How Women Can Overcome Resistance
A different set of core beliefs often operate for women
Posted on 05-03-2018, Read Time: Min
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Based on the book by leadership expert Sally Helgesen and bestselling leadership coach Marshall Goldsmith, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job.
Trying to change a behavior that gets in your way rarely succeeds unless you understand the beliefs that inform it. Beliefs create the framework that shapes your actions. They provide rationales for how you behave and present logical reasons for why you need not change.
Specific beliefs often enable successful people to achieve wonderful things. But these same beliefs can get in the way as they try to reach the next level or move to more challenging and satisfying terrain. These beliefs serve the cause of resistance.
The main theme running through the beliefs Marshall addresses with male coaches is often overconfidence. The belief that you have succeeded, will succeed, should succeed and have the power to succeed in whatever you choose to do. In his coaching practice, Marshall works with top executives whose unshakeable (and at times delusional) belief in their own god-like self-efficacy and rightness can make them highly resistant to any kind of behavioral change. They view success as their due, the sole result of their hard work and strategic brilliance. In this schema, good fortune and other people play minor roles.
Such beliefs are profoundly empowering. They spur those who hold them to take the big risks that many wildly successful careers are marked by. They instill an optimism others may find magnetic. They create resilience, the ability to weather setbacks and failures without giving way to paralyzing doubt.
Certainly, there are women who share these core beliefs, women who rarely seem to question themselves, who walk into a room expecting to own it and view themselves as unquestionably marked for success. But this is not always or even usually the case. Even high-achieving women often have to fight to maintain their confidence. They have to goad themselves into declaring what they’re good at or remind themselves why they deserve a seat at the big table. They may read self-help books aimed at instilling confidence, or listen to tapes while driving. They may practice positive affirmations (“I am bound to be successful in this endeavor!”). They may act “as if” and try to fake it till they make it.
Even at the highest levels, overconfidence is rarely a major female failing.
Our experience suggests that a different set of core beliefs often operate for women. These beliefs lie at the heart of their resistance, providing a rationale for behaviors that keep women stuck.
Trying to change a behavior that gets in your way rarely succeeds unless you understand the beliefs that inform it. Beliefs create the framework that shapes your actions. They provide rationales for how you behave and present logical reasons for why you need not change.
Specific beliefs often enable successful people to achieve wonderful things. But these same beliefs can get in the way as they try to reach the next level or move to more challenging and satisfying terrain. These beliefs serve the cause of resistance.
The main theme running through the beliefs Marshall addresses with male coaches is often overconfidence. The belief that you have succeeded, will succeed, should succeed and have the power to succeed in whatever you choose to do. In his coaching practice, Marshall works with top executives whose unshakeable (and at times delusional) belief in their own god-like self-efficacy and rightness can make them highly resistant to any kind of behavioral change. They view success as their due, the sole result of their hard work and strategic brilliance. In this schema, good fortune and other people play minor roles.
Such beliefs are profoundly empowering. They spur those who hold them to take the big risks that many wildly successful careers are marked by. They instill an optimism others may find magnetic. They create resilience, the ability to weather setbacks and failures without giving way to paralyzing doubt.
Certainly, there are women who share these core beliefs, women who rarely seem to question themselves, who walk into a room expecting to own it and view themselves as unquestionably marked for success. But this is not always or even usually the case. Even high-achieving women often have to fight to maintain their confidence. They have to goad themselves into declaring what they’re good at or remind themselves why they deserve a seat at the big table. They may read self-help books aimed at instilling confidence, or listen to tapes while driving. They may practice positive affirmations (“I am bound to be successful in this endeavor!”). They may act “as if” and try to fake it till they make it.
Even at the highest levels, overconfidence is rarely a major female failing.
Our experience suggests that a different set of core beliefs often operate for women. These beliefs lie at the heart of their resistance, providing a rationale for behaviors that keep women stuck.
Belief #1: Ambition is a Bad Thing
High profile women who seek to rise are routinely criticized as being “too ambitious.” This is most notably true of female politicians. But it’s also true of women in business, non-profits, associations or partnership firms who actively and openly seek their own advancement. You’ll even hear the criticism leveled at a woman who is trying to position herself to lead a volunteer effort.
What does “too ambitious” even mean? It seems to mean that any woman who is ambitious is unseemly, over-the-top, too nakedly self-interested to be trusted. Men are often described as ambitious, of course, but rarely with the qualifier too. It seems only to apply to ambitious women. So it’s not surprising that even very successful women are often reluctant to describe themselves as ambitious.
