Dear Joan:

I was hired on as an HR Generalist at an Engineering company and relocated 3 1/2 hours away from my hometown. I have a degree in Psychology with a focus in HR, but my education never prepared me for the situation I have encountered in my new position. I have a moral conflict and need some advice.

The CEO of the company is verbally abusing his wife/assistant in front of all the staff. He humiliates her by screaming at her, throwing things at her, and continually telling her she has no worth. It is the saddest situation I have ever seen. I spoke with him privately and told him that his behavior made not only myself, but other employees, feel very uncomfortable. I had only been working there for two weeks at this point.

My empathetic listening skills kicked in when the wife approached me seeking "friendly" advice about her abusive husband. As a psychology professional, I would have had her pack her bags and check into a womens' shelter. His temper is frightening, and his violence was unacceptable. As an HR professional, I identified the work problem as they cannot work together and that a no nepotism policy should take effect. I encouraged and helped her find a new job. She received an offer from a previous employer yesterday and she desperately wanted to go back.

I went to work this morning and her face was swollen, eyes red, and tears plenty. She had approached her husband, the CEO, about the new job opportunity. He set up new rules for her as punishment. She is not allowed to do anything unless it involves work or taking care of their kids. She is not allowed to leave the office, or her house. She is told what to do, and when she can do it. The new job was shut down!

I have an ethical problem here. As an HR employee, I do not want this type of verbal abuse in the workplace. I also do not want to become a marriage counselor! I love my job, need my job, and don't want to move again! Do you have any advice?

Answer:

Your situation proves that abusers come from all walks of life. He sounds dangerous. He knows his abuse is visible to others, yet he has continued to increase its intensity. Bravo for having the spine to confront him after only two weeks on the job, however, it hasn’t been enough to contain his behavior. Approaching the problem as a nepotism issue is a good move, too, but I doubt you will get him to put that policy in place.

Sadly, she sounds so beaten down, she has lost the self esteem required to walk out on him. If there are children involved, perhaps she could be encouraged to leave for their sake. She needs counseling, support and protection—and she needs to get it from an outside source. You’re right about assuming the role of marriage counselor—it’s not appropriate and it’s not safe.

I spoke with Jill Zoromski, Senior Vice President, Retail Banking, at Associated Banc-Corp, to get her perspective. She said, “The writer doesn’t want to be a marriage counselor, but there is a certain responsibility we all need to take regarding fellow human beings. This is the same logic that applies to seeing someone being mugged, or beaten. Your responsibility as a bystander is to seek help. In this case, I think that the wife should be advised to move out and go to a women’s shelter for further assistance. “

I agree. In addition, it would be a smart move to contact your outside corporate counsel to assess the risk to the organization and to you. Here are some questions to ask: What are your legal responsibilities regarding reporting this abusive behavior (or the abusive behavior toward any employee)? Could you be liable if you don’t report it? What are your rights if he retaliates, or even fires you, for getting involved? What are the risks to the organization, if the wife presses charges against the CEO? I suspect an attorney will tell you there may be more risk if you know about the situation and then say nothing.

If you have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program), you could also ask them for some advice regarding handling this situation. If he is this out of control, I would caution you to follow the advice of the experts, rather than try to attempt an intervention yourself. If his violence erupts, such as a threat towards you, I’d call the police first, and an attorney second.

Zoromski suggests that the HR person should not tolerate the behavior in her presence. “If it takes getting up and walking out of the room every time he does it, I think that’s the right thing to do.” At the very least, showing you won’t condone his behavior is a significant statement.

Whether you like the job or not, you probably should start looking for a new job, since this isn’t likely to end well.

Zoromski adds, “It’s hard to believe this is a true story, but then, we hear things like this all the time in the news and from advocacy groups. The only real difference is that this guy is a CEO…and as far as I know, that doesn’t mean CEOs can’t be jerks too! In fact, in some companies, it’s a job requirement.”

Joan Lloyd is an executive coach, management consultant, facilitator and professional trainer. Email your question to Joan at info@joanlloyd.com. Visit www.JoanLloyd.com <http://www.joanlloyd.com/> to search an archive of more than 1300 of Joan’s articles. (800) 348-1944 © Joan Lloyd & Associates, Inc.