My twelve-year-old daughter had her first "shooter drill at school today. The drill involved students hiding beneath their desks. While the students hid, the teacher goes to the door, calls in any students in the hallway, then locks the classroom door and draws the blinds. The students are told not to open the door after that point even if they heard knocking on the door. That day, my daughter came home and explained the "shooter drill to me. Afterwards, she lamented, "It's a sad world we live in when you have to practice what to do when there's a guy with a gun at school.
Don't get me wrong. I'm all for taking every necessary step to protect our students. I fully support the drill as a way of keeping people safe. Yet, it's emotionally deflating to think that this is the world we've created for our children - a world where all school districts and colleges must face the grim possibility of a rage-filled, Glock-fueled slaughter on campus similar to the massacre left behind by Cho Seung-Hui at Virginia Tech.
As the country mourns the loss of life at Virginia Tech as well as in Iran and elsewhere, how do we respond to such unnecessary suffering?
While I always work towards greater happiness and contentment, there are many times during which I am forced to address anger, sadness and fear. All of us are forced to deal with humbling, depressing, horrifying incidents during our lifetimes. As we learn to become more resilient, we can bounce back from tragedy and begin in a positive direction again. To help you become more resilient, you need a greater awareness of the emotions that are likely to arise in the aftermath of the Virginia Tech shootings. Below is a brief breakdown of the major emotions that may ensue:
1) Sadness and despair
2) Destructive anger
3) Constructive anger
4) Compassion
1. Sadness and despair:
Following a tragic loss, sadness and grieving are normal responses. Both serve the purpose of lowering your energy level in order to keep you close to home where you are more likely to have the comfort of loved ones around you. Relationships buoy our emotions in times of distress. Sadness acts to keep you in a safe place where you can take the time you need to recover and rebuild your internal, emotional reserves. If you were directly impacted by the Virginia Tech murders and lost a loved one, recovery may take anywhere from 6 months to several years. With time, the feelings of sadness will slowly and gradually wash over you less frequently, last for shorter periods of time and become less intense.
2. Destructive anger:
Senseless violence often leads to feelings of anger - anger at the killer, anger at society, anger at our own helplessness in the face of mindless brutality. Anger signals the fact that something or someone has come between you and a desired goal of yours. It is a call to action. The goal may be as simple as trying to get home during rush hour or as basic as survival. Destructive anger may be turned inward at oneself or outward at other people. Studies show that 90% of anger is turned inwards. You are most likely to bury your anger, to suppress it. This is a normal attempt to control and contain the frightening emotion of anger, yet ultimately, it is doomed to failure, for anger cannot be contained. Given enough time, given no tools to release anger, anger will lead you to fury-filled, uncontrollable behaviors like those of Cho Seung-Hui at Virginia Tech. Before killing 32 innocent people and then himself, Seung-Hui left a note described as a long, rambling, angry tirade about immorality, lax ethics and the economic divide between those with money and those without. Seung-Hui was never taught how to let go of his anger. As a result, his anger fueled his irrational trigger finger.
Rather than feel the anger, honoring the feeling, and releasing it, most of us bottle it up. This stuffed anger is toxic and leads to all sorts of negative health outcomes. It also leads to displaced anger where you get angry with the wrong person, at the wrong time, and to the wrong degree, and can even lead to extreme behaviors such as murdering innocent others.
3. Constructive anger
Constructive anger is anger that is used as motivation to act in a positive manner towards an ethical end. In other words, it is using your anger to help you remove something which is keeping you from reaching a goal. Unlike destructive anger which is usually held onto, constructive anger is released in a short period of time, usually as a result of the positive action taken, such as writing a letter to the editor. Constructive anger provides you with a persistent attitude which enables you to push forward to solve a given problem.
Anger is frequently misunderstood. Anger is almost always thought to be negative and destructive, despite the fact that anger itself is merely a feeling. Anger, by itself, is instructive, not destructive. Anger can be a good thing. Anger is a step up the emotional ladder from sadness as it allows you to have the energy to act, to do something. However, for anger to be positive, you must first learn to manage your emotions. Then you have a choice as to how to respond to anger's signal.
4. Compassion
When you are ready to get past your anger, start to think of the world as compassionate and nurturing. As such it is designed to reward compassionate, nurturing behaviors in individuals. Throughout the world, there are far more loving people who are committing acts of kindness than there are angry people committing foul deeds. This single belief lies at the heart of compassion, that humankind is basically and primarily good. It is the ancient, emotional mind that moves people to act in evil ways. Curb the emotions and you curb the violence.
Compassion occurs when you feel the suffering or distress of another person. Compassion is the identification with and the understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives. It stems from an understanding that we are all interconnected, that our survival is dependent upon our peaceful coexistence. Compassion, the ability to "walk in the other person's shoes, is the antidote to anger. The goal is to understand the situation from the perspective of the other person. Often this involves interpreting the situation with a large degree of grace, understanding and forgiveness. It is an act that few of us have been trained to do.
Our lack of emotional management skills is, in my opinion, the greatest failing of our society. A heightened awareness of the power of emotional management may be the highest good that can arise out of the Virginia Tech massacre. Research has shown that better emotional management is related to longer lives, improved job performance, better grades, better management skills, greater resiliency and much more. As Aristotle said, "Educating the mind, without educating the heart, is not education at all.
Tragic, difficult times demand that we look inward to see a different view of ourselves, our species and of life. This new view brings meaning to that which is unfolding. When you feel trapped in circumstance, when you are overcome with anger or sadness, try, try, and then try again to assume a new perspective. Tragedy masks the opportunity for growth. The surest way out of untenable situations is to change your perspective and view the situation as a challenge to which you are meant to rise. Challenge yourself by asking, "What am I supposed to learn from this? Your answer will usually involve a human strength or value, such as compassion, interconnectedness, gratitude, freedom, spirituality, or family. Your answer will lead to a deeper connection with yourself, with your loved ones and with humanity.
The challenge is to find meaning in the senselessness. Many times, a simple awareness of the lesson or value is all that is necessary to free you from the binds of sadness and anger. If not, the new connection with your core values will fuel your courage to help you find new ways to persevere, survive and eventually thrive.
August Wilson once said, "Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength. Tragic situations remind you of your strength, for you are more resilient than you ever realized. You always have the choice to focus your attention on the positive, such as compassion and forgiveness. Do not give into your fear. Do not believe that we humans are, at heart, evil. Look your fear in the eye and move forward in spite of it, for that is the very definition of courage.
The Roman poet Horace put it well, "Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which, in prosperous circumstances, would have lain dormant.
