Mark Gorkin

Let’s try a mind exercise. You’ve just given a presentation at an<br />
important meeting. As the meeting concludes you turn to a colleague (a casual<br />
acquaintance) and ask, “How did the presentation go?” And in a decidedly<br />
judgmental and unfriendly tone this colleague declares, “Frankly, you fumbled<br />
the data. Obviously, you didn’t prepare very well!”<br />
<br />
Imagine being the presenter. How would you feel receiving such critical<br />
feedback? And what would you say or do in return? (And let’s assume that<br />
punching this guy in the nose is not a good intervention strategy.) <br />
<br />
Actually, this is the scenario I pose to attendees of my “Managing Anger and<br />
Difficult People” Program. (Also subtitled, “When Going Postal Is Not an<br />
Option.” And as a former stress and violence prevention consultant for the US<br />
Postal Service I feel entitled to my attitude.)<br />
<br />
Let me begin this analysis by illustrating three common emotional and<br />
behavioral reactions to this “critical aggressor” exercise:<br />
<br />
1. Feeling Rejected or Exposed. If this instance applies, you likely <br />
feel hurt and put down by the antagonist’s harsh words. Or you are surprised<br />
by the stinging critique; you believed your presentation had been at least<br />
satisfactory. Now you may feel exposed. Feelings of guilt (“I could have<br />
tried harder or done better”) or shame (“this criticism confirms my<br />
inadequacy or worthlessness”) may dominate. Now the only means available to<br />
counter the criticism is with hastily conceived self-justifying explanations or<br />
face-saving rationalizations.<br />
<br />
2. Feeling Attacked and Becoming Aggressive. In this scenario you<br />
quickly feel defensive and reactive. You might think, “How dare this jerk be so<br />
hostile?” Or you might say, “How the hell do you know how I prepared? <br />
And what makes you such a hot shot expert (you bozo)!” And while <br />
immediately counterattacking and feeling entitled (“an eye for an eye, an ego for an<br />
ego”) your reactivity may well indicate wounded pride.<br />
<br />
3. Feeling Fearful or Humiliated and Withdrawing. Whether lowering your<br />
eyes in defeat or turning pale in a state of shock, you now feel <br />
intimidated and helpless. Incredulous at the brazen verbal harassment, some<br />
sensitive individuals or folks with underdeveloped assertive muscles, become<br />
immobilized. A target’s suppressed rage may also add to a sense of impotence. <br />
Now you likely sit passively or withdraw ignominiously from the battlefield.<br />
(Of course, a tactical withdrawal may be a productive and purposeful<br />
step. But more on this shortly.)<br />
<br />
Positive Limit-Setting Strategic Interventions<br />
<br />
Having delineated three defensive reactions, it’s time to describe a<br />
constructive and strategic approach to setting limits on a harsh aggressor. <br />
Consider these basic assumptions, attitudes and actions:<br />
<br />
1. Understanding the Difference between Reaction and Response. The<br />
aforementioned feelings, thoughts and behaviors are defensive reactions. (And “<br />
defensive” in this sense does not mean healthfully self-protective.) A<br />
target quickly feels attacked and psychically wounded; he or she is being<br />
verbally mistreated or abused by the aggressor. And whether lashing out in<br />
anger or feeling humiliated and quickly retreating, the “victim” is in<br />
reactive mode: “You’ve hurt me” or “You made me upset” or “It’s your fault”<br />
or “You caused me to strike back.”<br />
<br />
However, there’s a strategic alternative: you can experience and process<br />
your feelings and thoughts before behaving in a knee-“jerk” manner. You<br />
can acknowledge feelings of pain, shame and anger, and then get centered. <br />
You can begin to place this person’s behavior in context: is the critic’s<br />
assessment objective (even if his manner of delivery is woefully subjective)<br />
or does he have an agenda? Or, might she be jealous?<br />
<br />
By processing your thoughts and feelings and by assessing or, at least,<br />
questioning the aggressor’s behavior patterns and situational constraints you<br />
are now ready to transform a reaction into an assertive and effective “<br />
response.”<br />
<br />
2. Metacommunicate. Here’s my conflict management axiom in dealing with<br />
a critical aggressor: before justifying or explaining your behavior comment<br />
upon or confront – whether tactfully or directly – the aggressor’s<br />
harassing tone and/or content. Using our mind exercise as an example, you might<br />
say: “I’m open to feedback, but I don’t appreciate being attacked.” <br />
Or, such global and unspecific comments are not useful and, frankly, I find<br />
them hostile. Can you be more specific and professional?<br />
Along with staying centered and non-reactive, you are setting appropriate<br />
boundaries. You’ve returned the harsh critic’s verbal hand grenade (as<br />
opposed to freezing up or to hurling it back in an enraged or vengeful<br />
state).<br />
<br />
3. Use Assertive “I” Messages. Underlying this tactfully assertive <br />
approach to defusing hostility is the recognition that assertive “I” messages, <br />
unlike blaming “You” messages, don’t add static to communication channels.<br />
“You made me” or “It’s your fault” transfers all the power to the<br />
aggressor. In reality, one-sided blaming often rationalizes an immature reaction<br />
or counterattack. In contrast, a constructive “I” message acknowledges<br />
your experience as a target: “That hurts” or “I’m angry right now.” <br />
Such a message also states what you don’t like or what you do prefer: <br />
“I don’t appreciate being attacked and I don’t listen well. I can hear and <br />
consider more specific feedback.” “I” messages help reaffirm your integrity<br />
while establishing healthy boundaries. So abstain from those reactive <br />
“You”s or risk becoming a “blameaholic.”<br />
<br />
4. Take a Time Out. Finally, if the aggressor’s initial barrage leaves<br />
you stunned or speechless, you don’t have to stay in the ring desperately<br />
trying to summon up a counterpunch. Basically you can state, “I won’t be a <br />
party to this kind of verbal barrage (or “harassment” if encounter is more <br />
hostile than just heated). Or, if feeling centered, you can declare: “I<br />
need a time out before responding.” You also can say, “I believe we need a<br />
timeout for us to have a professional discussion.”<br />
Remember, it’s okay if you don’t have a perfect comeback to an aggressor’s <br />
spewing. Take time to think about and sleep on the problem and a response<br />
…Then you’ll nail the jerk tomorrow! Just kidding. ;-) Seriously, taking<br />
a time out is not a sign of weakness. Basically it is a strategic<br />
retreat to help you cleanse a wound, get centered and to formulate and “I”<br />
response. Hitting the pause button affirms your integrity while setting limits<br />
and boundaries on a charged exchange.<br />
<br />
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social<br />
Worker, is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker and "Motivational<br />
Humorist" known for his interactive, inspiring and FUN speaking and workshop<br />
programs. In addition, the "Doc" is a team building and organizational<br />
development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies, corporations and <br />
non-profits and is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark is an Adjunct Professor,<br />
No. VA (NOVA) Community College and currently he is leading "Stress, Team<br />
Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions<br />
and Brigades, at Ft. Hood, Texas, Ft. Carson, CO and Ft. Leonard Wood, MO. <br />
A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service, the <br />
Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of<br />
Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com --<br />
called a "workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more<br />
info on the Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free<br />
e-newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-875-2567.<br />