Why Embracing Conflict Is Key To Cultivating A Peaceful And Productive Culture

Understanding the six core human desires

There is an old adage that says “Whatever we resist persists.” While many of us have a tendency to resist or avoid conflict, HR professionals know that even the healthiest organizational cultures will see conflicts pop up between individuals and teams. What if it were possible for HR leaders, and their teams and the employees they work with, to embrace conflict as a welcome opportunity for clarity and solutions? What if conflict could be utilized as a powerful opportunity for self-discovery? What if this kind of self-discovery could also be a potent window into seeing and understanding the motivations and desires of others? I would like to propose that knowing and understanding our own core desires, as well as the desires of others with whom we may be in conflict, is actually the key to effective leadership, peace, and productivity. 

Labels & Conflict

I’ve come to discover that all conflicts, be it internationally among world powers, among groups within societies, within companies between management and employees, or even in families and personal relationships, have the exact same root causes. If we can address the root of conflict within us, we can solve it at every level.  

Within each of our brains is a complex survival mechanism that has evolved over many millennia called the reticular activating system. This system is responsible for the primitive “fight or flight” mechanism that’s activated each time we feel threatened in some way. When the fight / flight operating system is activated, the brain begins to scan our environment through the lens of danger. When the threat is perceived, the brain identifies (labels) the threat, and a reaction to either attack or flee the threat is made. 

This fight / flight mechanism has been necessary for humanity to temporarily survive hostile environments throughout our evolution. In the workplace, however, this survival mechanism rarely brings about optimal outcomes for anybody. HR leaders are uniquely positioned in the organization to model and facilitate better ways to handle conflict. Let’s take a brief look at the mechanics of how conflicts develop. 

When one party feels offended or threatened, a strong biological tendency to identify the threat activates in the brain in which the other person begins to be seen through a label of  judgment. Oftentimes, this is subtle and unconscious. Once this subtle identification of the other occurs in the mind, communication with them begins to change and eventually break down. 

Once communication suffers, fertile ground now exists for psychological rumination and fear to cultivate in the depths of the imagination. This forms a new lens through which the other is viewed as the source of our problem. Without mitigation we’re at risk of labeling the other party further in some way (“evil,” “stupid,” “dangerous,” etc.). 

As fear of the labeled other takes root in our mind, we devolve back into a primitive fight or flight state of mind. This is when reactive strategies of fight or flight begin to be imagined and prepared for. As this occurs, conflict becomes almost inevitable. While the fight or flight mechanism may have been necessary for our survival in ancient times when daily survival was under constant threat, it is a detriment to our ability to partner together in relationships, companies, and as a society in modern times. 

The Six Core Human Desires & Understanding 

Renowned life coach Anthony Robbins has done much work in the field of identifying the six fundamental human needs that are found to be consistent regardless of ethnicity, socioeconomic status, gender, age, etc. According to Robbins, the six essential core desires of human beings are:
 

1. Certainty - A sensation and awareness of being grounded and safe.
2. Uncertainty - A sensation of freedom, newness, and possibility.
3. Significance - A sensation of importance, competence, and self-worth.
4. Love and Connection - A sensation of intimate connection and acceptance.
5. Growth - A sensation of personal evolution and development.
6. Contribution - An altruistic desire to make the world a better place and add value for the betterment of society.

I have observed, (both from my own lived experience and also with the folks that I have worked with in a life coaching capacity), that when a person feels they are moving forward in all six of these motivations, they will feel that they are living a deeply fulfilling life. 

The first four of the six human motivations function, much like an operating system, operates for a computer. When the operating system is intact, the computer can function to the level of its capability. When one or more of the first four human desires are challenged or threatened in some way, our “operating system” becomes destabilized and the fight or flight system is activated in the brain. This experience is what is commonly known as a “trigger.”  

Applying the Six Human Desires to Conflict

In my work as a life coach, I’ve observed that whenever a person can recognize what their own core motivations are, they gain the ability to see that the distress they may be feeling in a situation is actually connected to the perception of lack in one or more of their own core desires. This often leads to the understanding that the threat is not external in the way that it may initially seem. This awareness creates an opportunity for internal introspection and processing of emotion, as opposed to immediate reactive conflict with another.

