Is it just me, or is there more selfish, insensitive and downright mean behavior at work these days? When did we cross the line from honesty to cruelty? When did we evolve from "I’m okay, you’re okay," to "I’m okay and who cares about you?"
 
 
 
In some workplaces today, employees don their emotional bulletproof vests to prepare themselves for the psychological battle they will endure that day. Managers can be the worst offenders, since their employees are at a political disadvantage if they want to stand up for themselves. Heavy workloads and more stress are probably the culprit but certainly no excuse.
 
 
 
Here’s the irony: this is emerging at the same time employers are launching all out recruiting and retention campaigns to keep their best employees happy and content. In some cases, these minefields of caustic behavior are causing people to walk out the back door faster than they can get them through the lobby.
 
 
 
Here are some of the nasty things I’m seeing from managers and co-workers, and what to do about them:
 
 
Sarcastic comments.
 
Sarcasm can be a hoot at work but when it turns into a veiled barb, it’s crossed the line. The attacker can hide behind his words with a thin smile, "I was only kidding. Can’t you take a joke?" Meanwhile everyone in the room is squirming. The victim of the sarcasm has been publicly skewered and can only lose: he looks defensive if he’s offended and he looks weak if he’s the regular punching bag.
 
 
 
Approach: Public counterattacks can backfire and are tricky to pull off. Instead, pull the peer aside after the meeting and say, "Jack, from your comment in the meeting, you seem to have an issue with the way I’ve handled the Anderson account. I’d like to hear what your concerns are." After his feedback, say, "I appreciate your honesty. In the future, I’d prefer a similar discussion between the two of us, rather than a comment in a meeting."
 
 
The stealth bomber.
 
Sometimes everyone in the department knows about Jeff’s problem except Jeff. Co-workers gossip about him on their breaks. The manager has had a stream of complaints and ends up commiserating with other employees about Jeff’s problems.
 
 
 
Approach: Develop a conflict protocol in your department. The expectation is that anyone who has an issue with someone else is expected to go directly to that person first. When the supervisor receives complaints, he or she should coach the complainer to go and talk with the person first before the manager gets involved. The goal is to encourage everyone to take responsibility for the situation instead of playing high school games.
 
 
Condescending comments.
 
I’ve heard about comments that could curdle fresh milk. "Do I have to do your job for you?" "Last time I checked, I was the department manager and you were just a secretary."
 
 
 
Approach: Stand up for yourself if you are the victim of blatant disrespect. "If you have a concern I’ll be happy to discuss it but not if you use that tone."
 
 
Screaming and temper tantrums.
 
Managers and co-workers who yell and throw things often dismiss the ripple affect it has. Their way of dealing with a frustration is to get it out of their system…never mind the fact that they have now passed their stress to everyone around them. Sister symptoms are door slamming, sulking and huffing around the office. And if the rage is directed at you, it can be demoralizing and devastating.
 
 
 
Approach: In the middle of the storm, either walk away or tell the person you’ll talk with them when they’ve calmed down. In a calmer moment give some advice. Use this model: 1. Describe what they are doing. 2. Say how it is affecting them/you. 3. State what you would prefer. ("When you yell and start blaming me, it makes me just shut down and get angry with you, instead of directing my attention to solving the problem. And because I’m worried about your reaction on things, I don’t always tell you when a problem is brewing, which makes it worse. I’d prefer it if you would state the problem and wait to hear what I have to say and then let me figure out how to fix it.")
 
 
My life is more important than your life.
 
You see it everywhere. "I’m going to call in sick. So what if someone else has to cover for me?" "I have to leave early [again] to do something at my son’s school. Sally can finish this project…she’s single and doesn’t have any family obligations."
 
 
 
Approach: Self-centered people fail to see themselves from other angles. Explain it by putting them in other peoples’ shoes. "If you were Sally, how would you feel if you had to stay late without warning each week to cover for a co-worker? Whether it’s for a child, elderly parent or just an aerobics class…it’s not fair to assume your life is more important than hers."
 
 
 
If everyone practices a little more civility at work, it can reduce the stress for all of us.
 
 

Joan Lloyd is a Milwaukee-based executive coach, organizational & leadership development strategist.  She has a proven track record spanning more than 20 years, and is known for her ability to help leaders and their teams achieve measurable, lasting improvements.  Email your question to Joan at info@joanlloyd.com<mailto:info@joanlloyd.com> and visit www.JoanLloyd.com<http://www.joanlloyd.com/> to search an archive of more than 1500 of Joan’s articles. Contact Joan Lloyd & Associates (414) 354-9500. ©Joan Lloyd & Associates, Inc.