Written by Mark Murphy, CEO of Leadership IQ, a top-rated leadership development and employee survey firm. Mark Murphy is the author of the international management bestseller "Hundred Percenters." Leadership IQ's clients include the Harvard Business School, Merck, MasterCard, Volkswagen, and Microsoft.

What is a Compliment Sandwich? Well, beyond being one of the worst management techniques ever invented, it's a way of trying to criticize somebody without making them feel bad. Basically, you give somebody a compliment, then you criticize them, then close with a compliment.

Here's how the Compliment Sandwich typically works:
Decide where an employee needs to improve his/her performance and then think of something positive the employee does that relates to the situation. For instance, if tardiness is the problem, take note of how the employee does get straight to work--- once finally on the job.
Deliver that first compliment. "Hey, Jon. Already deep in your work? Wow, you just got here!"
State where you would like to see improvement. "It is almost 9:50, though; you've been late a lot recently...maybe you need to find a way to miss that morning traffic."
Then choose another positive point to remark on and complete the sandwich with the final compliment. "Oh, by the way, your car looks fantastic!"
Now, many compliment sandwiches aren't quite this ridiculous (although many are). But even if they're delivered more effectively, they all fail to accomplish what they intended; which is to offer some constructive feedback in order to improve performance.

Rosetta was having trouble motivating one of her employees, Vidia, to more closely follow company policy regarding customer service. There were a lot of things about Vidia's performance that were outstanding, so Rosetta didn't want to chase her away with negative feedback. She decided the best method was to soften the criticism by cushioning it with a few compliments. That way she figured she could help Vidia correct her mistakes while still reinforcing her strengths that were a value to the company.

She pulled Vidia aside and said, "I wanted to tell you what a great job you did dealing with that difficult customer last week. Even though she was visibly upset, you kept your cool and helped her resolve the problem. Satisfied customers are what we are here to create. I did notice you arguing with another customer this afternoon though, and that isn't so good. But again, last week, you were right on target."

Vidia returned to the selling floor and Rosetta was hopeful that her message had been received. Her goal had been to soften the blow of the criticism with the good feeling that comes with positive reinforcement, but to still let Vidia know she needed to improve. Vidia's coworkers were on her in an instant; curious about what had just gone down with Rosetta. "Oh, it was nothing bad," Vidia told them. "Remember that crazy customer I had last week? I guess Rosetta is happy I didn't flip out on her or anything. I don't know. I'm not really sure what she wanted. I guess she was just trying to tell me I'm doing a good job."

Rosetta struck out on both counts by using a Compliment Sandwich. Her positive message was received, but it was clouded by the negative feedback layered in the middle. As for the constructive criticism, it wasn't heard at all. If anything, Vidia got a slight boost that her performance was good, but the negative behavior remained untouched.

Don't make the common mistake of trying to squeeze a negative performance critique or correction between layers of positive reinforcement. Imagine you're Frank, and your boss has just called you in for a little feedback. "Frank, you're a world-class programmer, the absolute best. You're probably the smartest guy in the department. You've been pretty nasty during our weekly meetings, and it's causing some hurt feelings. But I'm saying all this because you’re just so darn talented I want to see you really flourish."

What did you hear? If I'm Frank, I just heard:

"I'm great, I'm smart" waa waa waa waa "I'm great, I'm smart"

Frank heard some compliments, then Charlie Brown's teacher, then some more compliments. But he certainly didn't hear anything about his job being in jeopardy or even that his performance is anything other than great.

Not only is this message completely disingenuous, but no one remembers what happens in the middle. Imagine for a moment that you and two of your coworkers have each been given the opportunity to present a project before the board. Based upon the presentations, only one project will be chosen for funding. Are you going to want to speak first, second or third? Most people opt for the third or first slot, and do anything to avoid the dreaded middle position. Don't allow your message to become the ignored middle child. Get it out there in plain sight, because if your message isn't being heard, you aren't doing anything to resolve the problem.

So what do we do to deliver feedback that gets heard? Blatant candor (“Frank, you’re attitude has been lousy and it has to stop”) would be sweet and easy, but it often shuts down any chance of conversation and halts employee performance. You can always use a Softening Statement: one that won't mask your message. Something like, "Frank, I've got a tough message to deliver. There's no getting around it, but I want you to understand that I'm doing this out of a concern for your wellbeing; because if you don't fix this stuff, your career here is in jeopardy." This softens the blow while enforcing the message: you really need to listen to this constructive feedback.

But the most effective thing to do is to open up an honest, adult conversation that delivers the constructive feedback you need to make. No fluffy subterfuge, and no emotional brutality, just the facts delivered in a way that keeps defenses down while making it clear that while you’re there to help, change needs to happen, right now.

100% leaders follow a six-step IDEALS process that keeps defense mechanisms at bay, lets employees know how reach their Hundred Percenter potential, and expresses an urgency for change.

I: Invite them to partner: An invitation to talk rather than a “get in my office right now” command sends the message that two-way conversation will be part of the deal. This eases any apprehension the employee may have about a potential beat down from the boss. Or really go the distance and offer a choice: “does right now work for you or would you rather wait until after lunch?” The suggestion of choice indicates an element of control, which makes people feel even safer. You’re still getting your meeting, today, which means you’re still in charge. But it doesn’t seem that way to the employee.

D: Disarm yourself: Harsh words are weapons that shut down communications; as is feedback that’s laced with judgment or finger pointing. Verbally disarm yourself by verbally reassuring your people know that’s not going to happen in this conversation. This is especially important if words have sometimes gotten a bit heated in the past.

E: Eliminate blame: The goal is change, not blame. Avoid historical and emotional punishments and focus on solutions. Who really cares what happened yesterday. Isn’t today and getting it right far more important?

A: Affirm the employee’s control: The simple act of asking “Does this sound OK to you?” reassures employees that they’re a partner, not a victim. This will keep them open to hearing feedback and contributing positively to the conversation.

L: List Correct feedback: The best constructive feedback makes perfect sense, holds up to logical scrutiny, is understandable, and teaches sufficiently. So don’t skimp on details about what you want the employee to do, and always explain the all important why behind your requests.

S: Synchronize your understanding: You’ll never win buy-in with an order to “shut up and do what I say.” Get employees engaged in the process by encouraging two-way discussion. Listen as they explain their understanding of what’s supposed to happen and don’t end the conversation until you are certain everyone is on the same page.

Putting IDEALS into practice is actually far easier than constructing the subterfuge that makes a Compliment Sandwich:

“Joe, would you be willing to have a conversation with me about the missing itinerary? I’d like to review the situation to make sure I’m on the same page as you. And if we have a different perspective; which is possible, we’ll work that out and come up with a plan for the future. Does that sound OK? Great. Do you have time now or do you want to wait until after lunch?”

Once Joe agrees to partner, stick closely to the six IDEALS steps. Say only what needs to be said and don’t cave and mask the tough stuff between compliments. Likewise, avoid giving constructive feedback in the form of advice. If you phrase it as such (“If it were me, I’d get started on this right away”), you’ll strip your feedback of its authenticity. Advice offers no message of urgency or positive direction. It’s an unsolicited and usually unwelcome suggestion that sends a negative message of judgment, inflexibility, and narcissism. If you wouldn’t listen to it and obey it, why do you expect anyone else to?

By the way, if you enjoyed this article, I hope you'll join me at our teleconference next week called Giving Constructive Feedback Without Making People Angry. We'll be covering this and a whole lot more (just register soon because the spots are almost gone).

Learn more here:
http://www.leadershipiq.com/events/giving-constructive-feedback