment is toxic. It narrows your vision and prevents you from seeing possibilities. It is also inevitable. I go there every day. But with self-awareness you can take resentment as a reminder to step back and examine your resistance to the current state. Resentment, while toxic, also serves as a shield — a firewall against the feelings you would have if you dropped the resentment and accepted the reality of whatever triggered it. Underneath resentment are often other feelings — sadness, grief, disappointment. Staying in resentment holds those at bay but also keeps you stuck.

I do not mean to suggest that letting go of resentment is easy. In fact, it is often quite difficult. But allowing yourself to feel what is underneath it, is the way to resolve it. Ignoring those feelings keeps resentment alive, wasting your time and energy, diminishing your effectiveness. The way through this is to let yourself have those feelings and learn from them. They are teaching you about parts of yourself, ingrained patterns of behavior that no longer serve you. Self acceptance enables you to accept others.

Acceptance — The Antidote to Resentment

When I use the word acceptance I mean it as an emotional state, not agreement or approval. As an emotional state, acceptance enables you to truly acknowledge the current state of affairs. In this sense, agreement and approval have nothing to do with acceptance. In this sense, acceptance is a way of getting centered emotionally, letting go of the past and focusing on what’s possible going forward. 

The more wholeheartedly you accept that others have made choices you may not agree with, the more you will be at peace, and paradoxically, the more influence you will have with others. When you are at peace, and when others feel respected and accepted by you, they become more open. They trust more, and will allow your words in, as they would not — could not — if they felt the need to defend.

Acceptance is one of the centering practices in the Field of Self. It awakens empathy and curiosity — two essential tools for resolving conflict and building collaboration in the Interpersonal Field. Acceptance creates openings you cannot discover in resistance. It creates engagement and connection, and from there, the rich potential of the Interpersonal Field is unleashed.

Resentment paralyzes you, keeping you perseverating about what you cannot change and blind to possibilities. And it has a similar effect on others — emotions are contagious, and your resentment can easily spread to others. Acceptance energizes you, freeing the energy that would otherwise be consumed in resentment so you can use it to discover possibilities and act on them. Acceptance creates a mood of ambition and inspires others to accept, become curious, and join you in discovery. That’s why acceptance is a vital skill for leaders, especially in tumultuous times when those you lead may feel uncertain and insecure. When people feel accepted for who they are and what they think, they also feel safer and more secure. A safe and secure workforce is vital for navigating uncertain and challenging times.

Over time, Carla learned to catch herself when she felt the urge to resist others before hearing them out. She would take a breath, center, ask herself what she needed to accept, and engage in curiosity, thus short circuiting the risk of resentment. She never compromised strong stands that she knew she should hold but she learned acceptance and curiosity as vehicles for discovery, engagement, and innovation. Her relationships with Mohammed and others became more collaborative and meetings became more productive. Agreeing to disagree became a thing of the past.

Tom Goodell is author of THE FOUR FIELDS OF LEADERSHIP and President and Founder of Linden Leadership, Inc. Tom has worked as a coach and facilitator for senior executives, managers, and teams in organizations ranging from small family-owned businesses to Fortune 500 global enterprises.  Visit www.lindenleadership.com Connect Tom Goodell