I have a coworker who, since learning about how to coach others, has taken it upon herself to turn nearly every interaction into a coaching opportunity. If you casually mention over lunch that you decided to start running, she’ll ask, “How much by when?”. As in, “How much are you committing to running each day and when are you going to start doing this so I can hold you accountable when we have lunch next week?”. If you express frustration over a stalled project, she’ll say, “So, what steps will you take to get this project back on track?”. I don't know that I have ever had a "normal" conversation with this girl.

Interactions with her reminded me of a fundamental principle in coaching. You never coach someone unless you have been asked to do so. Let me explain why:

* It is an honor to coach someone. Never assume that you are entitled to that honor, or that you, by way of your grand life experience, seniority, wisdom or expertise, are in a position that justifies automatically coaching another. Hold off on coaching unless 1) someone has specifically asked you to coach them through a situation, or 2) the very nature of your relationship (manager, life coach, mentor) is such that coaching is a major component and expectation in your relationship. Even then, it’s probably good to tell people when you are putting your Coaching Hat on.

* You could be wasting your time. Even if you are the perfect coach for a person, if they aren’t receptive or willing to be coached by you, it will be a colossal waste of your time and energy. Plus, unless you are an experienced coach, most of us get emotionally invested when we begin coaching another. We get attached to the person and the potential outcomes we are coaching them toward. So, don’t get caught up unnecessarily. Remember, people don’t do anything until the very second that they want to do it. When people are ready, they’ll ask or seek out the help they need. Not a single moment before. Let them come to you.

* You might confuse the coachee: If you start trying to coach someone who isn’t expecting to be coached the person will either be really confused or kind of put off. They are going to wonder what happened to the perfectly normal conversation they were having with you. Suddenly you are asking them all these serious questions and trying to get them to dig up solutions, take ownership, responsibility and accountability for future commitments… Oh my. All they wanted to do was vent a little and deal with this stuff later when they aren’t in line to order lunch at Baja Fresh.

* Even worse, you might offend the coachee: Trying to coach someone who doesn’t think of you as a coach can hurt you in many ways. First, why wouldn’t someone think of you as a coach? Perhaps they don’t respect you, admire you, believe in you, or like you. They might be nice to your face (especially if you are a manager to them), but deep down they feel that you lack credibility, expertise, knowledge, or experience. Perhaps they feel that you don’t really “understand” or “get” them (generational/racial/religious/socio-economic differences could all play into this). Or maybe they see some major “faults” in you that colors their concept of your ability to coach (“how can she advise me with a relationship when her own marriage is falling apart?”). Again, let them come to you.

So how can this come back to hurt you? If they didn’t like you before, they REALLY won’t like you now. Your credibility pours down the drain (“Who does he think he is?”) and they might see you as lacking interpersonal savvy or communication skills, “What made her think I wanted her to coach me?”). Or you could just come across as pushy, egotistical, intrusive, naïve, nosy or annoying.

After a class or two, everyone begins to think of themselves as a coach. People who know nothing about coaching often believe that “this is easy”. We believe that since we have all this knowledge, expertise, seniority, training or experience, we should be able to coach the young and naïve easily enough. And they will be grateful and astounded by the myriad of our wisdom, right?

It doesn’t work that way. Coaching isn’t about you; it’s about them. If someone comes to you and you get the sense that they could benefit from coaching, say, “Have you ever considered working with a coach on this issue?”. If the person authentically sees you as a good coach for them, I guarantee they will ask you to be their coach. If they don’t ask you, but they express interest in the idea, then suggest that they consider finding a good life/career/spiritual coach.

And many times, the person isn’t looking for coaching. Intuitively, they probably know all the answers already. They’re just looking for someone to talk to a little.