Anger is one of the biggest problems we face as human beings. For many of us, anger comes quickly and often, sometimes for unknown reasons. When hijacked by anger, people do harmful, destructive acts. <br />
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As you learn to manage your anger, you become more powerful. This is true because anyone who can anger you, has control over you. The less frequently you respond in anger, the more choices you have in terms of how you behave. <br />
The first step to mitigating anger is to become aware when you are feeling angry. Recent research has demonstrated that you have roughly 1/3rd of a second in which you can interrupt the anger cycle. The sooner you can identify the anger, the quicker you can take steps to listen to the message of anger and let it go. The trick is to interrupt the process of anger before it gets explosively out of hand. As soon as you feel yourself getting mildly irritated, take a quick three minute break and breathe deeply. When you get angry, your heart rate speeds up. Breathing returns your heart rate and your emotional state to normal. This way, you are less likely to erupt in rage. <br />
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Ideally, anger is dealt with in the moment. You begin to get angry. You recognize your anger, label it and honor it. Tell yourself, Okay, I am feeling angry right now. Anger is okay. Breathe deeply. There is no reason to hold on to my anger. I am letting my anger pass through me. You breathe the anger out. If you can address your grievance with the other party, do so. Listen calmly to the other side of the story. Work the misunderstanding through while letting go of your defensiveness. With practice, you can learn to stay calm, cool and collected in the midst of situations where others are angry. To help you catch anger quickly and reduce the damage, here is an exercise:<br />
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First, identify the cause of your anger as quickly as possible. The most destructive type of anger is uncontrolled, impulsive, and unconscious. It can hurt you and others. When anger takes over, slow down. Remove yourself from the situation if possible. Identify the cause, but do not react. When you are angry, it is smart to stop speaking. Silence is the number one behavior to practice when you are mad. It shows you are in control of your anger. You also buy time to cool yourself down, breathe, and think of possible strategies to deal with the situation at hand. <br />
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If your anger is too great, get up and leave the room. Go somewhere else to give you time to cool off. Think about your anger on a ten point scale, where 1 is calm and 10 is full of rage. If your anger goes over 5, remove yourself from the situation until you and the other person are back in control emotionally.<br />
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Second, allow yourself one to two days time to complain and vent your anger to others (who are not involved in the situation). Do not bury, suppress or stuff your anger. This will negatively impact your physical health. It also lends itself to the displacement of your anger onto other people who are not deserving of your wrath. Rather than repress your anger, honor it, label it, write it down in your journal, breathe it out, exercise, ponder on it, or discuss it with a coach or friend. This is helpful as it helps to dismantle the anger. <br />
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Third, after two days, make a conscious effort to release your anger. This means giving up on who is right and who is wrong. Releasing your anger is a process, not a singular event. Anger gradually recedes over time. Anger is toxic. You do not want to hold onto it. To release your anger, breathe deeply and visualize your anger leaving your body as smoke with each exhalation. Remind yourself to breathe deeply occasionally throughout the day. It is also helpful to write down all of your anger in your journal. While writing, focus on each of the five senses as well as your thoughts, feelings and actions. Another useful tool to get rid of anger is prayer. Consciously giving up your anger to the universe via prayer is an effective way to relieve yourself of burdensome negative emotional energy. <br />
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Fourth, share your anger with the offending party if you believe that by sharing your anger your differences can be resolved. If your sense is that, by sharing your feelings you can improve the situation, then calmly express your point of view while attempting to stick to objective facts and I statements. I statements are statements that focus on how it makes you feel when someone else behaves a certain way. For example, I feel angry when you show up late for dinner. Your goal is to resolve the conflict. Your goal is not to make them pay for your suffering. Keep an open mind. Your statement may result in an apology from the offending party, a compromise, a negotiation, an agreement to disagree or nothing at all. Do not get pulled into a power struggle. Remain centered. Breathe deeply. And stand firm in the knowledge that you have shared the truth as you see it. <br />
If the offending party is unreceptive, vindictive or apathetic, it may not be useful or constructive to share your feelings and the reasons behind them. In this case, repeat the first three steps to diffuse your anger. Take steps to distance yourself from the offending party, particularly if he or she is constantly negative. To the extent possible, reduce contact with the individual.<br />
Interrupt the Thought Process<br />
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Another key to controlling anger is to interrupt the thought process that fuels the anger in the first place. As mentioned previously, you can reframe the situation in a more positive, gracious light. This works well to defuse the anger cycle. <br />