After more than twenty years of working with people in various capacities, I’ve yet to witness a conflict, or experience a conflict, that wasn’t directly associated with one or more of the core human desires being affected in some way. 

Several years ago, I was employed as a corrections officer in a state penitentiary for convicted felons. There was a particular inmate that was transferred to my cell block that was known for being belligerent and violent toward staff. Let’s call him Frank for discussion purposes. During each shift, the corrections officer on duty would conduct a log of the shift and would mark in the log book with a bright yellow highlighter any inmate name and cell that was a problem during their shift so that the following shift officer would be aware. Each shift, I would see that Frank’s behavior was highlighted from the previous shift officer. 

Because of Frank’s violent reputation, staff members would treat him in a hostile manner anticipating his belligerent behavior. Frank took this personally and would also anticipate harsh treatment from the staff in anticipation of the disrespect that he felt he would receive. What resulted was a predictable conflict between Frank and the staff on a daily basis. 

One day during my shift, I reflected on what I had been learning regarding human behavior. I had come to learn that nothing is truly personal when dealing with conflict with others, as most people are often simply projecting their own insecurities onto others. I realized that Frank felt disrespected in life (insignificant), and as a result, he projected this same sense of insignificance toward everyone he interacted with. His third core human desire (recall the list from Robbins) wasn’t being met, and this was how that sense of lack manifested. I realized that when Frank treated me in an insignificant and disrespectful manner, it had nothing to do with me in reality, but with his own anger and pain stemming from his own sense of insignificance. 

Before I interacted with Frank that day, I took time to ground myself in my own internal sense of significance and security. As I approached Frank, he was his usual belligerent self. It felt different to me that day, however. I noticed a patient and non-reactive presence within me. As a result, I began to engage him in conversation. Simple questions at first just to hear more about his complaints, then more probing questions to understand him better. This led to a surprising conversation about his life. The entire cell block became pin-drop quiet as everyone was in disbelief that Frank was engaged in respectful and open conversation with a corrections officer who was listening without judgment or advice. Surprisingly to me, I enjoyed the conversation and even felt a measure of empathy for him as I could relate with his own struggles in life. I concluded that Frank wasn’t so different than any of us.

I’ll never forget what happened the following day, however. When I came into work, the previous outgoing officer gave me a rundown of his shift. When he showed me his shift log book, he said this: 

“Strangely, there are no yellow marks for any inmate today. Not even Frank. That’s a first. Not sure what’s gotten into him”. 

Amazingly, Frank remained calm on my shift that evening and he never received a yellow highlight mark from any shift officer after that. It wasn’t long before his security status lowered and he was transferred to a lower security part of the prison. 

This was a tremendous transformation in behavior in a short period of time for one simple reason. I reflected back to Frank what he needed the most. A sense of significance. This is a core human desire that we all have.   

Think about various conflicts that you’ve had or facilitated with individuals and teams. When you reflect upon them, can you identify what core human desires you or the other party might have been struggling with? If you consider the conflicts you’re currently navigating, what core human desires do you think might be at play? When you think about the conflict through that lens, what might you do differently to bring people together and come to a solution?     

The gasoline of any conflict, so to speak, is the faulty perception that the other is fundamentally different than we are. Whenever we begin to see that the other party has the same desires for certainty, freedom, significance, and acceptance that we have, the ability to castigate or demonize them is taken away leading to understanding and eventually empathy. This is the beginning of the end of conflict.

For leaders in any capacity, it is essential that we understand what drives and motivates those we seek to influence and serve. Our ability to lead and connect with those we are serving will be in direct proportion to our ability to understand their core motivations. The deeper the connection with those we are serving, the more influence we will gain to create a truly healthy, productive, and inclusive culture.

Jamal Jivanjee is a best-selling author, podcaster, and full-time life coach. As an author with over twenty years of experience working with people in various stages of personal struggle and challenges, after traveling to many cultures around the globe, Jamal has discovered the common roots of human suffering along with the sustainable solutions required to help people become liberated and empowered. Jamal is passionate about serving individuals, couples, and groups on the path toward enlightenment, wholeness, and liberation. Visit www.jamaljivanjee.com