Once a default Ego State emerges that is inappropriate or non supportive for the interaction, you forfeit the behavioral management control you possess. This can now become the other persons advantage. Equally as important, regardless of how valid your position is, if your default Ego State is inappropriate for the interaction, your message can be lost. An Ego State that does not correctly support your interaction, can elicit an undesirable reaction from the other person and this reaction can shift your focus from the objective you set, creating a more negative situation.
     Note: It would be remiss to ignore Crossed Transactions in which an un-addressed Ego Sate response occurs. Sometimes even when you approach a situation correctly, you can elicit an undesirable reaction. However, by understanding what is happening and
victim to responding as treated (P.R.A.T.) which then becomes incorrect Ego State support.

Ensuring that you have the right focus, how do I know ‘What I want?’ is really what I want to achieve?

Often, it is as simple as giving sufficient thought, before you enter an interaction, to exactly know what it is you want to achieve, which is the absolute end result. Test your objective with self directed why questions. This will help you to challenge your assumptions and not simply accept your initial answers. When you find that you can no longer expose other answers, then you know you have arrived at your actual objective. This helps you avoid setting a shortfall objective (preferences).

What Do I Want
An insufficiently thought-out objective may result in you achieving exactly what you asked for, which may not really be ultimately what you wanted. (What happened versus what should have happened).

Learning point:
When emotions are high, and/or there is a perception of high risk, we may evaluate the correlation between what we perceive as risk and the perceived value. Risk is what you perceive you may lose or the rejection you are expecting. Perceived value is the outcome or benefit you are hoping to achieve (objective). If there is too much emphasis on risk versus the value, your natural tendencies will be to focus on the obstacles. This is exactly what you are trying to avoid. The expected or accepted barriers will cause an avoidance response. As the perception of risk escalates the value seems to decrease and the less likely you are to consider the value (the objective.) Our survivalist instincts kick in and as such we focus on what we don’t want to happen.

In other words we focus on the obstacles. By ensuring that you focus on the objective you do not contradict the outcome you want (the result) nor do you increase your discomfort because you are considering only the negatives. It also ensures that you avoid defining preferences as opposed to defining your objective.