Bulletproofing Yourself Against Anti-Mentors
Why do we still yearn for their approval?
Posted on 05-03-2021, Read Time: Min
Share:
When you feel really strong, there are people who can make you feel really small. If you let these people into your circle, or give them an important role in your life, it will be hard to ever feel like you deserve to be at the adults’ table. And the Moby Dick of diminishers is the anti-mentor.
Who are these people, and why do we listen to them? There’s a point during my talk on leadership when I say this: “I’m going to say a term . . . anti-mentor.” This is when the mood radically shifts. Then I say, “I don’t need to tell you what this means. You already know. In fact, I’m pretty sure someone immediately came to mind. This word is universal, and unfortunately it needs no translation.”
After I say this, people laugh nervously, hold back tears, or smile and nod wisely. No one is neutral.
There isn’t a human alive who hasn’t fought to overcome, or is still fighting, the buttons (or triggers) installed by their anti-mentors.
Those buttons are the harmful messages that continue to grow like ruthless, pernicious weeds in your mind, even if you are wildly successful in almost every aspect of your life. If you don’t learn to quiet them, they run the risk of consuming you, thwarting hopes and dreams.
So, how do we neutralize our anti-mentors? The first step is identifying them.
Someone likely popped into your head when you read the word “anti-mentor,” yet really identifying them can be painfully hard. This is because some anti-mentors are less charged and easy to spot. For other folks, however, we spend our lives trying to convince ourselves that they are not our anti-mentors.
ANTI-MENTORS...
- Are important people in our lives we usually share a long history with.
- Often have more power than us, or at least the relationship started out that way—think a coach, professor, parent, or involved aunt!
- Are profoundly uncomfortable with us when we succeed and are subconsciously invested in our failure but would never admit this to themselves.
- Often boast of our accomplishments in public, sometimes claiming them as a product of their support, yet oddly in private, they bad-mouth those very accomplishments.
- Act like we are behaving out of character when we feel confident and happy.
- Are the emotional snipers in our lives, their bullets flying at us with laser-like focus, seemingly out of the blue.
- Can be warm and genuinely supportive with other people, which can make us feel more than a little crazy: “What’s wrong with us?”
- Are the last people we should listen to, ever, and yet we crave their approval the most.
We should steer clear of our anti-mentors. Instead, we give them a bullhorn in our headspace.
We do this because our inner critics are often nurtured, and sometimes birthed, by our anti-mentors. In many ways, many of us have allowed these folks to define us. So, if they finally approve of us, that can feel more validating than if our cheerleaders tell us we did a great job. We adopt the thinking, “Oh, our cheerleaders are supportive so we can’t trust them, but if our critics think we did a good job, then that must be real.”
The great irony of this is that most of the time it is our cheerleaders who see us much more clearly than our anti-mentors, because they see the best of us. They inspire us to be our best selves. They see us clearly, unlike our anti-mentors, who see a negative, distorted view of us.
Why Do We Yearn for Our Anti-Mentors’ Approval?
The answer can be summarized in two words: intermittent reinforcement. You can get someone to crave something when rewards are doled out inconsistently even when the behavior triggering the reward is consistent. Here’s a common example: You are doing all kinds of great things. Person A praises you randomly and not often. Person B praises you consistently for your accomplishments. You will go back to person A over and over again. Rare inconsistent rewards psychologically condition us to come back for more.
We are addicted to our anti-mentors, even those of us who are no longer in denial that these folks are bad for us. Anti-mentors keep us small and diminished, and it’s next to impossible to succeed when we feel this way. Kicking the habit is critical, so here’s how to bulletproof yourself against anti-mentors:
We are addicted to our anti-mentors, even those of us who are no longer in denial that these folks are bad for us. Anti-mentors keep us small and diminished, and it’s next to impossible to succeed when we feel this way. Kicking the habit is critical, so here’s how to bulletproof yourself against anti-mentors:
- Identify the anti-mentors in your life. This will not be a delightful process. We care about these folks or they would have been gone long ago. If the checklist above doesn’t do the trick, there is another way to figure out who they are. Check in with your feelings. If you constantly look for someone’s approval, rarely get it, and often feel demoralized by them, that’s a neon sign flashing ANTI-MENTOR! Don’t ignore it.