Psychiatrist Anna Fels, who works with some of New York’s top women in finance and law, noticed this reluctance when researching her book, Necessary Dreams: Ambition in Women’s Changing Lives. So she asked some of her clients what associations came to mind when they thought about ambitious women. The most common words they used were egotism, selfishness, self-aggrandizement and the manipulation of others for one’s own ends. Given how they defined it, it’s not surprising that even top achievers insisted to Fels that they were “just not ambitious.”
Sally saw a similar reluctance when working with Janie, a senior partner in one of the world’s biggest law firms and head of its $600 million securities practice. Now in her early forties, Janie had joined her firm immediately after graduating near the top of her class at Harvard Law School. She was named partner a little later in her career than some of her cohorts, but thanks to strong mentors and outstanding performance, she rose quickly into the senior ranks.
Despite literally being one of the most successful female lawyers on the planet, Janie informed Sally within minutes of their meeting that she does not consider herself ambitious. “I’m driven, yes,” she said, “but it’s not the same. I think of ambition as being like a politician who knows from the time he’s a kid what he wants to be so lives his entire life in that mold.” She named a well-known US senator who was a member of her Harvard class. “He was super-ambitious and acted like a politician from the day he arrived at school. Every relationship, every course was chosen for the purpose of promoting his future career.”
Janie sees herself as very different. “I came to this firm because I thought it would be a great place to start my career, not because I saw myself as a partner. I ended up staying because I love the work and because I love the feedback I get for my work. I’ve always been motivated by good feedback. That’s why I got good grades in school. It’s the same here: I enjoy pleasing the client, the judge or the partner in charge. That’s basically been my motivation.”
Clearly, Janie views ambition through a negative lens. She doesn’t want to be associated with the word, even though one might think that climbing to the top of a major global law firm would both require and give proof of ambition.
Janie also associates ambition with being focused solely on positional power, which she says does not motivate her. “My work at the firm has never been about position. I’m here because I find the work satisfying and enjoy the challenge.” Her attitude reflects the research cited in Chapter 2 showing that women tend to be more engaged by a high quality work experience and the belief that they are having an impact than by the abstract measures of position and rank.
Yet it’s striking the extent to which women allow ambition to be defined for them. There’s no reason that aspiring to have satisfying work and make a difference in the world cannot be a form of ambition, no reason ambition must automatically be viewed as arrogant, self-centered or untrustworthy. Ambition might more usefully be defined as the desire to maximize your talents in the service of work you find worthwhile and rewarding. Choosing to believe otherwise, or make negative judgments about ambition, can become a way to rationalize resistance.
What does “too ambitious” even mean? It seems to mean that any woman who is ambitious is unseemly, over-the-top, too nakedly self-interested to be trusted. Men are often described as ambitious, of course, but rarely with the qualifier too. It seems only to apply to ambitious women. So it’s not surprising that even very successful women are often reluctant to describe themselves as ambitious.
Psychiatrist Anna Fels, who works with some of New York’s top women in finance and law, noticed this reluctance when researching her book, Necessary Dreams: Ambition in Women’s Changing Lives. So she asked some of her clients what associations came to mind when they thought about ambitious women. The most common words they used were egotism, selfishness, self-aggrandizement and the manipulation of others for one’s own ends. Given how they defined it, it’s not surprising that even top achievers insisted to Fels that they were “just not ambitious.”
Sally saw a similar reluctance when working with Janie, a senior partner in one of the world’s biggest law firms and head of its $600 million securities practice. Now in her early forties, Janie had joined her firm immediately after graduating near the top of her class at Harvard Law School. She was named partner a little later in her career than some of her cohorts, but thanks to strong mentors and outstanding performance, she rose quickly into the senior ranks.
Despite literally being one of the most successful female lawyers on the planet, Janie informed Sally within minutes of their meeting that she does not consider herself ambitious. “I’m driven, yes,” she said, “but it’s not the same. I think of ambition as being like a politician who knows from the time he’s a kid what he wants to be so lives his entire life in that mold.” She named a well-known US senator who was a member of her Harvard class. “He was super-ambitious and acted like a politician from the day he arrived at school. Every relationship, every course was chosen for the purpose of promoting his future career.”
Janie sees herself as very different. “I came to this firm because I thought it would be a great place to start my career, not because I saw myself as a partner. I ended up staying because I love the work and because I love the feedback I get for my work. I’ve always been motivated by good feedback. That’s why I got good grades in school. It’s the same here: I enjoy pleasing the client, the judge or the partner in charge. That’s basically been my motivation.”