A powerful means to defuse anger is to distract yourself with something you find pleasant and enjoyable. It is hard to be angry when you are having a good time. Do not continue to dwell on thoughts that make you sad or angry. That only prolongs the negative emotions, possibly stretching the negative emotion into a negative mood. <br />
Breathe Deeply for Inspiration<br />
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Among its other meanings, inspiration also indicates to breathe in. Deep breathing is central to managing your emotional state because it both determines and is determined by your emotions. Learning how to breathe fully hands you the reins to tame your alligator. The art of breathing gives you the ability to infuse your self with inspiration. <br />
The breath is the bridge which unites the mind, the body and the spirit. All three of these areas are closely related to your emotional state through your constant awareness of your breath. When all is said and done, you calm down the emotional side of the mind by learning to control your body and your mind. Part of it is physical and part of it is mental. The best place to begin is by learning to focus your attention on your breathing, throughout the day. The emphasis on proper breathing is found throughout our history in the ways of most spiritual traditions such as Hinduism, Zen, Buddhism, and Christianity. <br />
When you watch your breathing over several weeks time, you will begin to notice a critical pattern. Each negative emotion adversely affects how you breathe. <br />
Anger, for instance, is marked by shallow inhalation and forced, inflated exhalation.<br />
Extreme sadness, on the other hand, is reflected by sporadic and shallow inhalation and minimal and fragile exhalation.<br />
Fear is characterized by minimal breathing all the way around. Fear is marked by holding your breath so the inhalation and exhalation is barely noticeable. <br />
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As you become more aware of these patterns, you recognize them more quickly, and remind yourself to breathe deeply. The mere act of breathing like a baby, into your belly, ratchets down the intensity of the negative emotion.<br />
Deep breathing is one of the more powerful ways to reconnect your body, mind and spirit especially when situations get emotional. Anytime a strong negative emotion arises, it is wise to remove yourself from the situation (if possible). Find a quiet place where you will not be disturbed. And then try the following breathing exercise.<br />
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Deep Breathing Exercise<br />
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Find a quiet place where you will not be disturbed. This might be a bedroom, a bathroom or a quiet office. Sit comfortably in a chair or lying down on a bed or the floor. If you are sitting, your spine should be straight up and down but not quite rigid.<br />
Once you are comfortable, loosen your pants and belt if necessary. Then, raise your shoulders by tensing your muscles in the neck, shoulders and back. Tense and relax your shoulders 3 times to release the tension. Then just allow your shoulders to hang loosely. Focus your attention on the weight of your shoulders. <br />
Now close your mouth. Tuck your lightly into your chest. Close your eyes. Breathe slowly, deeply and completely into your abdomen, just short of any sense of uncomfortable pressure. As you inhale, pretend you are inflating your lungs like a balloon. Imagine a line just below your belly button. Breathe into this line so that your belly moves downward and slightly outward. If you place your hand on your stomach, you should be able to feel your stomach rise and fall (or go in and out if you are sitting) with each breath.<br />
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As you exhale, allow your belly to relax and return to its original position (back up and in). It is important when doing deep breathing to focus on breathing out all the old, stale air in your lungs. As you exhale, tighten the muscles in your abdomen. Pull the muscles in your stomach towards your back, the spine. This will help you expel all the old toxic air from your lungs. This is critical because most of us walk around all day holding carbon dioxide (poison!) in 4/5th of our lungs. Carbon dioxide is toxic and needs to be expelled from the body so you can replace it with vital oxygen. Simply doing this one exercise for three minutes per day will lead to tremendous benefits in your life. This exercise will allow you to experience what it was like to breathe back when you were a baby. I call it belly breathing where you breathe into your belly normally, naturally and fully. <br />
As belly breathing become second nature to you, you will begin to apply it to your daily life – work, home, parenting, and sports. Your breath will synchronize with the demands of the task you face. Eventually, you will come to understand that your breath inspires your body, filling you with graceful and easy movements. Just remember, whenever your heart rate jumps, whenever you feel tense, angry or scared, take one minute to relax and breathe deeply. You will feel the change in your mood within seconds. Awareness of your breath is one of the most powerful ways to manage the energy of your negative emotions.<br />
As you learn to manage your emotions, you will find yourself happier and more productive at work, at home, and at play. <br />
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For more on anger management, check out the new book, Guide To Self: The Beginners Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought at <a href="http://www.authorhouse.com/">http://www.authorhouse.com/</a>.
