On the first weekend in March – mostly sunny weather, briskly seasonal temperatures without the customary roaring and “marching in” mountain winds – we had our first Busy Women’s Retreat at the serene, scenic Blue Mountain Retreat Center, located in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Western Maryland (near Harpers Ferry, WV). The Blue Mountain Retreat Center is surrounded by woods on 27 acres, just one mile uphill from the Potomac and Shenandoah Rivers. About 1.5 hours from the Washington, DC Beltway, the Retreat Center makes an ideal place to relax, release and revive!

A dozen women, ages ranging perhaps from the late 20s to the 50s, participated in a mind-body mix of activities from Friday evening to Sunday noon. (I was the only male instructor; more shortly.) The opening night program menu featured cognition expanding word association as well as an insightful yet playful “getting to know you” by conjuring up paradoxical “nicknames” warm-up exercise. (For example, one high energy and animated – okay, sometimes forever running around – yet increasingly at peace with life’s unpredictable twists and turns woman garnered the nickname, “Graceful Ping Pong,” which I later proposed shortening to “Graceful Pong.”)

On Saturday, after the “organic” breakfast came early morning yoga, followed by poignant and purposeful engagement with “stress, conflict and change” from mid-morning to lunch. The afternoon was filled with arts activities culminating in evening belly dancing – a mix of lessons but mostly group giggles and gyrations. The afternoon and evening was for unwinding, socializing, laughing with your peers, and joyfully de-stressing! Sunday morning continued with mind-body meditation and Tai Chi, and/or time for walking along the Potomac River, with fast-moving, white-capped water crashing into and circumnavigating exposed small boulders on one side of the towpath, bare-limbed gently sloping foothills on the other. (Actually, I got in my head clearing walk on Friday afternoon.) And finally, by Sunday noon…wrapping up, letting go and sharing a heartfelt goodbye. (Oh, yes, during breaks in the schedule, massage appointments were available with a woman masseuse.) Everyone seemed to love the experience – a “magical mix” of purpose, passion and play. There was considerable talk of meeting again the following year.

Before a number of you male readers send those envious e-mails, after Saturday lunch, I said my goodbyes. Stress Doc programming services were no longer needed; the owner of the retreat center and I agreed (okay, my agreement was tinged with a touch of regret) that my presence would likely inhibit the “girls night out” group dynamics. As we’ll see, learning to “let go” is a good thing!

Embracing and Letting Go of Change and Conflict

However, I do have a firsthand retreat account to share: about leading and facilitating the Saturday morning program on “Transforming Stress, Change and Conflict into Passion Power.” We opened with a “signs of transition stress” warm-up that captures my goal of helping participants become more FIT – by having “Fun,” engaging in “Interactive” exercises, and by being “Thought-Provoking.” It’s called a “Three ‘B’ Stress Barometer” small group discussion exercise: “How do your Brain, Body and Behavior let you know when you are under more stress than usual?” After the group report back and accompanying leader-audience banter, we built a conceptual bridge between stress/burnout and an inability to “let go.” I’ve named it “The Vital Lesson of the Four ‘R’s”: If no matter what you do or how hard you try, Results, Rewards, Recognition and Relief are not forthcoming…and you can’t say “No” or won’t “let go,” trouble awaits. The groundwork is being laid for apathy, callousness and despair. In other words, you’ve invested so much time, money and ego in, for example, one right person or position, you can’t “retreat.” Your rigid “egoal-driven” posture won’t allow you to step back and gain a different vantage point, to consider a new perspective.

With the concept of “letting go” hovering in the room, I shared “The Six ‘F’s for Productively Managing Loss and Change” – psychosocial emotions, issues and tasks that challenge an individual to grapple with: a) the loss of the familiar, b) an uncertain future, c) a loss of face, d) regaining focus, especially focused aggression, e) getting good feedback and f) having faith that if you do your “headwork, heartwork and homework” you will develop the cognitive-emotional muscles to withstand this transitional tempest, as well as to realize the opportunity in seemingly dangerous change and conflict. (See addendum below for an elaboration of “The Six ‘F’s for Productively Managing Loss and Change.”)

The women certainly resonated with these emotional tasks and touchstones. But it was reciting some poetic lines penned years ago regarding the connections between grief and growth and the natural and spiritual worlds that enveloped the cozy alcove in a poignant and pregnant shroud of meditative silence: Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like spring upon winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal.

We were now ready to transition to the major morning small group exercise – a personal exploration of the change-conflict experiences that ultimately moved these participants to come to the Blue Mountain
Retreat Center. (And worth noting, several drove to West Virginia from as far away as Long Island, NY and Alabama!)

Engaging Change and Conflict: Of Time, Pain and Desire

My window for exploring change and conflict (and of course change and conflict can be both inward-directed along with having an interpersonal dynamic) was viewing these individual and group forces from a comprehensive perspective. For example, within a small group (four people), participants used a temporal vantage point to individually examine their “hot” change-conflict experience: how do the past, the present and the future “cook” or influence your cognitive-emotional-behavioral involvement with this energy draining, anxiety provoking (and, possibly, exciting) event or transitional crisis:
a) Past (or what has occurred?) – What really brought the change-conflict issue to a boil? How long has it been smoldering? What aspects of the change/conflict resolution remain unresolved or unfinished? To paraphrase Shakespeare, has there been a past tide not taken…leading to a voyage being stranded in shallows and miseries?
b) Present (or what is ongoing?) – What emotions, relationships, directions, etc. are you grappling with now? Does the portent of danger obscure any sense of opportunity? Can you acknowledge both pain and possibility? What about this existential crossroads stirs fear, anger, sadness and/or shame?
c) Future (or what is anticipated?) – What is or may be on the horizon? Are you considering a change? If so, why is it such a struggle? Why the fear of letting go? What are you afraid of losing; is the fear external (a person or position) and/or internal (loss of your own identity)? Is there any connection between desire and dread, between your fantasy and your fear(s)?

