BACKSTABBERS LOSE
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
www.OptimizeInstitute.com
www.WorkplacePeopleSkills.com
www.TamingTenseTeams.com
Whatever are people thinking when they are two-faced? Are they really
thinking that people are stupid and can't see the forest for the trees?
When meetings take place surreptitiously, behind closed doors and blinds,
suspicion builds. I was working with a finance department for a major
agency. The director was well-known...and feared...for her supposed 'open
door' policy. Loudly she proclaimed that anyone at any time was welcome to
come and speak with her in her office. She declared that she wanted open
communication and everyone feeling able to talk with her. Sounds great.
So, what was the problem?
When a brave person would muster up his or her courage and take her at her
word, it was likely that, in moments, the yelling voice of the director
could be heard throughout the department, complete with language suitable
for a gutter! Oh, but that was not all. Seconds later, the door of her
office would slam shut and the blinds would snap. The hopeful employee
trapped inside. And, the abuse would continue.
When I was brought in to act as consultant, trainer and coach, my task was
to create a functioning team from these nine people. One screamer, three
middle managers living on tenterhooks and five subordinates afraid to speak
or step sideways. Whew! You can believe that there were many days that
those folks seriously considered sick leave!
People enjoy power. Some people abuse power. And, they do it from fear.
No one needs to abuse power when they feel secure, when they know they are
competent and capable, when they have nothing to prove.
Some people feel they have to stomp on and mess with folks in order to get a
promotion. In some dysfunctional businesses, this is true. I was recently
working with an executive coaching client who had a boss who wanted harmony
at any price. He was petrified of managing conflict in his office. My
client was bringing in great clients, with their money, but her subordinate
did not like her. The boss, in his wisdom, decided to release my client
rather than deal with the underhanded and in-her-face behavior of the
subordinate. All in the name of peace. Strange things happen in the
corporate world sometimes.
Of course, the opposite could also happen. The person who brings in the
most money could be allowed to trample over the subordinates because the
bottom line is more important than respect.
A reader wrote to me about a director who plays power games. This woman
calls meetings at inconvenient times and invites her favorites along. This
requires folks to shift priorities, upset family plans and give up weekends
just to satisfy this woman's whims. But she takes the abuse of power to a
whole new level. Once everyone has changed their plans to accommodate her,
she changes her mind, changes the meeting time, and the shifting begins
again. What an incredibly insecure woman!
Backstabbing, gossiping, greed and power games are a sign of an unhealthy
organization. Worse, though, those who engage in these things are wasting
vital energy and making themselves miserable. You might think that
eliminating these things will eliminate you from the promotion ranks. You
might think that I 'don't understand how the game is played'. Believe me, I
do. My question to you is "Are you willing to give up your integrity and
peace of mind on a daily basis in order to play into someone else's
misguided power games?" What is the real prize?
Yes, I know, you need the pay check. We all do need to be able to earn our
keep. How about this, though? How about you behave in integrity with your
values and refuse to play? Wouldn't that feel better? Would you enjoy each
day more? And, eventually, folks will get the message.
Here are a few tips for you:
BE THE APPRECIATOR
Mention the things you appreciate. Comment on the things you like. Discuss
what you prefer.
William James, the father of psychology, said, "The deepest craving of the
human nature is the need to be appreciated." Appreciation is cost-free.
Move the things you like forward by talking about them. It takes almost no
effort to find something you appreciate about each person you know. Just
give voice to it. Guess what? You'll be appreciated.
NEVER SAY ANYTHING YOU DON'T WANT TO BE TRUE
Wow! This one can change the face of the planet, let alone the culture of
your workplace. Speak only about what you want to see happen, what would
improve things. Focus on the positive and give voice to it.
No, this is not Pollyanna thinking. That's why I wrote the book, 'What You
Pay Attention to Expands'--because it is true. How much energy do you lose
when you engage in the 'poor me' and 'ain't is awful' conversations? You're
doing it to yourself.
I'll bet you would not list gossip, backstabbing or negativity as one of the
desirable values you hold dear . But, are you behaving as though that were
true? Remember, your behavior is your belief and there is no way around
that one!
BE PRO-ACTIVE
First rule of change: Be the change you want to see in the world. That's
what Gandhi said and I believe it is paramount. How many people expect
behaviors from others that they are not demonstrating themselves?
Talk about what you want to create. Keep the buzz going about what is
possible. Influence the culture of your workplace with your presence. Be
strong. Be the voice for fair play and reason.
Would that person who calls those meetings that inconvenience everyone be
happy if it happened to her? No, she would be the first to complain. Would
the person who runs to you with the latest gossip be thrilled to be the
topic of conversation tomorrow morning? No, he would be outraged and
declare it unfair. Would the backstabber cry when stabbed? Louder than
anyone.
Stop this nonsense. Just stop it. Refuse to play. It will soon end the
game and, if not the whole game, it will end the game around you.
I'm not talking about being a wuss, a doormat or a snob. This is about
being in integrity with what you value, with being the person you most want
to be. Use your energy, time and resources in ways that make you feel good
every day. After all, it is your quality of life you're creating!
There are risks. You may be happier. People may gravitate towards you and
want to play on your team. You may become a leader and have the opportunity
to demonstrate a better way of doing things.
Of course, there are other risks. You may be seen as different and no fun
at all. Some folks don't like people to rain on their pity parties! Or,
you may catch the eye of the offender in power. Guess what? You'll be the
one who is promulgating positivity. You'll be the one showing that there is
another, a better way, to make it through the work day. And, they just may
want you on their team. Why? Because you are easy to be around.
OK, now, do the math. You're easy to be around while sharing what's
possible for the team, department or company. That has to be attractive.
Hang in. Backstabbers lose every day. Not only will you be winning every
day personally, you very well may win the day. Be a shift shaper!
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
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Dr. Rhoberta Shaler is the author of Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work and founder of the Optimize Institute, WorkplacePeopleSkills.com and TamingTenseTeams.com . A well-respected psychologist, speaker, consultant and coach, she works with organizations that know their people are their top resource, and with enlightened leaders who know that building relationships must be a top priority. They know that working with Dr. Shaler creates right-sized, high-performance teams that are consistently effective and profitable--especially in a troubled economy.
Author of more than two dozen books and audio programs, Dr. Shaler offers cost-saving professional development through training delivered both in person and on the telephone. Call Dr. Shaler now and optimize your success. Visit www.OptimizeInstitute.com & subscribe to her ezine, The Rhino Wrestler. For onsite & on the phone training, visit www.WorkplacePeopleSkills.com