Clearly, Janie views ambition through a negative lens. She doesn’t want to be associated with the word, even though one might think that climbing to the top of a major global law firm would both require and give proof of ambition.
Janie also associates ambition with being focused solely on positional power, which she says does not motivate her. “My work at the firm has never been about position. I’m here because I find the work satisfying and enjoy the challenge.” Her attitude reflects the research cited in Chapter 2 showing that women tend to be more engaged by a high quality work experience and the belief that they are having an impact than by the abstract measures of position and rank.
Yet it’s striking the extent to which women allow ambition to be defined for them. There’s no reason that aspiring to have satisfying work and make a difference in the world cannot be a form of ambition, no reason ambition must automatically be viewed as arrogant, self-centered or untrustworthy. Ambition might more usefully be defined as the desire to maximize your talents in the service of work you find worthwhile and rewarding. Choosing to believe otherwise, or make negative judgments about ambition, can become a way to rationalize resistance.
Belief #2: Being a Good Person Means Not Disappointing Others
Many women we work with are deeply invested in being wonderful people. This is a great thing and helps make the world a better place. But this desire can work against you if it is allied with a belief that being wonderful means never disappointing others. We already saw this with Carrie, the junior law partner who stuck with a time-consuming commitment that undermined her effectiveness because she was reluctant to disappoint a casual colleague–– a colleague who volunteered her for a role he preferred to avoid.
Marshall worked with consultant who was beloved throughout her firm and industry. She was known among colleagues and clients as “the wonderful Lina.” Other firms had tried to hire her, but she refused to consider any offer because she did not want to break up her team. In part, this was savvy: she knew her success benefitted from the work of those she had nurtured. She did not imagine that what she had achieved could be duplicated in any circumstance simply because of her own brilliance, as some of her peers clearly did.
Finally, a competing firm made an offer for Lina and her entire team, with a contract that gave her unprecedented latitude and support. She was thrilled, but when she approached her team, several members were reluctant to move for personal reasons. They also expressed disappointment that she would consider leaving a practice that had been so good to her.
This pushback was deeply upsetting to Lina. She began thinking about all the mentors, sponsors and senior leaders in her firm who had gone out of their way for her over the years. How would they react to her leaving? Would they view her as ungrateful? And how could she still be “the wonderful Lina” if she not only bailed on her colleagues but took part of her team along with her?
After a lot of angst, she decided to turn down the offer down. There were some good reasons for doing so. But her desire not to disappoint people in order to maintain her self-image as a wonderful person got in the way of her ability to objectively analyze the pros and cons of the offer. Her inability to separate her own interests from the expectations of others had become for her a form of resistance.
Marshall worked with consultant who was beloved throughout her firm and industry. She was known among colleagues and clients as “the wonderful Lina.” Other firms had tried to hire her, but she refused to consider any offer because she did not want to break up her team. In part, this was savvy: she knew her success benefitted from the work of those she had nurtured. She did not imagine that what she had achieved could be duplicated in any circumstance simply because of her own brilliance, as some of her peers clearly did.
Finally, a competing firm made an offer for Lina and her entire team, with a contract that gave her unprecedented latitude and support. She was thrilled, but when she approached her team, several members were reluctant to move for personal reasons. They also expressed disappointment that she would consider leaving a practice that had been so good to her.
This pushback was deeply upsetting to Lina. She began thinking about all the mentors, sponsors and senior leaders in her firm who had gone out of their way for her over the years. How would they react to her leaving? Would they view her as ungrateful? And how could she still be “the wonderful Lina” if she not only bailed on her colleagues but took part of her team along with her?
After a lot of angst, she decided to turn down the offer down. There were some good reasons for doing so. But her desire not to disappoint people in order to maintain her self-image as a wonderful person got in the way of her ability to objectively analyze the pros and cons of the offer. Her inability to separate her own interests from the expectations of others had become for her a form of resistance.
Belief #3: Women Should always be Role Models for Other Women
Melissa Mayer was still CEO of Yahoo when she became pregnant with twin girls. Although she had led a revamp of the company’s parental leave policies to be far more generous, she announced that she would be taking limited time off for the births and working throughout.
Her decision caused a storm of protest, the primary criticism being that Mayer was failing to serve as a role model, not only for her own employees but, as one press commentator put it, “for women everywhere.” Another critic lamented, “What kind of message does it send? She’s really setting back what all women have worked for. When you’re at her level, there’s no such thing as a personal decision because other women are looking to you for guidance.”
