The extraordinary reader response to my essay/eulogy, “Requiem for a ‘Last Angry Man,’” about my father’s death and our complex, ebbing and flowing father-son conflicts and courageous connections (Click here: Stress Doc: Notes from a Motivational Psychohumorist ™: A Requiem for a “Last Angry Man”: A Son's Eulogy or http://www-stressdoc-com.blogspot.com/2011/07/requiem-for-last-angry-man-sons-eulogy.html ) makes me believe that many folks are grappling with, consciously or not: a) unfinished grieving for a deceased parent and b) anticipatory grieving for an elderly or infirm parent. I’m also convinced that this psychological dynamic is compounded when a person or organization is caught in a web of present day change and uncertainty. Individual and group perception, motivation and performance are often adversely affected.

I will be developing a program to help organizational personnel – individually and collectively – deal with unfinished grieving. This powerful emotional process may be triggered by the passing of a significant family member, the break-up of a relationship, or with the loss of a former company head due to retirement or through downsizing and regime change. Look for an email shortly. Or feel free to email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567 with any questions.

The Murray Story: Encouraging Connection through Conflict

For now, consider this story of Murray, a middle-aged salesman with a mid-sized company in New York City. (FYI, having lost his parents as a young child, Murray was raised in an orphanage. Murray had always been a fighter, e.g., a SGT who fought overseas in WWII, and despite the passing of decades, I believe his reactions below were fueled by more than just challenging present circumstances.) My parents' friends, Murray and Lorraine, were visiting when I happened by. An experienced and successful salesman, Murray was fuming. The old company president had recently retired and put his abrasive, domineering son-in-law in charge. Murray, a classic "Type A" competitor, wasn't taking orders from anyone, especially from "some jerk" half his age.

After listening to Murray's harangue, the young boss seemed inexperienced and anxious. I suggested Murray tell him that, "I miss the old man, and while I'm not always crazy about your leadership style, I must admit you're keeping me sharp." Murray, of course, exploded: "Forget it. I wanna murder this kid. I'm not doing anything that gets him one up on me!"

Two weeks later, again at my folks’ place, I bumped into Murray. He was still quite disgruntled. This time, Murray dismissed me with a growl and a backhanded sweep when I recalled my strategy. Two weeks went by when Murray's wife unexpectedly called: "Mark, you won't believe this. Murray finally did what you suggested... and it worked." Not only had the young boss eased up on Murray, but he put Murray in charge on long-range planning and sales. (Lorraine shared that Murray, before the overture, had grown increasingly depressed. I can just imagine Lorraine saying, "Enough already," and threatening Murray with eviction if he didn't do something.)

Why did the Murray gambit work? Let's analyze this conflict resolution process:

Need To Grieve
In order to let go temporarily of his dominance-submission mindset, Murray had to release his rage then, ironically, "hit bottom." Murray was still grieving the company changes and likely displacing some anger for the departed "old man" onto "this kid." (And of course, Murray had lost more than one “old man” during his lifetime.) Until one is at a loss and in sufficient pain, new approaches are often rejected. Cumulative pressure can be an ally; so too Lorraine's dose of reality.

Play Up Or Open UP
Did Murray play up to the new boss! While initially feeling humiliated, I say Murray took the high road. First, he did express genuine frustration with the changing-of-the-company-guard. And, while Murray fell more wounded than "sharp," by cutting the "win/lost" cord the real challenge and opportunity was unleashed: transforming Murray from cider salesman to company statesman.

Position Vs. Interest
Initially, these ego-driven men were trapped in their self-defeating power positions. Each was depriving not just the other, but themselves. Clearly, this inexperienced boss needed an ally with historical perspective and the big picture.

It was in his interest to rely on Murray. It was also in Murray's interest to provide mixed feedback that could be received as a begrudging (hence more believable) compliment. Recognition helped defuse youthful anxiety and aggression. And, Murray's initiative was certainly paid back with "interest." Finally, while Murray would not admit it, I'm sure he enjoyed the role of mentor - a one-up position.

No need to worry about this process fundamentally changing Murray. When I saw him again, and mentioned hearing that things were better at work, Murray didn't give an inch. His only reply: "Yeah, the jerk's finally off my back!"

Seek the higher power of Stress Doc humor: May the Farce Be with You!

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is an acclaimed keynote & kickoff speaker, webinar presenter, as well as "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication Catalyst" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both government agencies and major corporations. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant. He is providing "Stress and Communication, as well as Managing Change, Leadership and Team Building" programs for the 1st Cavalry Division and 13th Expeditionary Support Command, Ft. Hood, Texas and for Army Community Services and Family Advocacy Programs at Ft. Meade, MD and Ft. Belvoir, VA as well as Andrews Air Force Base/Behavioral Medicine Services. Mark has also rotated as a Military & Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at Ft. Campbell, KY. A former Stress and Violence Prevention Consultant for the US Postal Service, The Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW
The Stress Doc ™

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