QUESTION: Can I Learn to be More Assertive?

Dear Merry,

I have been told that in order to advance in my company I need to be more assertive and take on a more public role. I have never been comfortable with high visibility situations and have turned down several quality assignments because of it. I hate to think that I won't reach my potential because I can't assert myself. Do you have any tips or ideas that can help me with this?


RESPONSE: Observation & Practice

Dear Executive,

Becoming assertive is a learned trait for many people. It takes reflection and a lot of practice but the results are well worth it. I enjoy coaching clients on this topic because results are achieved quickly if you take a measured approach to the challenge. First, be clear what you mean by "assertive. For most people who struggle with this in the business world it simply means communicating what you think and want in a clear way while respecting the rights, thoughts and feelings of others. It sounds like you are well respected since you have been offered various high level assignments. Your ability is not in question, but you do lack the confidence necessary to take on the types of roles that would increase your visibility in your company. Becoming more assertive will allow you to express yourself in a confident and competent manner. These five steps will help you develop a plan of action to increase your assertiveness.

Step-1 - PATIENCE: Accept that becoming more assertive is a process. Changes won't happen over night. Give yourself permission to take small steps toward your goal and give yourself a break if you don't see the results you desire right away.

Step-2 - OBSERVATION: You can learn a lot by observing others. Think of people you know who assert themselves in a positive way. What traits do they have that you desire? Pay attention to their style and manner.
" Do they maintain direct eye contact when they speak?
" Is their posture open and relaxed?
" What does their facial expression convey? Does it agree with the message?
" Is the tone of voice level and well-modulated?

Step-3 - SELF-INVENTORY: It will help you to move forward if you understand what is holding you back. Some people are not assertive for fear of displeasing others or not being liked. What do you think is holding you back? Conduct a self-inventory to help identify what is causing discomfort. Here are a few questions to help you with this process:
" Do you speak up in meetings fairly frequently?
" Do you ask questions when you don't understand others?
" Do you volunteer your opinions when you think or feel differently from others?
" Do you speak in a confident manner?
" Are you able to say "no" when you don't want to do something?

Step-4 - PRACTICE: After conducting your self-inventory take action through practice. As with many things, just getting started is often the hardest part. In the beginning, don't try changing your behavior in loaded or difficult situations. Practice first in the least risky ones. Make it a priority to find non-threatening circumstances where you can speak up and assert yourself. As you gain confidence take it up a notch or two. As your comfort level increases you will feel more confident in the fact that people generally want to hear from you and that you do have thoughts and opinions of value to contribute.

Step-5 - PREPARATION: Knowing that you put the time in to preparing for a meeting or event where you know you will be interacting with others will help immensely. If you are uncomfortable speaking up in these situations talk to some of the participants in advance. Prep them about your agenda and ask for feedback. If you have concerns, bring them up in advance. These steps will help take some of the pressure off of you knowing that at least some of the people there know what issues you are addressing. Do some research and be prepared with facts. Back up your position with as many facts as you can. This will build your confidence and you'll have quantified support for anyone that questions your comments.

Step out of your comfort zone and put yourself in new situations where you are required to assert your position. The more you do this the greater your level of comfort will be. This process is like crossing a river one stone at a time. Your first step will be to move away from the safety of river bank - which is your comfort zone. You will probably be very cautious as you step on the first few stones but as you move forward successfully you will gain confidence with each step. Eventually you will land safely on the other side with new found optimism and confidence that will pay off for your career.

Dare to Deliver!
Merry


Merry Marcus
President
www.breakthroughconsulting.com



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