Lynn Lievonen

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY<br />
<br />
Law of Mechanical Repair<br />
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch<br />
and you'll have to pee.<br />
<br />
Law of Gravity<br />
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.<br />
<br />
Law of Random Numbers<br />
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone<br />
always answers.<br />
<br />
Law of the Alibi<br />
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,<br />
the very next morning you will have a flat tire.<br />
<br />
Variation Law<br />
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always<br />
move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).<br />
<br />
Law of the Bath<br />
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.<br />
<br />
Law of Close Encounters<br />
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when<br />
you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.<br />
<br />
Law of the Result<br />
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.<br />
<br />
Law of Biomechanics<br />
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.<br />
<br />
Law of the Theater<br />
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive<br />
last.<br />
<br />
The Starbucks Law<br />
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you<br />
to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. *this is also<br />
true of your wife*<br />
<br />
Murphy's Law of Lockers<br />
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent<br />
lockers.<br />
<br />
Law of Physical Surfaces<br />
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor<br />
covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet.<br />
<br />
Law of Logical Argument<br />
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.<br />
<br />
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance<br />
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.<br />
<br />
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking<br />
A closed mouth gathers no feet.<br />
<br />
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy<br />
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop<br />
making it.<br />
<br />
Doctors' Law<br />
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor,<br />
by the time you get there you'll feel better.<br />
<br />
Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.<br />
<br />
And my favorite:<br />
<br />
Law of Probability<br />
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the<br />
stupidity of your act. <br />