FAILURE TO NEGOTIATE IS A SURE NO-WIN
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
www.OptimizeLifeNow.com
www.WorkplacePeopleSkills.com
www.TamingTenseTeams.com
If you do nothing, the ball is always in the other person's court! Are you
giving up your ability to make a difference for yourself in the
relationships in your life?
The other evening I was teaching my 'How to Negotiate Anything with Anyone'
seminar and talking about the five choices we have in any conflict
situation: yield, collaborate, compromise, avoid, compete. Each is a good
strategy...sometimes!
Of course, it is wise to pick your battles. Some things simply do not
matter much to you. Yielding is fine. When your negotiating partner really
cares about something and it's relatively immaterial to you. Yield. That's
wise. (By the way, if you find yourself wanting to win even in these
situations, you may need to consider counseling. That's a sign that you
missed something along the way and maturity is not on your side.)
Avoidance is another matter. Where there is wisdom in avoidance is where
the timing is very wrong or the person is your superior and your job is on
the line. If your negotiating partner is very upset, angry or out of
control, this is not the time! It does not mean that the conversation will
be postponed indefinitely. When emotions are high, negotiating will not
likely be anything like rational. A good time to practice avoidance.
Negotiating with your boss or supervisor requires more thought. Unless you
want to be miserable forever, you will like not want to continue avoiding
talking with him or her. It does require good communication and negotiation
skills...and maximum preparation.
Not long ago, I came across an article that mentioned some research. It
said that, except for folks moving on to better positions or fields, 80% of
people interviewed were leaving their jobs because of unexpressed, or
unexpressed, interpersonal conflict! That's huge. It speaks to an entire
working population with poor conflict management skills. Stand out. Be the
person with the well-honed skills and life will be a much more rewarding and
satisfying experience.
Compromise is over-rated. It means that both people had to give up
something that they really wanted. Sure, there are incidents where this is
appropriate. You may do it because the other person is so important to you
that you want them to have what they most want. You take the loss
magnanimously. Usually, though, it is because you do not know how to
negotiate. And, usually, you are keeping score. Be careful. Do not use
compromise as a substitute for negotiation. Repeated use may be addicting
and will keep you angry.
Competition can be healthy. It requires staying in shape to
compete--physical, emotional, intellectual, social shape. And, comes with a
caveat: You compete FOR things and positions, e.g. winner, not WITH people.
Don't you hate it when political candidates start taking swipes at folks,
badmouthing them, pointing out their faults? That is because they are
competing with people rather than for issues. That's why competition has a
bad rep!
Competition has a huge drawback. It is the most likely approach to destroy
a relationship! It is based on satisfying our own concerns while ignoring
the other's goals, needs or issues. It jeopardizing any on-going
relationship possibilities. It will end in a definite win-lose. Useful in
buying a new car, destructive with your life partner!
That leaves us with 'collaborate', the integrative approach. It takes into
consideration the needs, concerns, desires and wants of both parties and
offers the most lasting, positive results.
In truth, it isn't what the other person wants but why they want it that is
important. When we take the time to hear the compelling reasons behind
someone's request, it changes things. This is the beginning of
collaboration. It requires excellent listening skills. You're not just
listening to the words, but to the feelings and thinking behind the words.
This is not a time to operate from assumptions. In all negotiations, test
for accuracy. State what you have heard and ask if you have the information
straight. This demonstrates your willingness to communicate which is the
basis for negotiation.
Unclear people with poorly thought-out positions, compete or avoid. Wise
folks collaborate. It preserves and even strengthens on-going
relationships.
If you do not negotiate, you have made a decision in favor of the status
quo. That could be wise. It could be foolish. It could be that the
thought of negotiation scares you rigid. One thing is sure: failure to
negotiate is a sure win-lose....and not in your favor!
P.S. Want to improve your negotiating skills? Join the Optimize! Community
online and watch for upcoming teleclasses that will give you the skills you
need. www.OptimizeInstitute.com
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD All rights reserved.
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Dr. Rhoberta Shaler is the author of Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work and founder of the Optimize Institute, WorkplacePeopleSkills.com and TamingTenseTeams.com A well-respected psychologist, speaker, consultant and coach, she works with organizations that know their people are their top resource, and with enlightened leaders who know that building relationships must be a top priority. They know that working with Dr. Shaler creates right-sized, high-performance teams that are consistently effective and profitable--especially in a troubled economy.
Author of more than two dozen books and audio programs, Dr. Shaler offers cost-saving professional development through training delivered both in person and on the telephone. Call Dr. Shaler now and optimize your success. Visit www.OptimizeInstitute.com & subscribe to her ezine, The Rhino Wrestler.
