As an undergraduate a few years ago, I continuously heard "Tell us how you feel.

I, too, read countless books declaring if I want to be emotionally healthy, I'd have to learn how to share my feelings. I also see my daughters being taught the process at school, learning to say "I feel (this) because you did (this).

After working so hard at reaching self-actualization, I concluded that self-actualization is a concept that is different for everyone and that sometimes it is felt...and sometimes not. The same goes for feelings.

When we are experiencing any type of "good" or "bad" feeling, we often "blame an outside source. Why? It's because we are rarely taught how to take COMPLETE responsibility for our own feelings, especially when describing them. We attribute them to another person, or event. "She makes me so mad! or "My work is so boring!" or "They are working me to death!" We may even visit the past to see what started those feelings, or attempt to meet a future goal so that we can finally be happy.

After many failed attempts at finding work that made me "happy, I realized how the pursuit of happiness was flawed in itself. The pursuit holds an assumption, you see, that if we did something different, we will be finally be happy. Even more detrimental, if we did something different, we may think that our spouse, child, or colleague would change. Then we could finally be happy!

Children learn this at a very early age. Everywhere we look, even in children's programming, you hear "That made me sad!" and advise such as, "Try to find a solution to your problem."

The Problem IS the Solution

According to psychologists, in order to survive, we must come up with a reason for what happened so we can prevent the negative experience from occurring again. When in conflict with a loved one, we rarely are pointing the finger back in our own direction. Instead, we may make up meaning that there must be someone else or something else to blame.
If someone spills the milk, this could be a problem. I also call this the solution.

Let's take one step backwards now. Wasn't their action a solution in itself? Didn't they spill the milk because they were simply reaching for the fork? Didn't our colleagues avoid listening to us because maybe they didn't like what we had to say? Didn't the child scream because they just wanted to be heard?

We are all reacting. At work, in the community, on the road, in the grocery store&and it all begins at home when we spilled the milk. Our parents may have blamed us for their anger and we will continue to blame others for our anger.

If the solution IS the problem, perhaps it's time to learn a new way. Let's consider that "My way or the highway no longer works and finger-pointing only limits our own lives.

I suggest we replace problem-solution thinking with ways for making effective requests that meet the needs of everyone involved. Simply sharing my feelings will often hinder me moving beyond the idea that he or she "made me angry."

Expectations that enjoyment will happen IF something else happens is a limiting view. Join me on the idea that joy is happening, but we are simply looking the other way.

I invite you to find a way...any way that takes blame and shame out of your daily life.

Of course, I offer a way ...and welcome YOUR participation in enabling excellence in those you influence.