You have asked a series of questions and you're not getting anywhere. Your next question has resulted in the other party becoming aggressive or defensive, perhaps even challenging your right to ask. As long as your question is sound (ie, not manipulative), two likely motives emerge concerning the person’s defensive stance:

1. The person feels trapped and believes that a response to your question will incriminate them or weaken their position.
Consider: Are they trying to hide something?

2. The person feels set up and manipulated.
Consider: Why would they feel this way?

Neither of these issues is valid (ie, your problem), and you can’t abandon your approach to suit another person’s emotions. Therefore, you should remind yourself that you are seeking information and trying to understand, and then continue with your question.

Tip: Under such circumstances you may wish to explain your motives (see Positioning Statements described in “The danger of telling”). This approach is one of seeking to understand rather than adopting a prosecutorial approach or tone. Avoid letting your objective hijack your approach to the point that you try to get what you want, above all else.


Part of any interaction is listening, so always be prepared to listen. If people feel trapped by a question they will in most cases avoid answering you. Sometimes people just aren’t listening and are not aware that they have not answered you.

Tip: Slow things down, there is no race or time limit. Take your time to listen.

Repeating a question
How many times can you repeat a question without becoming overly repetitive or rude?

Here are the three main reasons why a question goes unanswered.
A. The person does not realise they haven’t answered you;
B. They don’t want to answer you; or
C. They don’t know the answer.

It is fine to repeat the question. At times you may find it helpful to change the wording of your question. Don’t ask a different question - simply rephrase it so that you are basically asking the same question. What may also help is to say something like, “I’m sorry I am repeating the question but I am trying to get an understanding of...”

Tip: Sometimes it may be necessary to discuss the discomfort you sense in the other person. Explain the frustration that you are feeling because your question has not been answered.

Common “questioning” mistakes and their solutions
1. Asking too many questions and not contemplating the answers you are receiving.

Solution: Slow down. Ask one question at a time. Listen to each answer and make sure you understand it.

2. Asking two or three questions at once without meaning to.

Solution: Think before you speak. Mentally check the answer with the question you asked. If you catch yourself asking two or even three questions simultaneously, apologize and rephrase the one question you want answered. It is mostly a lack of concentration on your part or an over eagerness to get what you want that causes you to ask multiple questions.

3. Overwhelming people with questions and not giving them a chance to think.

Solution: You are too keen to get to Go, bypass jail and collect your $200. Discipline yourself. Practice makes perfect.

4. Asking questions that are not relevant to your objective.

Solution: This usually occurs when you are uncomfortable with a situation and you are having difficulty being direct. Ask yourself if you are focusing on what you don’t want (the obstacles), if you have ulterior motives, or if you are forgetting to focus on your objective. Are you thinking about an expected rejection? It may also be that you have not properly understood your objective in the first place. (Always remember to test your objective.)