Rhoberta Shaler

<strong>FAILURE TO NEGOTIATE IS A SURE NO-WIN<br />
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD<br />
</strong><a href="http://www.OptimizeLifeNow.com">www.OptimizeLifeNow.com</a> <br />
<a href="http://www.WorkplacePeopleSkills.com">www.WorkplacePeopleSkills.com</a> <br />
<a href="http://www.TamingTenseTeams.com">www.TamingTenseTeams.com</a>  <br />
<br />
If you do nothing, the ball is always in the other person's court! Are you<br />
giving up your ability to make a difference for yourself in the<br />
relationships in your life?<br />
<br />
The other evening I was teaching my 'How to Negotiate Anything with Anyone'<br />
seminar and talking about the five choices we have in any conflict<br />
situation: yield, collaborate, compromise, avoid, compete. Each is a good<br />
strategy...sometimes!<br />
<br />
Of course, it is wise to pick your battles. Some things simply do not<br />
matter much to you. Yielding is fine. When your negotiating partner really<br />
cares about something and it's relatively immaterial to you. Yield. That's<br />
wise. (By the way, if you find yourself wanting to win even in these<br />
situations, you may need to consider counseling. That's a sign that you<br />
missed something along the way and maturity is not on your side.)<br />
<br />
Avoidance is another matter. Where there is wisdom in avoidance is where<br />
the timing is very wrong or the person is your superior and your job is on<br />
the line. If your negotiating partner is very upset, angry or out of<br />
control, this is not the time! It does not mean that the conversation will<br />
be postponed indefinitely. When emotions are high, negotiating will not<br />
likely be anything like rational. A good time to practice avoidance.<br />
<br />
Negotiating with your boss or supervisor requires more thought. Unless you<br />
want to be miserable forever, you will like not want to continue avoiding<br />
talking with him or her. It does require good communication and negotiation<br />
skills...and maximum preparation.<br />
<br />
Not long ago, I came across an article that mentioned some research. It<br />
said that, except for folks moving on to better positions or fields, 80% of<br />
people interviewed were leaving their jobs because of unexpressed, or<br />
unexpressed, interpersonal conflict! That's huge. It speaks to an entire<br />
working population with poor conflict management skills. Stand out. Be the<br />
person with the well-honed skills and life will be a much more rewarding and<br />
satisfying experience.<br />
<br />
Compromise is over-rated. It means that both people had to give up<br />
something that they really wanted. Sure, there are incidents where this is<br />
appropriate. You may do it because the other person is so important to you<br />
that you want them to have what they most want. You take the loss<br />
magnanimously. Usually, though, it is because you do not know how to<br />
negotiate. And, usually, you are keeping score. Be careful. Do not use<br />
compromise as a substitute for negotiation. Repeated use may be addicting<br />
and will keep you angry.<br />
<br />
Competition can be healthy. It requires staying in shape to<br />
compete--physical, emotional, intellectual, social shape. And, comes with a<br />
caveat: You compete FOR things and positions, e.g. winner, not WITH people.<br />
Don't you hate it when political candidates start taking swipes at folks,<br />
badmouthing them, pointing out their faults? That is because they are<br />
competing with people rather than for issues. That's why competition has a<br />
bad rep!<br />
<br />
Competition has a huge drawback. It is the most likely approach to destroy<br />
a relationship! It is based on satisfying our own concerns while ignoring<br />
the other's goals, needs or issues. It jeopardizing any on-going<br />
relationship possibilities. It will end in a definite win-lose. Useful in<br />
buying a new car, destructive with your life partner!<br />
<br />
That leaves us with 'collaborate', the integrative approach. It takes into<br />
consideration the needs, concerns, desires and wants of both parties and<br />
offers the most lasting, positive results.<br />
<br />
In truth, it isn't what the other person wants but why they want it that is<br />
important. When we take the time to hear the compelling reasons behind<br />
someone's request, it changes things. This is the beginning of<br />
collaboration. It requires excellent listening skills. You're not just<br />
listening to the words, but to the feelings and thinking behind the words.<br />
<br />
This is not a time to operate from assumptions. In all negotiations, test<br />
for accuracy. State what you have heard and ask if you have the information<br />
straight. This demonstrates your willingness to communicate which is the<br />
basis for negotiation.<br />
<br />
Unclear people with poorly thought-out positions, compete or avoid. Wise<br />
folks collaborate. It preserves and even strengthens on-going<br />
relationships.<br />
<br />
If you do not negotiate, you have made a decision in favor of the status<br />
quo. That could be wise. It could be foolish. It could be that the<br />
thought of negotiation scares you rigid. One thing is sure: failure to<br />
negotiate is a sure win-lose....and not in your favor!<br />
<br />
<br />
P.S. Want to improve your negotiating skills? Join the Optimize! Community<br />
online and watch for upcoming teleclasses that will give you the skills you<br />
need. www.OptimizeInstitute.com<br />
<br />
<br />
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD All rights reserved.<br />
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Dr. Rhoberta Shaler is the author of Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work and founder of the Optimize Institute, WorkplacePeopleSkills.com and TamingTenseTeams.com A well-respected psychologist, speaker, consultant and coach, she works with organizations that know their people are their top resource, and with enlightened leaders who know that building relationships must be a top priority. They know that working with Dr. Shaler creates right-sized, high-performance teams that are consistently effective and profitable--especially in a troubled economy. <br />
<br />
Author of more than two dozen books and audio programs, Dr. Shaler offers cost-saving professional development through training delivered both in person and on the telephone. Call Dr. Shaler now and optimize your success. Visit www.OptimizeInstitute.com & subscribe to her ezine, The Rhino Wrestler. <strong><br />
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