When a soldier deploys everyone in the family feels the impact. And I mean everyone. I recall one spouse describing how after her husband deployed, each day, in the late afternoon, the family dog would sit at the front door waiting for his master to come home. Eventually, with a saddened look, the dog would give up the vigil…until the next day.
While patience is a virtue, a spouse or a family needs to do more than sit and wait, especially when the stress level for the spouse is so palpable. Why should this be? Isn’t it the soldier who is going down range, potentially moving into harm’s way? A study during WWII helped me better understand why the spouse’s role can be so challenging. The project involved assessing the stress levels of military pilots and co-pilots. The results clearly showed that on fighter missions, the co-pilots had significantly higher stress levels. In contrast to his partner, the pilots not only steered the aircraft, but when challenged by the enemy the pilot could make a response, that is, he could fire back. The co-pilot did not have the same opportunity to make an active coping response. And there’s a direct correlation between diminished active and focused problem solving and negative stress levels.
When it comes to separation, the soldier has been preparing, gradually getting into a mindset to leave, to take on the tasks and roles for which he or she has been diligently prepared. However, regarding the realities of deployment, obviously, the spouse cannot prepare for combat nor can she directly control events down range, yet emotionally and spiritually she’s right there with her soldier. So if you believe the spouse or significant other is a soldier’s co-pilot, then clearly spouse and homefront stress must be addressed. (And speaking of “co-pilots,” in no way is God being tossed out of his longstanding role.)
Before delineating a list of active stress management behaviors and coping strategies, let me highlight a few broad areas of potential stress facing the spouse, family and indirectly, of course, the soldier in the field.
Four Homefront Stressors with Some Strategies
1. Separation Anger, Angst and Assessment. As deployment nears, sometimes couples consciously or not create or magnify issues to fight over. In the short term, it might seem to make separating easier. (“Good, I’m glad he’s out of the house already.”) But eventually guilt or dis-ease can set in. And this lingering angst is not helpful to the soldier’s or the spouse’s peace of mind in their respective roles; also, people around both the soldier and spouse feel the aftereffects. You may become a “stress carrier.” (You know the definition of a stress carrier – someone who doesn’t get ulcers…just gives them!)
In addition, paradoxically, some partners want the soldier to leave because the sooner he or she leaves, the sooner “I can start the countdown for his (or her) return.” Again, if motives aren’t clear, the relationship waters can be muddied. If necessary, early in the deployment, acknowledge getting off on the wrong foot; try to clean up any unresolved or perplexing separation stuff.
2. Murphy’s Law of Separation. In the first couple of weeks, something’s going to go wrong; not likely horribly wrong just annoyingly wrong – whether with down range to home communication or with the kids getting sick, or to who knows what. And chances are, initially, still dealing with separation angst, people will overreact as they are on the stress edge. Just know that glitch happens, especially early on, and as much as possible, try to go with the flow.
3. Take off the Mask. Some people deal with stress by becoming “strong silent types” -- they put on a mask, disguise their feelings to the outside world and even try to fool or numb themselves. (And numbing techniques can range from masks and mania to Michelobs and Merlots.) Of course, I’m not just talking about the traditional male. These days I think there are almost as many Rambettes as Rambos out there. And remember, “Strong silent types get a lot more ulcers than they do Oscars.” Also, signs of increased cynicism and callousness or impatience and defensiveness may indicate that the mask is more trouble than it’s worth. Remember, there’s a real difference between feeling sorry for yourself and feeling your sorrow. When feeling sorry for yourself you tend to blame others; when you genuinely feel your sorrow you have the courage to face and share your pain. Are you ready to replace the mask with a stress buddy?
4. Beware Supermom Syndrome. Becoming the sole parent on the homefront is pressure-packed: “Everything is on me.” Of course there will be times when you have “double duty,” however, day in and day out beware trying to play the role of both parents. Also, don’t try to become someone who you are not. Better to bring out who you are, that is, you’re genuine “task and touch” skills and talents (as well as accepting flaws and foibles; none of us are perfect) as a person and a parent. Finally, be careful not to overload your children’s activity schedule as a way to divert them (or yourself) from your own feelings of sadness, loneliness, anger or anxiety. There’s a problem when distracted quantity subtracts from quality time, that is, from truly being present. I’d rather see you be imperfectly present with your family than be heroically flying around, saving everyone else. You’ll be more valuable to yourself and to love ones back down on earth.
More Homefront Strategies
Now that we’ve identified key homefront stress traps with some coping suggestions, how about additional separation stress survival strategies.
1. Down Range-Down Home Clarification. It’s often a “peace of mind” saving measure to clarify beforehand what you want and what you don’t want your soldier to tell you. Knowing the entire grizzly (yet not essential to know) details is not helpful; you’re just inviting info-emotional overload. And this angst directly or indirectly spreads to the kids and other family members.
2. Develop Routine and Ritual without Becoming Rigid. As much as possible, get you and the family into a routine regarding chores, timelines – meals, homework, extracurricular activities, etc. An effective and efficient routine helps everyone feel a little bit more in control of their day, strengthens emotional muscles and affirms a sense of performance competence as well as personal responsibility. Don’t be afraid to exercise firmly and empathically your authority role. Kids want and need the parent to be a solid, truthful and trustworthy presence and good listener more than they need the parent to be a friend or buddy.
