Embracing 'I Don't Know' In Leadership

Navigating the path to success by fostering collaboration and shared responsibility

CEOs and managers often approach their role with the belief that it’s their responsibility to have answers because of their position. Most of us, however, are merely spitballing when we come up with ideas for problems, creative solutions, goals, or a new direction. When we state something like, “I know what to do next,” what we really mean is, “I think I know what we should try next.”

Early on in my life as a CEO, my approach was to have all the answers. I didn’t want to appear weak in front of my employees or leave them thinking I was incompetent. Some of my plans worked out, but most didn’t. Thus, when we crashed and burned in a new business venture, everyone else was surprised—except me. I was just fine because the business venture was my best rough estimate. Most managers and bosses also don’t have firm answers and merely use their intellect, resources, and limited data to make an educated assumption. Much harder to admit to an entire boardroom or employee meeting is the simple phrase: “I don’t know.”
 

The first time I leveraged this aspect of vulnerability, I had to fight the psychological response that I was failing and not owning my work because I believed it was my job to know. The day I tested out admitting I wasn’t sure where we were headed, members of my company were in a heated discussion about what to try next. I had thrown out some ideas initially, which everyone assumed was an ultimatum. Deep down, I thought my outline was nothing more than a good step forward. Seeing that people might run off on some fool’s errand, I finally took a moment to seize vulnerability. Still somewhat protective, I snarkily remarked to everyone in the room, “You guys realize I don’t know what to do next, right?”

The bulging eyes and expressions of shock were palpable. For me, the shock defined something even more important—they truly believed I had the answers when I didn’t. That day became a defining moment in the way I operated my company. I determined I needed to start with “I don’t know” as opposed to ending my business ventures and admitting my guesswork.

Recognizing you don’t know is nothing more than a first step in peeling back a layer, but there are several more to remove. Stating I didn’t know morphed into productive conversations where I would ask my workers, “Well, what do you think?” With that layer gone, I moved on to remove another.

As leaders, we proactively hijack the flow of ideation in meetings. We’ll hear ideas we like, grab the proverbial football, and try to score a touchdown alone instead of relying on the entire team who are also in the game. Everyone goes along with you running down the field toward what you think is the touchdown, but then the dreaded fumble happens because you never took the time to let the plans and ideas reach fruition. I realized that if I wanted more competent ideas and solutions to abound, I needed to be the last to speak, not the first.

The American business magnate and philanthropist, John D. Rockefeller, used this tactic in most of his meetings. When asked why he remained so quiet, he would respond with an old English nursery rhyme:
 

A wise old owl lived in an oak The more he saw, the less he spoke The less he spoke, the more he heard Why aren’t we all like that old bird?

Listening allows us to absorb information and prolong hasty decisions. We’re more apt to make informed resolutions from the input and wisdom of others. Additionally, it’s a better way to communicate because it teaches your employees that you expect them to have answers. This notion came from the New York Times best-selling book, The One Minute Manager. In the book, authors Ken Blanchard and Spencer Johnson recount one-minute goals, praise, and reprimands for their employees. During one of the reprimand portions of the book, this line stood out:

When I first came to work here, I spotted a problem that needed to be solved, but I didn’t know what to do. So I called the One Minute Manager. When he answered the phone, I said, Sir, I have a problem. Before I could get another word out, he said, Good! That’s what you’ve been hired to solve.

This subsequent story gave me permission to rewrite what my responsibility was, operate in vulnerability, and empower my employees. Kenzie, our director of employee fulfillment, recalled that when she first heard me ask for a solution, she felt uncertain. Not long after, her perspective shifted. She told me, “I’m the type of person to defer, so it takes me a lot of effort to present an idea or solution. However, with time, I felt like my thoughts and opinions mattered and that my ideas were wanted and needed.”

When leveraging your employees’ ideas and skills, it helps them discover their value to the organization, leads to duplication, and allows them to think through what their boss might think. That said, an area to be aware of is a false sense of humility and vulnerability in which leaders will pose a question, but still go with their idea. They’re not looking for feedback because they’ve already made up their minds. They just appear to be seeking opinions.

On the flip side, it’s humbling to objectively look at another person’s perspective and buy into their solution because it’s better. There’s always a difference when you’re brought into a process because it creates passion and excitement. It allows authentic community and brainstorming over artificial compliance. When you make solo decisions as the boss and never allow input, your employees get an out, because—as the boss—you’re the only one who bought into the solution.

When there’s shared fate, there’s communal responsibility and everyone wants a favorable outcome. No one can play the blame game because they’ve all bought in. This mindset also teaches your employees how to use “I don’t know” to their advantage as well.

For instance, there was a moment when I questioned Kenzie about something she’d been working on, and her response was, “Yeah, I’m not sure why I did that.” That wasn’t a moment to criticize her, but to celebrate her. She cared more about the outcome as opposed to the process, and I realized her response was a good indicator that I hadn’t set her up for success.

As the head of the company, I had to go back and reevaluate the situation. Kenzie knew the goal, where we were headed, and there were a million paths to get there. I just hadn’t helped set her up for success, and when she admitted she didn’t know, I realized my error.

I get that as heads of companies or shift leaders admitting you don’t know appears painful and like open exposure. If you say it but don’t feel it, then you also don’t mean it. Stating you don’t know how to abdicate responsibility isn’t a vulnerability. It’s false humility. When you don’t know and communicate that you need help, you’re reaching out to integrate the other person into the solution. It makes them feel seen, heard and wanted as a valuable member of your team. Most of all, it communicates that you’re not afraid to ask for help—and models it for others.

Excerpted from "The Empathy Revolution: Practical Wisdom to Combat Organizational and Social Loneliness" by Chris Meroff. Copyright © 2023. Available from DCX Community.

Author Bio

Chris Meroff is a CEO, founder, author and serial entrepreneur with a passion for helping business professionals find fulfillment in their work through sustainable success. Chris is the CEO and founder of DCX Community where he hosts a personal development conference and monthly networking event, The Table Network. These events seek to create an authentic community for people in a way that eliminates loneliness and isolation. He and his colleagues host the podcast, The Table Network Podcast, where they have intentional conversations with successful business owners and authors to build deeper relationships and better businesses.