Joan Lloyd

Joanne knew she her boss was nervous, even though he didn’t say a word.

Peter instantly saw that his peer was defensive, even though most people in the room

didn’t recognize anything different.

The reason Joanne and Peter were able to read the reactions of their colleagues is

because they knew how to read their “tells.”  A tell is a gesture or mannerism that

someone uses frequently and predictably. Most of the time, they don’t even know they

are doing it…but if you know what to watch for, you will have an advantage in any

conversation with them.

For example,

 One of my female colleagues picks up a piece of hair and bends it in a specific

way, whenever she is tense or uncomfortable.

 Another colleague’s voice goes up to a high pitch when she is pushing her idea.

 A client of mine laces his fingers together and puts them behind his head and

spreads his elbows, whenever he feels challenged, or disagrees with something

being said.

 A friend of mine flexes her arm and hand in a certain way—almost like a

spasm—when she is feels judged, or is trying to get others to agree with her.

 A friend taps his toes or fingers when he is bored or restless.

 Another friend’s ears get red when he is embarrassed or irritated.

 A female colleague flushes pink on her neck and chest, and looks down, when

she disagrees.

 I pick my cuticles when I am impatient with someone.  

So, what is your tell? If you don’t know, ask the people who know you best. In fact, ask

them to describe your other body language habits, while you’re at it. For example, many

years ago I was in my boss’ office describing something important. He was reserved by

nature and somewhat introverted, while I am an unabashed extrovert. I noticed his eyes

and head were moving as I spoke. It dawned on me that he was watching my hands

gesture wildly as I described the scenario! From then on, I tried to make it a point to

hold my hands in my lap—and I assure you it wasn’t easy.

Another example of a body language habit comes from a colleague who tends to talk

with his eyes closed when he is thinking about what he is saying. It goes on for

prolonged periods and it feels odd to his companions. A different person looks away for

long periods and doesn’t make eye contact. Someone else I know coughs (a short fake-

sounding cough) whenever he reads something out loud (a hold-over, he says, from the

embarrassment he suffered as a kid, when he had to read in front of the class).

There are other body language cues that come out when we are nervous or feel under a

spotlight. For example, when I coach leaders in presentation skills, I often see defensive

body positions. Because public speaking is stressful and makes many people feel

exposed and vulnerable, they reflexively protect their most intimate body parts. Men will

sometimes use the “fig leaf” pose, with hands in front of their body, while women will

glue their elbows down along their sides and gesture in front of their chests. It’s also

why so many people prefer standing behind a podium. Of course, they would never do

this in a normal conversation and don’t even realize they are doing it in front of a group.

Have I sparked your curiosity? For the next few days, pay attention to not only what is

being said but what their body is doing. Watch your boss, your spouse, your children

and friends. They are the most important people in your life and they make wonderful

subjects to study. Your skills will improve over time and will give you an advantage in

your communications with them. It will trigger you to be more empathetic, help you to

stop and probe for unspoken disagreement, and make you realize when to back off…all

good moves that will help you be a savvier communicator.

Joan Lloyd is a Milwaukee-based executive coach, organizational & leadership

development strategist. She has a proven track record spanning more than 20 years,

and is known for her ability to help leaders and their teams achieve measurable, lasting

improvements. Email your question to Joan at info@joanlloyd.com and visit

www.JoanLloyd.com to search an archive of more than 1600 of Joan’s articles. Contact

Joan Lloyd & Associates (414) 354-9500. ©Joan Lloyd & Associates, Inc.