Also, I think it’s possible for the single parent and kids to create a home team. One dad shared with his family that he was feeling some anxiety about being a single parent. He called on his girls to help him run the house, to take the lead in certain activities, etc., while his wife was down range. The team effort helped them bond even more as a family.
Also, if your spouse/soldier isn’t home during the holidays, or for a birthday, etc., include him or her symbolically – with a favorite dish or a favorite holiday activity, for example. (And such hands on activity may still be of value even in our era of video clips.) Of course it won’t be the same. Initially, this ritual may evoke some sadness. But embracing such sadness is a sign of courage. And ritual honors and affirms the spirit of the person overseas while helping that spirit-memory-energy burn more brightly within you and the family.
Finally, one area especially important to avoid rigidity is expecting a fixed phone call schedule. The soldier’s world/schedule can change on a dime. Of course, there may be some anxiety initially, but with time you both will adapt.
3. Find a Battle Buddy. First and foremost, during this period of challenge on the homefront, find a “stress or battle buddy.” However, choose wisely. I want this buddy to be able to provide TLC, but not just the traditional kind. I want the buddy also to provide the Stress Doc variety – “Tender Loving Criticism” and “Tough Loving Care.” In other words, choose someone who will both lend a shoulder and provide objective feedback, that is, someone who is not afraid to speak truth to you, but does this in a caring manner.
4. Network, Network, Network. Also, either develop or participate in the “battlefield buddy” network, by establishing phone trees and help lines, peer, social and support groups, family outings, etc. The Family Readiness Group (FRG) is an invaluable resource. The BLUF (“Bottom Line Under Fire, not "Bottom Line U Fool"): “Don’t suffer alone in silence!”
5. Spouses Night Out. I recall one Ft. Hood spouse singing the praises of a weekly “ladies night out” group. The good times and camaraderie clearly demonstrated that, “Laughter is the best medicine.” You might even need to rotate children sitting, but it’s worth it.
6. Develop Financial Interdependence. If the spouse at home really does not know how to drive the family financial wagon, it’s important that dialogue and coaching occur, even when soldier and spouse are apart. A spouse who feels more confident in money matters is a more resilient and supportive spouse. In addition, consider conferring with a homefront “mentor”; a more senior or experienced spouse may provide invaluable “how tos.” Please, don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for help. You are not lowering yourself; you are being a “learner not a loser.” And with the act of asking for assistance-guidance (as opposed to having someone simply take over for you) you are setting in motion a gift – allowing another person to have the meaningful experience of giving to you.
7. Take a Class. Developing a new and valuable skill is a great way to affirm self and manage angst. How about a car maintenance/minor repair course? Or maybe, there’s a dance or computer graphics class that has been whispering to you. And this coping-new learning strategy works just as well with the kids.
8. Become a Volunteer-Mentor. I recall a spouse in her fifties who spoke of depression and a sense of no longer feeling needed when her husband deployed, especially as her kids became more independent and left home. She finally took the step that turned her mood around – she volunteered both on the base and with a favorite charity.
9. Keep a Journal. Try writing down your spontaneous ideas and emotions and then take the time to make sense of the jumble through more dispassionate recording and reflection. Research shows this is a significant stress management tool. In addition, if you review your reflections at three or six month intervals you have a record of emotions and events unfolding, that is, of the progress you and your family have likely made in surviving if not thriving on the homefront.
10. Develop Natural SPEED. Finally, try this daily formula for natural stress inoculation:
S = Sleep. Don't be cheap with your need for sleep. Less than six hours a day for most folks dulls cognitive sharpness, a critical faculty for firmly grounding those fear factors and exploring problem solving opportunities. And sleep deprivation is being linked to eating disturbance and diabetes.
P = Priorities. One example: distinguish "the urgent" (which must be handled immediately) from "the important" (which can be prioritized). The second approach when it comes to establishing priorities: “learn to say no.” Remember, burnout is less a sign of failure and more that you gave yourself away. Consider these Stress Doc maxims: “A firm ‘No’ a day keeps the ulcers away, and the hostilities, too” and “Do know your limits and don’t limit your ‘No’s.”
E = Empathy. Have a stress buddy; someone with whom you can both give and get support. As I once penned: “E” is for the empathy found in a caring shoulder. But all give without take is a big mistake for now you shoulder a boulder!
E = Exercise. Not only does aerobic level exercise stimulate the mind-body's natural mood enhancing chemicals, but walking two miles or a 30-minute workout at the gym provides a beginning and endpoint for a tangible sense of accomplishment and control. In uncertain times, success rituals definitely strengthen psychological hardiness and resilience.
D = Diet. This is not the time to use food to numb your angst. High fats and simple sugars along with excess alcohol dull the brain in the long run and can even trigger moodiness and depression. A conscious healthy eating regimen will be another self-control component in your strategic plan for mind-body safety and personal-professional integrity.
No doubt, you have a challenging task ahead. If I can capture the challenge in a phrase that for me has spiritual overtones: to both give of yourself and give to yourself. Hopefully, this article has raised some questions and outlined some steps and strategies for meeting this challenge; for positively managing and responding to separation-homefront trials and tensions…and has provided words to help one and all Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is the 15th Sustainment Brigade’s “Stress Doc” ™, leading a variety predeployment and mid-tour workshops; and his writings are featured in the 13th ESC’s Expeditionary Times. He is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and non-profits and is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct Professor, No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas and Ft. Leonard Wood. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" – www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.
