Were you ever told, “You are what you eat”? That always sounded rather ridiculous to me, because I felt fine after eating anything, and thought that bit of advice was, well a bit hokey and over the top. Now that I’m much older and wiser, not only does that make sense to me, but that logic can be applied to other habits we have as well.

As therapists we are privileged to hear people’s personal stories, and how they manage to navigate through life. One thing is very clear for all people, that we often believe what we say to be true. How we think about an issue or problem greatly reflects our ability to confront a situation. When I continue to make excuses for my behavior, I am not accepting the responsibility of admitting I can change it if I choose to. When I have a reason, i.e., an honest explanation, then I am aware that I am accepting responsibility for that outcome.

It is important to listen to yourself talk and how you account for things in your life. Do you continually make excuses? If so, maybe a resolution would be to see if you could change how you perceive things, and then respond more authentically.

An excuse is an evasion or avoidance of responsibility. A reason is an explanation. A valid reason will limit excuses, because you admit there were other choices or ways to resolve what happened. You’ll be surprised at how much more empowering it can be when we actually hear what we say, and then challenge ourselves to the truth in it. It’s kind of like eating well. If I eat healthy foods I functions better. If I eliminate excuses and accept responsibility, then I’m on my way to becoming accountable and possibly feeling better too!

Example:
Excuse - I couldn’t get milk because the store was closed.

Reason - I didn’t get the milk because I didn’t leave enough time, the store was closed, and I didn’t know where else to go. The difference may be subtle, the outcome is the same, but in the second response, responsibility is being accepted.

Listen to yourself. Are you making excuses for falling short on your personal expectations? Or are there valid reasons?

Have you ever been faced with a situation, and all you could see were negative outcomes? Last week we explored talking to yourself about influencing your perspective about any given issue. I outlined the main difference between an excuse and a reason, to point out how to accept accountability for the outcome of a situation. When you admit that maybe you did have choices you could have made; you are giving the reason for the circumstances of the situation and accepting responsibility. When you tell stories about why it’s not done, why it didn’t happen, why you are late, etc., it becomes an excuse.

DILEMMA: “A situation that requires a choice between options that is, or seems to be equally unfavorable, or mutually exclusive.”* What is actually distressing about a dilemma is that one needs to make a choice that one does not want to make?
When I look objectively and honestly at my dilemma, I’m forced into making a choice. How I perceive and evaluate my choices can clearly affect the outcome of the dilemma.
How you think of those choices can help you acknowledge that although initially you may not LIKE the choices, you can also accept that fact and move on with an open mind.

Instead of viewing your choices as a no-win situation, try to reframe the issue by looking at the options differently. Rather than describing it as a problem, try to think of the options as opportunities. A Problem is defined as “A state of difficulty that needs to be resolved”, or, “any question or matter involving uncertainty or difficulty”. Thinking along those lines can keep you in a negative or doubtful state. An Opportunity is “A possibility due to a favorable combination of circumstances, or a good chance for advancement and progress”. So reframing the issue as an opportunity will open you up to new and positive choices.

When I was a young person, and I was told “We’ll see”, in response to a request I made, I usually expected the outcome to be negative. It could have been a question about going somewhere, buying something, or doing something I wanted to do. For some reason, not being given a definitive answer left the door open for disappointment rather than to expecting a positive outcome.

As an EAP Counselor, listening to people talk about their lives, relationships, jobs, etc., I often find myself thinking about this when people seem tentative about what they say they plan to do, and what they actually intend to do. If I say I’ll try, at least I’m making an effort I could reason. If it doesn’t work out, I can fall back on my rationale that I tried.

The verb “to try” is defined as an “attempt to do or accomplish; to make an effort”.
“To do” is defined as “to perform or carry out”. The difference I believe is so subtle, that it may be unnoticeable most of the time because of how we use these terms. An example would be, “I will try to do that today.” The part about “trying” leaves an opening or possible excuse for not “doing”. I can always say, “Well at least I tried”. But did I really?

As we think about the impact word usage can have on our way of thinking, listen to how you use these words, and if maybe the message you are sending is leaving the opening for not accomplishing your goals.

I can “try” a new food, or “try” a new route to work. However if I am really serious about getting the results in my life that I want, then maybe I need to stop “trying” and as a famous athletic company would say, “Just do it!!!”

We think a thought, then feel a feeling and then choose a behavior. Next week’s tip will focus on listening to the words we use, and the power they have to change our perception of what we can accomplish.

We have focused on the words we use, the messages they convey to others, and the impact our self-talk or dialogue has on our own thoughts and actions.

I’ve compared the old saying of “You are what you eat”, to the belief that “you are what you think”. If you eat healthy foods, and live a healthy lifestyle, you can expect that your quality of life will be better. The same is true for what you feed your mind.

Much research has been done to prove that you can alter brain functions by mentally challenging or exercising your brain to think differently about a situation and therefore respond accordingly based on how you perceived the message. When we conscientiously choose to succeed, then using words like “I can’t help it”, become excuses. More accurately might be that I didn’t choose to take responsibility for my choices.

When we can hear what we say about our problems, it’s easy to see why we can get bogged down by the mere thought of tackling the project. Negative remarks we use with words such as “I’ll never finish this up and get out of here in this lifetime”, will only reinforce that you are helpless. It’s hardly a way to boost your enthusiasm and effort.

Instead, remember you do have choices. Word them so that you are honest about your expectations and outcome of the situation. Truly you will get the work done, so instead of over- dramatizing, simply state that you feel overwhelmed by the amount of work, that you will accomplish what you reasonably can tonight, and then move on. As hard as it may be, spend some time listening to yourself talk this week. Are you making excuses, or perceiving situations as negative and yourself a victim of circumstances?

To make a choice about your life means to select, after consideration, an option to proceed. If there are situations in your life that bog you down, maybe it’s time to choose to get a fresh perspective on them.

“I do not believe in fate that falls on men however they act, but I do believe in fate that falls on them unless they act”. ~Author Unknown.

So, what’s in the words you use? Are you “trying” or “doing”?

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