Uncovering Your Emotional Junk

Your next emotional breakdown is closer than you think

“We are enslaved by anything we do not consciously see. We are freed by conscious perception.”
                                                -Vernon Howard, author, spiritual teacher, philosopher
 

 

As a leader, you need to freely make the decisions you really want to make, even when it ruffles feathers, damages egos, or causes a minor earthquake within your company.
 
At times, if you’re like most leaders, it’s hard to be that bold. Sometimes your emotional junk (residue from challenging times in your life) is right at the surface, diminishing your ability to do what needs to be done. This residue often takes the form of unconscious thoughts.
 
Your thoughts may cause you to question yourself, worry what other people think, or behave in ways you later regret.
 
Past traumas leave emotional junk in your brain, subconsciously affecting your behaviour and decisions. This junk lowers your emotional intelligence, weakening your true capacity as a leader. It elicits strong negative emotions, and diminishes your ability to think strategically. It compromises your integrity, and can stop you from saying or doing what needs to be done.
 
Most leaders limit their freedom by ignoring or denying their emotional junk. But it’s still there, affecting you whether or not you’re comfortable acknowledging it. And if you don’t clean it up, you can never be truly free no matter how much money or success you have.

You can uncover your emotional junk by noticing the kinds of situations that make you tense. Notice when you seek others’ approval, or act in a way that is out of character. Notice when you back down from what you really want.
 
Maybe you have a hard time saying no to people who admire you. Or you retreat when people get upset. Maybe you have a weakness for charming but mediocre people. Or you explode when you see someone being taken advantage of.
 
Whatever your triggers are, when they are activated, they affect your thinking and decision-making.
 
When you know your emotional junk, you can create workarounds to keep yourself in check. You can find an alternate path to take for each of your emotional triggers.
 
Workarounds can be as simple as seeking a second opinion, waiting 24 hours before you act, saying no, not making decisions when you are tired, requiring someone else to be a part of specific meetings or decisions, or not emailing when you are mad.
 
In my case, I leave really early for all client meetings and flights so I’m not triggered by lateness. I request follow-up conversations when my anger arises, to prevent blasting people in the heat of the moment.
 
When stress outpaces your tried-and-true coping mechanisms, your energy gets depleted. In these dark moments, the only rational step is to find a professional who can help you restore your mental resilience.
 
Don’t let discomfort or shame keep you from getting help. Most people wait way too long. What they don’t understand is that most mental health issues are completely fixable.
 
And some are even preventable, if you learn to monitor your mental state, and have a steady routine for managing your mental wellness.

As a leader, you are in a position to help silence the stigma associated with mental health. I ask you to take on this role. Educate yourself. Acknowledge the struggle. Talk about it with family, friends, and your team.
 
Ultimately, mental health is no different than physical health. People just respond differently because of the stigma.
 
If someone breaks a leg at work, everyone knows exactly what to do: go to that person, comfort them, stabilize them if you can, and call the paramedics.
 
But if someone at work has a breakdown, an emotional outburst, or develops an addiction, everyone freezes. People retreat or say unhelpful things. No one knows who to call or what to do. So often they do nothing. That’s how a tragedy happens.
 
The reality is we are all just one or two life events away from a mental health crisis. So be prepared to handle issues when they arise for you, and the people around you. There is a path back to mental wellness, but you can’t follow it in silence.

When you have an accurate understanding of your own mental health, and you’ve got your own plan on track, you can be more aware of the state of those around you.
 
You may start to notice subtle things in people that may indicate their mental state, such as changes in appearance, attitude, social activity, work attendance or substance use.
 
This is the time for a coffee talk. Make time to chat with the person outside the office, where they’re more likely to open up about potentially difficult topics.
 
All you have to do is gently say that you’ve noticed something seems different about them, and you’re wondering if there might be something really stressing them out. If they open up and share something, listen and be compassionate.
 
People can benefit greatly from having someone hear and understand their situation. Sometimes that’s enough.
 
See where the conversation takes you. Be a calm, listening presence. If you think they need it, point them toward a trusted professional, or offer to help them find one.
 
As a leader, you can silence the stigma and inspire others to take active steps to improve their mental health as well. But you have to take the first step.  

Kevin Lawrence is known for combining business acumen with a no-holds-barred, tell-it-like-it-is style. With a career spanning twenty years and four continents, he's helped hundreds of CEOs and executives break through challenges, grow their companies, and find personal success along the way. Lawrence is a Coach Emeritus with Gazelles, the world-renowned strategic planning and coaching organization, and a key contributor to the book Scaling Up (Mastering the Rockefeller Habits 2.0). Connect Kevin Lawrence Visit https://lawrenceandco.com Follow @lawrenceandco1