- Let go and do not look to them for approval. (Again, easier said than done, but definitely possible.) Do this by following these steps:
- Remind. Remind yourself that you will receive constructive feedback from your anti-mentor only intermittently, but the vast majority of the feedback will be diminishing and negative.
- Mourn. Allow yourself to get really, really sad that your anti-mentor just can’t support you in the way you so wish they would.
- Release. Letting go of the hope your anti-mentor will magically start supporting you can be one of the hardest things you go through in life. You actually may need a therapist to help you work through it, especially if said anti-mentor is your parent or someone you expect will support you.
- Create. Once you have really let go of your desire for your anti-mentor to be a real mentor, start looking for kind, wiser people to fill that void. Create a new group of positive mentors who can support you and give constructive feedback, rather than shredding your soul. Some people reading this may think they’re too old to find a mentor. You are never too old to find new mentors, and not all of them have to be older than you. As a coach and teacher, I have mentored plenty of people older than me, and I have been mentored by people younger than me. Get creative, think of what kind of person might fill the void, and start forging relationships.
- Push the abort button. If you find yourself in a situation where you’re at your weakest, you are at risk of seeking out your anti-mentor. When you want to go to your anti-mentor for support, check in with yourself. Are you feeling a slight but undeniably familiar feeling of unease, dread, worry, or insecurity? Excellent. Do not ignore it! This is your abort button. You must remind yourself that despite the authority you’ve given them, their opinions hold no more merit than anyone else’s.
- Reward your anti-anti-mentor wins. It’s time to condition yourself to associate not seeking out your anti-mentor with a reward. If you love ice cream, eat some. If yoga is your thing, go put your body in the shape of a pretzel. If you got a great review from work, reread it whilst sipping your favorite tea. Reward yourself in some large or small way. Really, take the time to do this. You will train yourself to associate not calling your anti-mentor with a feeling of happiness.
Sometimes, you can’t, or don’t want to, avoid your anti-mentor. They may be a family member or a coach, and you don’t want to quit your family or your team. If this is the case, my IC approach can protect you when they invariably go for the jugular. I love this acronym. When you say it out loud, it sounds like “I see,” which reminds me that I see what my anti-mentor is doing, and therefore they shall not mess with me anymore. Here is what IC stands for:
- I (ignore). Don’t engage. Don’t get reactive. When the sniper fires, be like Neo in The Matrix. Stop the bullet in midair by saying to yourself, “Ah, anti-mentor, sniping yet again, and oh so predictable. This is simply what they do.” Then change the subject. When people don’t get reactions, they often eventually give up poking.
- C (call it out). Anti-mentors, fundamentally, are bullies, and bullies are cowards. Calling them out will stop their behavior in the present and prevent it in the future. So, if you can’t stop the bullet by ignoring it, call it out, or it will remain firmly lodged in you. Try asking a question; for example, “I’m confused. Are you comparing me unfavorably to our colleague as I’m sharing my excitement about my presentation with you?”
See, Then Forgive
When you really see people, they can lose their power over you. How many strong, happy, centered folks do you know who go around eviscerating people? I would guess zero. So it stands to reason your anti-mentors are fragile and are suffering. People in this state are simply unable to do the right thing.
When you see your anti-mentor as a flawed human, they will lose most of their power. This, in turn, will empower you. Perhaps just as importantly, when you’re ready, seeing their pain will allow you to do something incredibly healing for you both: begin to forgive them.
This article is adapted from my book, A Woman’s Guide to Claiming Space: Stand Tall. Raise Your Voice. Be Heard.
When you see your anti-mentor as a flawed human, they will lose most of their power. This, in turn, will empower you. Perhaps just as importantly, when you’re ready, seeing their pain will allow you to do something incredibly healing for you both: begin to forgive them.
This article is adapted from my book, A Woman’s Guide to Claiming Space: Stand Tall. Raise Your Voice. Be Heard.
Author Bio
 |
Eliza VanCort is an in-demand consultant, speaker, and writer on communications, career and workplace issues, and women’s empowerment. The founder of The Actor's Workshop of Ithaca, she is also a Cook House Fellow at Cornell University, an advisory board member of the Performing Arts for Social Change, a Diversity Crew partner, and a member of Govern for America's League of Innovators. Visit www.elizavancort.com Connect Eliza VanCort |
Error: No such template "/CustomCode/topleader/category"!
