Patricia Wheeler

As humans, we are all prone to making missteps, errors and sometimes behaving badly. We’ve all done it, some more publicly than others. The tendency is often to lay blame on others or justify our actions, as if we can somehow shift the spotlight from our own behavior, we’ll be in the clear. We see this all too frequently with public figures, within the corporate realm and sometimes in our own teams. The problem with this strategy is that it doesn’t work. Failure to apologize not only doesn’t help the problem, it makes it more likely that the offended party or parties becomes even more offended.

Think about it….have the people that caused the financial crisis fully apologized?

As my colleague Mark Goulston says, “To err is human. To take full responsibility, face it and pay all the consequence is divine.” So if apologies are so good, why don’t we offer them more often? Simply put, because we feel that apologies are risky. We may worry that if we apologize, we’ll lose face, lose credibility, jeopardize our job or even be sued…..therefore it may somehow feel safer to point the finger toward someone or something else.

Here’s a case study…the most impactful apology I’ve ever received.

Several years ago my mother experienced stomach pains. Her physician, one of the best specialists in the city, ordered the usual tests and treated her with medication. The pains continued; she returned to his office and surgery was recommended, which she had. After discharge the pains recurred, stronger than ever; she was rushed to the emergency room, where it was determined that her physician had initially misdiagnosed her. She had further surgery; unfortunately she was unable to withstand the stress of two surgeries, fell into a coma and died several days later. Several days after her second surgery, her physician approached me, almost tearfully, with an apology.

“I apologize,” he said, “this is my responsibility.” He should have done one additional test, he said, requiring sedation and an invasive procedure, but he did not want to impose the pain of that procedure on her, feeling at the time that his diagnosis was correct. “I am truly sorry and I will never make that mistake again.” What struck me at the time and continues to stay with me is that this doctor was willing to take the risk of telling the whole difficult truth, and that taking responsibility for the situation was more important to him than the very real possibility of a malpractice suit. I forgave him, and I believe my mother would have as well.

Real apologies have positive impact that, in most if not all cases, outweigh the risk factors. Ask yourself, when does an apology feel heartfelt to you? When does it seem empty? Think of a time when you heard a public or corporate figure apologize and it rang true and think of a time when it didn’t. What made the difference? Here are a few guidelines:

Is it from the heart or the risk management office? If your apology reads like corporate legalese, it won’t be effective.

Is it unequivocal? Too many apologies begin with “I’m sorry, but you were at fault in this too.” An attempt to provoke the other party into apologizing or accepting fault will fail.

Is it timely? If you delay your apology, perhaps wishing that the issue would just go away (trust me, it won’t), its effect will diminish proportionately.

Does it acknowledge the injury and address the future? In other words, now that you know your words or actions have caused injury, what will you do going forward?

While we can’t avoid all errors, missteps and blind spots, we can at least avoid compounding them with empty words, blaming and justification.


Dr. Patricia Wheeler is an executive and team coach who helps smart people become more effective leaders. As Managing Partner in the Levin Group LLC, she has spent 15 years consulting to organizations and coaching senior leaders and their teams. Her work helping executives succeed in new roles is featured in The AMA Handbook of Leadership. You may contact Patricia by E-mail at Patricia@TheLevinGroup.com<mailto:Patricia@TheLevinGroup.com> or by telephone at 001.404.377.9408.