If people only talked to each other, most of the conflict in the workplace would

disappear. Instead, it seems when we are wounded by someone or disagree with

something they've done we end up talking to everyone except the person who's directly

involved. We wander down the hall and talk to a co-worker...mention it to our lunch

buddies...complain about it to our spouse. We spread the negative poison around the

organization, drag unwitting coworkers into the fray, sully reputations and, in the end,

erode the trust that comes from open, honest, face-to- face communication.

Where did we ever get the idea that confronting someone face-to- face had to be such a

horrible encounter? Are we all so worried about being "nice" that we've opted for being

spineless? And when did we get confused about the perils of telling people the truth?

What about the perils of not telling them the truth? Our organizations are paying a big

price for this "smile to your face/behind your back" communication style. It's costing

millions in wasted time and lost productivity in addition to a human price in broken trust

and lost respect.

Now don't get me wrong...I'm not advocating brutal honesty and confrontation that strips

away self-esteem and dignity. I'm talking about the respectful, caring communication

that says, "I care about our relationship. Something's bothering me and I thought it was

important to talk to you about it directly so we could reach an understanding."

I think most people are afraid. They're afraid of hurting someone's feelings. They're

afraid of sounding "negative" or "making waves." They're afraid of the backlash that can

come from a conflict that escalates into a fight. They're afraid of de-motivating their

employees. They're afraid of not being liked. They're afraid of collecting political

baggage. They're afraid of not getting ahead or losing their job.

If you're guilty of side-talk instead of straight-talk here are some behaviors that can help:

Use the "best intentions" approach.

Most people don't intentionally wake up in the morning and think to themselves, "I'm

going to really hurt her feelings today!" Most people have the very best intentions. But

it's those good intentions that keep getting us into trouble because other's don't know

our intentions...they only judge our actions.

When approaching another person about a conflict say, "I'm sure you had good

intentions when you...but let me tell you how it looked from my perspective..." Rather

than waving the finger of blame in someone else's face, just talk about the affect it had

on you.

Use the "I'm just getting your advice" approach sparingly.

A lot of damage can be done by going to person after person "seeking advice" about

how to handle a conflict situation. It can become a way to see how many people are on

your side. It can also be a sneaky way of poisoning the well for the other person;

everyone's heard your "side" and so the other person suffers political blows no matter

what the outcome.

Start by looking for things for which you should take responsibility.

The beauty of opening any conflict resolution session with self-disclosure is that you

bring the other person's defenses down immediately and problem solving can occur.

Be as open and honest as you can, while preserving their self-respect and

dignity.

This is the very heart and soul of building trust. Sugar-coating your message or

smoothing over the seriousness only destroys trust. If you respect the other person and

want to remove barriers that are getting in the way, the only way to build trust is to be

open, honest and straightforward. But in order to preserve the relationship you must let

people maintain their dignity and save face.

Does this sound pretty basic? You bet. It also is just plain good common sense...but

common sense isn't so common...we all have to work at it.

Joan Lloyd is a Milwaukee-based executive coach, organizational & leadership

development strategist. She has a proven track record spanning more than 20 years,

and is known for her ability to help leaders and their teams achieve measurable, lasting

improvements. Email your question to Joan at info@joanlloyd.com and visit

www.JoanLloyd.com to search an archive of more than 1600 of Joan’s articles. Contact

Joan Lloyd & Associates (414) 354-9500. ©Joan Lloyd & Associates, Inc.