I also tweaked and then shared the lyric to the folk classic, “Where Have all the Flowers Gone”:
Where has all the passion gone?
Long time passing
Where has all the passion gone?
Long time ago
Where has all the passion gone?
Gone to…

As some of you may recall, the actual song’s next words are, “gone to graveyards everyone,” followed by two stanzas of, “When will they ever learn?” I asked the participants to come up with a phrase, where appropriate, for locating their diminished passion. (My phrase: “Gone to lost dreams everyone.”)

And the desires, dreams and disappointments poured forth, but so too did the compassionate listening and questioning, poignant sharing and advising. Some of the women’s stories included:
a) an exhausted, on the verge of burnout business owner, thinking she may have to step away from her “baby,” not sure what to do, yet almost allergic to asking for help,
b) anticipating an empty nest, the challenge is not just saying good bye to a college-bound daughter but rekindling a newly meaningful relationship with her husband,
c) not trivializing “damned if I stay, damned if I leave” (workplace) dilemmas; instead, learning to respect the deeper meaning and message of such internal conflicts, and
d) not allowing chronic pain to cloud decision-making judgment regarding an unrealistic academic work load and time schedule.

Strategic Closing

With the “Busy Women” personal sketches as a backdrop, I will close with some problem-solving concepts, tools and tips to facilitate our subtitle – “From Each One Letting Go to All Helping One Another Grow.”

1. Beware SST Syndrome. When you put on that heavy armor, sure nobody can get to you, but all those turbulent emotions are locked inside, churning and eating away. Remember, “Strong Silent Types” get a lot more ulcers than Oscars! If your personal mantra increasingly is, “Who gives a d_ _ n! or “Look out for #1” it is overtime for a “stress buddy.” Initially, though, don’t overdo the venting; gradually let out the pressure and pain. Understandably, SST’s dread being overwhelmed; once their floodgates are thrown wide open they fear drowning in the uncontrollable wave of emotion,
2. Seek Some TLC. Obviously, a “stress” or “battlefield buddy” (the label used by military spouses for peers who help them cope with the absence of a loved one) needs to be a good listener. However, more is required. When feeling anxiously confused, enraged or lost, we often need some TLC, though not the standard variety. What’s required is a compassionate corner who also will give it to us straight. We need someone who can provide “Tender Loving Criticism” and “Tough Loving Care.” And not only is this paradoxical mix sometimes hard to swallow; it’s not always easy finding someone mature enough to deliver such complex TLC,
3. Watch for Type E Tendencies. The problem with always being accommodating is the tendency to dismiss your own concerns, wants and needs. Not surprisingly, this often leads to resentment and the belief that people are taking advantage of your “too good” nature. (Remember, a firm “No” a day keeps the ulcers away…and the hostilities, too.) Being “Everything for Everyone, Everywhere and Every Time” is a sure fire formula for acting out the “b”-word (or, at least one of those “b”-words): Burnout is less a sign of failure and more that you gave yourself away!
4. Take Time for the Pain. Over and over again it was obvious that a number of these women needed to do some head- and heartfelt grieving before they were able to move beyond malaise or muddle. Tears can be a cleansing agent, allowing light and new perspective to pour in through the dark clouds. Be aware that sitting with or expressing concern for a person in pain can be a challenge. When trying to help, think twice before jumping in with a “here’s what you need to do” agenda. Listen for the other’s unspoken emotions; as previously noted, a yin-yang mix of “TLC” compassion and confrontation often helps a partner productively engage in self-searching, clarification and forgiveness,
5. Throw Away the Agenda, Listen and “Go with the Flow”. When people are encouraged to talk about their issues, ideas and emotions, especially in a small group exercise setting, and they feel sufficiently safe, a caring and stimulating venue for genuine give and take often starts evolving. (Also, helpful for building trust is an exchange revealing a leader’s capacity to accept disagreement or a challenge from one or more members.) Of course, being away from the day-to-day routine greases the openness, risk-taking and intimacy wheels. And another tip: don’t be wedded to a preset outline. By really attending to the expression of concerns, issues and needs, the participants, themselves, will design the group process/critical tool kit road map. And many of the above points are illuminated in the Blue Mountain owner’s distillation of post-retreat evaluation feedback from the attendees. One final aside, while the ensuing comments focus on my skills as facilitator, in truth, it was our ability to create a poignant and passionate, purposeful and playful facilitator-partner team that conjured the “motivational magic”:

a) This subject brought a lot of heavy emotions from the women to the surface. Your ability to help the women work through their issues, and even more importantly…to give them tools with which to transform their stress was truly amazing…they took away many things that they can use in their everyday life,
b) You helped them to evaluate their stressors differently, to see the positive in every stress, conflict and/or change,
c) You helped them realize they are not alone…and allowed and encouraged others to give feedback within the group!
d) The women look forward to working with you again at a future gathering!

Once again the wisdom of “growing through grief” or “letting go” and “going with the flow” is affirmed, especially when sharing with people who have walked in your shoes (and can also feel your bunions). As the Nobel-prize winning, Algerian-French philosopher, Albert Camus, observed: "Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand that the loved one (or loved object, e.g., a prized outline-agenda) obstructed a whole corner of the possible pure now as a sky washed by rain.” This inaugural Blue Mountain adventure has truly opened up my mind to wonderful learning and sharing, camaraderie-building and healing possibilities. There will be more retreats for “Busy Women.” It's an experience that can help one and all...Practice Safe Stress!