George Wassell

Holidays can create feelings of dread and<br />
anxiety in those who are bereaved. The<br />
clich d images of family togetherness and<br />
the often unrealistic expectations of a season filled<br />
with picture perfect, joyful gatherings can cause<br />
tremendous stress for those who are not grieving-let<br />
alone those in the midst of the painful, isolating<br />
experience of loss. How does one celebrate the<br />
holidays when a loved one is so sorely missed?<br />
Creating new rituals and new traditions that pay<br />
tribute to the memory of the deceased is one way to<br />
survive, and perhaps even embrace, the holidays<br />
when a loved one has died. Here are some<br />
suggestions of what you can do.<br />
<br />
• Decorate a wreath with pictures and items that<br />
were loved by the person who died and place<br />
the wreath at his/her grave.<br />
<br />
• Wrap a favorite keepsake of the deceased or a<br />
framed picture of your loved one, and give it as<br />
a gift to another grieving family member.<br />
<br />
• Tell the stories behind the ornaments on the<br />
Christmas Tree and the role your loved one<br />
played in making those memories. Create a<br />
special ornament labeled with the name of the<br />
deceased and hang it on the tree.<br />
<br />
• Decorate a candle and light it at meal time in<br />
memory of your loved one. If you celebrate<br />
Chanukah, recall a memory of the deceased on<br />
each of the eight nights that you light the<br />
Menorah.<br />
<br />
• Make a book of pictures and memorabilia about<br />
the deceased to give or simply to share with one<br />
another. This is a good activity for children as<br />
well.<br />
<br />
Make a donation to a favorite charity in the<br />
person’s honor. Create a scholarship to keep the<br />
memory of the deceased alive and announce it at a<br />
holiday gathering of family and friends.<br />
<br />
• Purchase a holiday book-perhaps a favorite of the<br />
deceased-and donate it to your local library or<br />
school. Ask your librarian to place a label in the<br />
front cover inscribed, “In memory of (your loved<br />
one’s name).”<br />
<br />
• Bring your loved one’s favorite food to share at a<br />
holiday dinner. Mention their name in the<br />
blessing over the food or propose a toast to their<br />
memory.<br />
<br />
• Share anecdotes and favorite stories about the<br />
person who died. Sometimes others need<br />
permission to talk about the deceased. Let them<br />
know you would rather keep the memory of your<br />
loved one alive than pretend nothing has changed.<br />
<br />
• Encourage grieving children to draw pictures and<br />
create gifts inspired by their memories of the<br />
deceased to give to other family members.<br />
<br />
• Decorate and hang a cut-out star in your home<br />
with your hopes and dreams for the future.<br />
Thinking about tomorrow is part of your healing.<br />
Then once you’ve remembered your loved one, make<br />
sure you remember yourself. Take care of yourself.<br />
Be gentle. Do what you can do-no more and no less.<br />
If it’s too hard to be in the same place where you<br />
spent holidays together with your loved one, opt for a<br />
change of scene and go somewhere new. If you can’t<br />
afford a vacation, go to a restaurant-or a friend or<br />
family member’s home that doesn’t have painful<br />
associations with previous holidays. Although you<br />
can’t erase thoughts and memories of the deceased, it<br />
may help to create a new holiday experience.<br />
<br />