Let’s try a mind exercise. You’ve just given a presentation at an
important meeting. As the meeting concludes you turn to a colleague (a casual
acquaintance) and ask, “How did the presentation go?” And in a decidedly
judgmental and unfriendly tone this colleague declares, “Frankly, you fumbled
the data. Obviously, you didn’t prepare very well!”

Imagine being the presenter. How would you feel receiving such critical
feedback? And what would you say or do in return? (And let’s assume that
punching this guy in the nose is not a good intervention strategy.)

Actually, this is the scenario I pose to attendees of my “Managing Anger and
Difficult People” Program. (Also subtitled, “When Going Postal Is Not an
Option.” And as a former stress and violence prevention consultant for the US
Postal Service I feel entitled to my attitude.)

Let me begin this analysis by illustrating three common emotional and
behavioral reactions to this “critical aggressor” exercise:

1. Feeling Rejected or Exposed. If this instance applies, you likely
feel hurt and put down by the antagonist’s harsh words. Or you are surprised
by the stinging critique; you believed your presentation had been at least
satisfactory. Now you may feel exposed. Feelings of guilt (“I could have
tried harder or done better”) or shame (“this criticism confirms my
inadequacy or worthlessness”) may dominate. Now the only means available to
counter the criticism is with hastily conceived self-justifying explanations or
face-saving rationalizations.

2. Feeling Attacked and Becoming Aggressive. In this scenario you
quickly feel defensive and reactive. You might think, “How dare this jerk be so
hostile?” Or you might say, “How the hell do you know how I prepared?
And what makes you such a hot shot expert (you bozo)!” And while
immediately counterattacking and feeling entitled (“an eye for an eye, an ego for an
ego”) your reactivity may well indicate wounded pride.

3. Feeling Fearful or Humiliated and Withdrawing. Whether lowering your
eyes in defeat or turning pale in a state of shock, you now feel
intimidated and helpless. Incredulous at the brazen verbal harassment, some
sensitive individuals or folks with underdeveloped assertive muscles, become
immobilized. A target’s suppressed rage may also add to a sense of impotence.
Now you likely sit passively or withdraw ignominiously from the battlefield.
(Of course, a tactical withdrawal may be a productive and purposeful
step. But more on this shortly.)

Positive Limit-Setting Strategic Interventions

Having delineated three defensive reactions, it’s time to describe a
constructive and strategic approach to setting limits on a harsh aggressor.
Consider these basic assumptions, attitudes and actions:

1. Understanding the Difference between Reaction and Response. The
aforementioned feelings, thoughts and behaviors are defensive reactions. (And “
defensive” in this sense does not mean healthfully self-protective.) A
target quickly feels attacked and psychically wounded; he or she is being
verbally mistreated or abused by the aggressor. And whether lashing out in
anger or feeling humiliated and quickly retreating, the “victim” is in
reactive mode: “You’ve hurt me” or “You made me upset” or “It’s your fault”
or “You caused me to strike back.”

However, there’s a strategic alternative: you can experience and process
your feelings and thoughts before behaving in a knee-“jerk” manner. You
can acknowledge feelings of pain, shame and anger, and then get centered.
You can begin to place this person’s behavior in context: is the critic’s
assessment objective (even if his manner of delivery is woefully subjective)
or does he have an agenda? Or, might she be jealous?

By processing your thoughts and feelings and by assessing or, at least,
questioning the aggressor’s behavior patterns and situational constraints you
are now ready to transform a reaction into an assertive and effective “
response.”

2. Metacommunicate. Here’s my conflict management axiom in dealing with
a critical aggressor: before justifying or explaining your behavior comment
upon or confront – whether tactfully or directly – the aggressor’s
harassing tone and/or content. Using our mind exercise as an example, you might
say: “I’m open to feedback, but I don’t appreciate being attacked.”
Or, such global and unspecific comments are not useful and, frankly, I find
them hostile. Can you be more specific and professional?
Along with staying centered and non-reactive, you are setting appropriate
boundaries. You’ve returned the harsh critic’s verbal hand grenade (as
opposed to freezing up or to hurling it back in an enraged or vengeful
state).

3. Use Assertive “I” Messages. Underlying this tactfully assertive
approach to defusing hostility is the recognition that assertive “I” messages,
unlike blaming “You” messages, don’t add static to communication channels.
“You made me” or “It’s your fault” transfers all the power to the
aggressor. In reality, one-sided blaming often rationalizes an immature reaction
or counterattack. In contrast, a constructive “I” message acknowledges
your experience as a target: “That hurts” or “I’m angry right now.”
Such a message also states what you don’t like or what you do prefer:
“I don’t appreciate being attacked and I don’t listen well. I can hear and
consider more specific feedback.” “I” messages help reaffirm your integrity
while establishing healthy boundaries. So abstain from those reactive
“You”s or risk becoming a “blameaholic.”

4. Take a Time Out. Finally, if the aggressor’s initial barrage leaves
you stunned or speechless, you don’t have to stay in the ring desperately
trying to summon up a counterpunch. Basically you can state, “I won’t be a
party to this kind of verbal barrage (or “harassment” if encounter is more
hostile than just heated). Or, if feeling centered, you can declare: “I
need a time out before responding.” You also can say, “I believe we need a
timeout for us to have a professional discussion.”
Remember, it’s okay if you don’t have a perfect comeback to an aggressor’s
spewing. Take time to think about and sleep on the problem and a response
…Then you’ll nail the jerk tomorrow! Just kidding. ;-) Seriously, taking
a time out is not a sign of weakness. Basically it is a strategic
retreat to help you cleanse a wound, get centered and to formulate and “I”
response. Hitting the pause button affirms your integrity while setting limits
and boundaries on a charged exchange.

Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social
Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational
Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop
programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational
development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and
non-profits and is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct Professor,
No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team
Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions
and Brigades, at Ft. Hood, Texas, Ft. Carson, CO and Ft. Leonard Wood, MO.
A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the
Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of
Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com --
called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more
info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free
e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.