The idea that high profile women do not get to make their own life choices without first considering the potential impact upon all other women is a pernicious trap. Being successful at a demanding job while trying to maintain a rewarding personal life is tough enough for anyone in today’s demanding work culture. Expecting women to also calculate their choices based on how others will interpret them adds an extra burden. It’s certainly not a burden men are expected to bear.
Yet women often find their decisions and setbacks scrutinized through the role model lens. This can become a source of shame and guilt for women, while also setting women against one another. The burden is particularly intense for minority women, who are often expected to carry the aspirations of their entire ethnic group on their shoulders. If you find yourself bound by such expectations, it may be time to plot your escape from role model hell. Holding it as a core belief can undermine you. Which, when you think about it, doesn’t do other women any favor.
The beliefs described above all have their root in society’s expectation that women should put the needs of others ahead of their own. This expectation begins early. In general, girls are rewarded for being thoughtful and obedient while boys are given more latitude. Both men and women carry this legacy into the workplace. While altering societal attitudes will take decades, you can in the meantime benefit from considering whether you have internalized beliefs and expectations that seem almost designed to hold you back.
Author Bios
Her decision caused a storm of protest, the primary criticism being that Mayer was failing to serve as a role model, not only for her own employees but, as one press commentator put it, “for women everywhere.” Another critic lamented, “What kind of message does it send? She’s really setting back what all women have worked for. When you’re at her level, there’s no such thing as a personal decision because other women are looking to you for guidance.”
The idea that high profile women do not get to make their own life choices without first considering the potential impact upon all other women is a pernicious trap. Being successful at a demanding job while trying to maintain a rewarding personal life is tough enough for anyone in today’s demanding work culture. Expecting women to also calculate their choices based on how others will interpret them adds an extra burden. It’s certainly not a burden men are expected to bear.
Yet women often find their decisions and setbacks scrutinized through the role model lens. This can become a source of shame and guilt for women, while also setting women against one another. The burden is particularly intense for minority women, who are often expected to carry the aspirations of their entire ethnic group on their shoulders. If you find yourself bound by such expectations, it may be time to plot your escape from role model hell. Holding it as a core belief can undermine you. Which, when you think about it, doesn’t do other women any favor.
The beliefs described above all have their root in society’s expectation that women should put the needs of others ahead of their own. This expectation begins early. In general, girls are rewarded for being thoughtful and obedient while boys are given more latitude. Both men and women carry this legacy into the workplace. While altering societal attitudes will take decades, you can in the meantime benefit from considering whether you have internalized beliefs and expectations that seem almost designed to hold you back.
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Do you think being successful at a demanding job while trying to maintain a rewarding personal life is tough for a woman? https://web.hr.com/20t7p
Author Bios
| Dr. Marshall Goldsmith is the author or editor of 36 books, which have sold over 2.5 million copies, been translated into 32 languages and become listed bestsellers in 12 countries. His three New York Times bestsellers are Triggers, MOJO and What Got You Here Won’t Get You There - the Harold Longman Award winner for Business Book of the Year. In 2016, Amazon.com recognized the ‘100 Best Leadership & Success Books’ ever written in its To Read in Your Lifetime series. The list included classics and newer books - management and self-help books. Both Triggers and What Got You Here Won’t Get You There were recognized as being in the top 100 books ever written in their field. Marshall is only one of two authors with two books on the list. Dr. Goldsmith was recently chosen as the inaugural winner of the Lifetime Achievement Award by the Harvard Institute of Coaching. He is the only two-time Thinkers 50 #1 Leadership Thinker in the World. He has been ranked as the World’s #1 Executive Coach and Top Ten Business Thinker the past eight years. Visit www.MarshallGoldsmith.com |
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| Sally Helgesen’s most recent book, How Women Rise, co-authored with legendary executive coach Marshall Goldsmith, examines the behaviors most likely to get in the way of successful women. As an author, speaker and consultant, Sally has been identified by Forbes as the world’s premier expert on women’s leadership and was named by Leadership Excellence magazine as one of the top 50 authorities on leadership. In addition to delivering leadership programs to organizations around the globe, Sally has consulted with the UN on building more inclusive country offices in Africa and Asia, led seminars at the Harvard Graduate School of Education and Smith College, and been visiting scholar at Northwestern University, UNordic Stockholm and the Lauriston Institute in Melbourne AU. She is a contributing editor for Strategy+Business magazine and a member of the International Women’s Forum. Visit https://sallyhelgesen.com Follow @SallyHelgesen Connect Sally Helgesen |
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