Six Tips For When It’s Time To Have A Crucial Conversation

How can we become unafraid to speak up about things that matter?

Have you felt more afraid to speak your mind at work or home lately? You’re not alone. A Crucial Learning survey of more than 1,300 people found that an incredible 9 out of 10 respondents have felt emotionally or physically unsafe to speak their mind more than once in the past 18 months.
 

In addition, thirty-nine percent reported feeling unsafe either every day or every week, and only seven percent report that they are just as confident as ever in social situations. 

Of course, there’s no shortage of highly charged topics we’re shying away from these days. Those issues that have people feeling the most nervous or unsafe to speak their mind on include:

•  Political or social issues (74%)
•  Covid-19 issues (70%)
•  Racism, discrimination, and bias (53%)
•  Conspiracy theories or fake news (47%)

Perhaps some of these anecdotes will sound familiar to you:

“I am unvaccinated. I was told that I am uncaring about others because of that; it was a 'no brainer' to be vaccinated because the other person cared about others, implying that I don't care. This is a person I have been best friends with for 40+ years. It is a real strain on the relationship, and we have just created distance between us, and that is painful and I miss her.”

“I have a co-worker who speaks very disrespectfully of the political party I belong to and makes her statements as if everyone else surely agrees with her because they would be stupid if they didn't. It's very difficult for me to say anything because my workplace is very entrenched in the same ideology, so it doesn't feel safe to disagree with the party line. I don't want to have disagreements with co-workers and feel overpowered in these instances.”

“I have avoided any and all conversations about politics, race, discrimination, bias, conspiracy theories, Covid, etc., because of the current cancel culture. People are so overwrought and emotional these days and cannot accept that there are and can be opposing viewpoints. I don't want to risk offending someone or being misunderstood. Furthermore, if I were to say something that didn't align with my employer's philosophy, I would lose my job. I've seen it happen and it's just not worth the risk. It's easier to keep my head down and my mouth shut.”

Yet despite the seemingly growing chaos in the world today, we’ve always struggled to master Crucial Conversations. The good news is we have more control over our fear than we think. Leaning on a long-established concept in psychological research called the Least Preferred Coworker scale, subjects described their level of fear in a recent social situation, and their scaled perception of the person(s) they were fearful of addressing.

Using stepwise regression, researchers measured how much fear could be accounted for by more negative characterizations of others. The result? Those who tended to tell more extreme stories about their conversational counterparts were more than three times more likely to feel fearful and 3.5 times more likely to lack confidence in speaking their minds. 

Thus, in order to feel less fear about speaking up, we must change the stories we’re telling ourselves about the other person’s intentions and motivations. How can we change our stories? Begin by implementing these six principles: 

Start with Facts

Carefully lay out the facts behind your point of view. Use specific and observable descriptions. 

“We were talking about vaccine mandates. I felt confident sharing information that is not generally known from sources like the CDC website and others to explain my decision. I was calm, able to ask clarifying questions, and confident sharing my decision…”

Get Curious

Rather than try to decide “who is right,” sincerely try to understand the world view of the other person. Ask questions, seek to understand, and show interest.

“We discussed our opposing views on the renaming of our university-based on racist associations of the current name. My friend saw me in a university t-shirt and came into the conversation hot. As we heard each other out, we realized there was a lot we agreed on.”

Make it Safe 

When emotions escalate, good Crucial Conversationalists reassure others of their respect for them and point out values they both share.

“Last winter I yelled at a fellow snowshoeing partner as he told me the Dems are shutting down the freedom of speech of Conservatives. Then I calmed down and told him that he and I both wanted similar things in our country - safety, jobs, education, protected environment, etc. He tried to engage me on gun rights and I just listened and didn't get excited. It calmed both of us down.”

Be Skeptical of Your Point of View

Conversations work best when you come in with a combination of confidence and humility. Be confident that you have a point of view that is worth expressing, but humble enough to accept that you don’t have a monopoly on truth and new information might modify your perspective. 

“My friend and I had a heated conversation about homelessness. We came from different perspectives of who the homeless are (are they lazy drug addicts, or victims of misfortune and mental illness, etc.?). Because we were both open to new information, we both came to a more nuanced view of things. Our conversation ended up at a better understanding.”

Don’t Focus on Convincing

Don’t let your main goal be to change the other person’s mind. Instead, encourage the sharing of ideas and listen before responding.

“I've had numerous conversations recently about the prime minister in Canada. My husband believes he's responsible for ruining the country. I felt confident holding the conversation because I can express my views without telling him he's wrong or making him feel defensive. I ask him questions that encourage him to contemplate a different point of view without insisting that he's wrong.”

Own Your Right to Your Opinion

Rather than rely on others to validate your right to your opinion, take responsibility to validate yourself. 

“Our daughter and son-in-law have recently talked to my husband and me about two difficult topics: Covid vaccinations and white privilege. I was uncomfortable discussing them and at first tried to smooth it over, but then gained confidence and was comfortable talking. I recognized that my viewpoints and beliefs are not crazy or ignorant and that I have the right to make my own decisions and talk about why I made them. I resist the pressure to feel like my thoughts and decision are ‘less than.’” 

We need more people of all opinions and persuasions to engage in healthy, constructive dialogue. Implement these six principles and speak up about things that matter!

Joseph Grenny is a four-time New York Times bestselling author, dynamic keynote speaker, and leading social scientist for business performance. Over the past thirty years, Joseph has delivered engaging keynotes at major conferences including the HSM World Business Forum at Radio City Music Hall. Joseph’s work has been translated into 28 languages, is available in 36 countries, and has generated results for 300 of the Fortune 500. Visit Joseph Grenny Follow @josephgrenny