After serving in the Marine Corps, I scored jobs with such companies as Atari, Motorola and Yahoo! by sufficiently answering behavioral interview questions. Transitioning to the civilian world was tough for me. I found it difficult to let go of all that military “squareness,” you know—the jargon, the formality, the “check your gig line” habits, the service culture that requires instant compliance. 

Fortunately, I had some talented managers along the way who cared about me, mentored me and showed me the ropes. I learned that while bosses are usually well intentioned, they seldom have the time or inclination to provide in depth, on the job coaching to either new hires or experienced employees. They expect their people to perform autonomously, flawlessly and immediately. Business runs at the speed of now!

What Bosses Want You to Know

Here’s what bosses want you to know, but most often don’t have time to tell you.

1. Attitude matters: Bosses hate whiners—people who bitch and moan about their workload, the lousy coffee or the loudmouth in the adjoining cube. As veterans, we know better than most how attitude affects the team—and ultimately the success of the unit. Being positive is contagious and marks you as winner, not a whiner.

2. Style counts: We instinctively categorize bosses by their behavioral styles—what they say and do. Are they aggressive and competitive, or cautious and reflective? Are they deliberative and analytical, or enthusiastic and inspiring? Is their office decorated with sports memorabilia, framed diplomas and awards, or family photos? Are they warm and welcoming, or reserved and aloof? As Yogi Berra once said, “You can see a lot by looking!”

While you’re no therapist, you’re smart and savvy enough to identify your boss’s dominant behavioral style. Then you can adjust your approach to communicate in your boss’s preferred style. Once you’re aware of their primary communications style, you’ll be speaking the same language and getting lots more attention.

3. Disagree agreeably: You’ve learned to speak your mind candidly and spontaneously, so it’s likely that at some point you’ll cross swords with your boss. The key is to disagree agreeably—to air your opinions tactfully while respecting theirs. Your truth may differ, so you’ll need to be constructive, not dismissive. Here’s where listening generously pays off!

Contrast these conversations: 

“This new vendor management system that Finance is forcing on us is cumbersome, confusing, and frustrating. It’s a pain in the butt and just plain stupid—a total waste of time.”
Or…
“I‘m struggling with the new vendor management system—it seems cumbersome and I suspect it will delay our key projects. It would help if we could meet with the implementation team to air our concerns and sort out the issues. What do you think?”

4. Don’t wait to ask for help: Bosses will be blind to your struggles unless you sound off. It’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help when you need it. The phrase, “Boss, I could use a little coaching on this new customer relationship management software. When can we get together?” makes it safe to partner with your boss to resolve a real issue.

So, ask for help when you need it. You’re not going to get by with just your charm and good looks anymore!

5. Rein in your emotions:  Especially if you have a quick temper! This is tougher than it sounds. We all have feelings and it’s sometimes hard to suppress them.” Don’t, repeat don’t, let your emotions or your ego get in the way of your good judgment. Venting may feel therapeutic, but it can also be toxic, making for an unhealthy workplace environment. No one enjoys being around volatile colleagues. 

Before you explode at a co-worker who has cc’d everyone on an email critique of your proposal, grab a cup of coffee and think through your options. “Let’s talk about this—I want to understand your thinking on my proposal,” might be a better choice than, “Thanks for stabbing me in the back!”

6. Ask for feedback:  Feedback is a major driver of performance—people want to know how they’re doing and what they have to do to get better. You’ll need it if you want to progress in your career. Chances are your boss will be reluctant to deliver feedback—bosses are busy and likely to delay or avoid feedback discussions until there’s a critical incident; aka, a screw-up. So give your boss an offer he can’t resist—a chance to give you feedback. 

“I want to make sure I’m meeting your expectations. Let’s talk about how I’m progressing—I want to hear your suggestions on what I could be doing better.””

7. The boss can’t remember everything you do:  So you have to tell him! Your boss has no time to constantly monitor your performance unless you’re dropping the ball, missing deadlines, or delivering substandard results. When that happens, get ready to be micromanaged—not a pleasant prospect.

Schedule a short check in. Update him using that trusted PAR technique  problem, action, result—that you learned in the webinar on behavioral interviewing skills. 

“Boss, I want to keep you in the loop on the risk assessment implementation. Here’s a summary of the problems I’ve faced, the actions I’ve taken to solve them, and the results I’ve achieved.”

8. Don’t try to suck up! This seems obvious and most bosses hate it. They realize that flattery, currying favor and effusive compliments often mask poor performance, so if you’re looking for some recognition, show how your contributions make the team look good. If you want to compliment your boss, simply tell him you appreciate his support. 

The Takeaway

• Boss’s are imperfect human beings! Many people assume that boss’s are oracles—they have all knowledge, wisdom and resources at the ready and magically know when to provide them. Bosses, like everyone else, are idiosyncratic and fallible. They don’t have unlimited time, encyclopedic knowledge, or extrasensory perception; nor are they the evil empire. They’re just people. Who knew!

• Boss’s often assume that you know exactly what you need to do your job.  The truth is they assume incorrectly. Don’t be shy about asking for the information, connections and resources you need to succeed. Your boss will respect your candor—it will make you more productive while boosting the team’s overall performance. And your boss will look good in the process. 

• You owe your manager your best efforts; your manager owes you clarity, communication and feedback. Working together toward shared goals can be the start of a beautiful relationship!